Apr 06

Lindsay LohanA rocket with a secret payload blasted off in CA.  It’s thought to be an imaging satellite capable of seeing at night and through bad weather.  Or a tracking tool in case Lindsay Lohan ever gets put back on probation.
(The Real Story) 


 

Hunger GamesA debate between Senate candidates in NB got weird when one accused the other of trying to follow his 14-year-old daughter on Twitter.  C’mon, how else is a 63-year-old going to find out how totally awesome “Hunger Games” was?
(The Real Story)  


 

Heidi FleissAnimal Planet has some new shows coming, including “Top Hooker,” which is a fishing competition.  But…a fishing competition hosted by Heidi Fleiss.
(The Real Story)  


 

Sophia VergaraA poll shows 51% of Hispanics don’t like being called “Hispanics.”  And they’re sick of always being asked if they happen to know “Modern Family’s” Sophia Vergara.
(The Real Story)  


 

Ringo StarrRumors persist the Beatles sons are forming a band.  Ringo’s son Zak Starkey is the only one not keen to the idea.  Mostly because Ringo wants the gig himself.
(The Real Story)  


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

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Feb 29

marine homecoming kissCritics are speaking out against a photo of a young gay Marine’s homecoming kiss that went viral.  They really need to give them the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe nobody ever taught them how to high-five or chest-bump.
(The Real Story) 


 

Heather MillsAngelina Jolie’s right leg has spawned its own Twitter account, and it’s an instant hit.  A Twitter account was also set up for Paul McCartney ex Heather Mills’ leg, but it was fake.
(The Real Story)  


 

dogJapanese scientists think they know how dogs can walk barefoot in the snow.  Warm blood heats the cold blood caused from the cold surface before returning it to the dog’s heart.  I thought it was just because they can’t properly lace up boots.
(The Real Story)  


 

heated car seatDocs say heated seats can lead to a skin condition called Toasted Skin Syndrome.  It’s a rash caused by prolonged exposure to a warm temperature.  Computers and heating pads can also do it.  And, if she’s any good at what she does, a lap dancer.
(The Real Story)  


 

Christina AguileraAdam Levine says when “The Voice” first started, he didn’t even know who Blake Shelton was.  And he only knew Christina Aguilera as “that mouseketeer who went rogue when she got breasts.”
(The Real Story) 


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

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Feb 15

catA fake Twitter account claiming to belong to Cat Fancy Magazine that published “disturbing things, often against cats,” was shut down.  The offenders have now set up a new site called Icanhasfaketwitteraccount.com
(The Real Story) 


 

keystone pipelineThe White House invited kids to show off their inventions, turning the East Room into a science fair.  The kid whose project was to run a pipeline from Canada to Texas however, was not even allowed in the door.
(The Real Story)  


 

MadonnaAdele says she’s done with breakup and heartache songs.  She’s afraid people think she’s miserable.  In a related story, Madonna says she’s done with songs that become hits.
(The Real Story) 


 

surrenderA film about Nazis from the moon invading Earth is a hot ticket in Berlin.  “Iron Sky” imagines Hitler’s surviving henchmen set up a swastika-shaped lunar colony in 1945, waiting to strike back.  Before they heard it was just a movie, France surrendered.
(The Real Story)  


 

TideA 53-year-old MN man was arrested for stealing $6000 worth of Tide detergent from a retailer.  The guy’s a pro.  For instance, when he shoplifts clothes, he always steals whites and colors separately.
(The Real Story)  


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

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Nov 29

Bookmark the main Stiles Files site for the 10 Funniest Things on the Web Daily

 

pepper sprayCustomers getting pepper-sprayed, looters, blood in the aisles, and death.  That was Black Friday in America.  Probably not such a good idea to make pepper-spray one of the doorbuster items.
(The Real Story)


 

Magic 8 BallObama upset some folks by eliminating God from his Thanksgiving-themed weekly Internet address.  He said his family was “reflecting on how lucky we are.”  Which leads many to believe he makes decisions using one of those Magic 8-Balls.
(The Real Story)


 

TwitterKansas’ Governor squealed on an 18-year-old girl who tweeted during a state capitol visit.  She had to write letters of apology.  The worst part was the letters had to be longer than 140 characters.
(The Real Story)


 

dead birdAuthor Barbara Walsh sugarcoats nothing in her children’s book “Sammy in the Sky,” which is intended to help kids deal with the death of a pet.  This is the follow-up to her earlier book, “Oh Well, Time to Flush Tweetie.”
(The Real Story)


 

Paris HiltonParis Hilton did her part to help the economy by buying a 2012 California Spyder Ferrari worth $300,000.  She also has 2 Bentleys, a Lexus LFA, a hybrid Escalade and a Range Rover.  It’s getting so it’s hard to know which vehicle to get busted for cocaine possession in Vegas in.
(The Real Story)


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

©2011, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com
    @mikestiles

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Jul 08

The Blog Monologue

 

Obama TwitterObama kicked off his first Twitter town hall, though he didn’t have to keep his answers to 140 characters.  It was also a little hard to look past the hashmark “#wouldratherbegolfing” in all of his tweets.


 

Paul RevereA bill requiring CA public schools teach the historical accomplishments of gay men and lesbians passed the state Legislature.  For instance, Paul Revere’s complete famous saying was, “The British are coming, and you are not going to believe what they’re wearing!”


 

TSAThe feds have warned airlines some terrorists are considering surgically implanting explosives into humans to carry out attacks.  Hey, if they can get that done under their terrorist health care plans, maybe it’s a system we should look into.


 

Whoopi GoldbergAngelina Jolie and Sarah Jessica Parker, with annual salaries of $30 million each, are the highest paid actresses in Hollywood.  Meanwhile, Whoopi Goldberg is now willing to pay $20,000 if someone will put her in a movie again.


 

PolygamyHome births increased 20% from 2004 to 2008.  Some even go without midwives and rely just on their husbands.  Other husbands misunderstand what midwives are and think it’s some sort of polygamy arrangement.


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

 

©2011, The Stiles Company, LLC

www.mikestiles.com    @mikestiles

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Feb 14

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

Rep. Christopher Lee of NY resigned after a gossip site reported the married congressman sent a shirtless photo of himself flexing to a woman whose Craigslist ad he answered.  And taxpayer dollars sure better not have gone to pay for his P90X program.


Google and Facebook have both talked to Twitter about buying them out.  Twitter’s valued at $8 to $10 billion.  So far both offers have been rejected because they were longer than 140 characters.


A fight is brewing in MS over a proposal to issue specialty license plates honoring Confederate Gen. Nathan Bedford Forrest, an early leader of the Klan.  The tag features a hooded Klansman with the words “if you’re close enough to read this you’re part of the rally!”


Prisoners in SC caught with banned cell phones can face solitary confinement and loss of privileges.  Those caught on Facebook could soon face 30 extra days behind bars and a $500 fine.  The reason is prisoners would have a distinct unfair advantage at Mafia Wars.


Gayle King says Oprah isn’t giving her newly discovered half-sister Patricia any money, at least not yet.  And that’s obvious since Patricia’s been seen trying to buy groceries with autographed copies of Stedman’s books.


Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

©2010, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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Sep 09

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

ObamaThe White House East Room will be the setting for Michelle Obama’s new dance series.  There’ll be workshops in ballet, modern, hip hop and Broadway.  Then for a finale, Barack will dance around his poll numbers.


FarmvilleA Japanese journalist held hostage in Afghanistan for 5 months managed to send out a tweet when his captors asked him how to use a cell phone.  Of course, he could have got them hooked on Farmville and walked right out unnoticed.


Lance BurtonThe Monte Carlo casino-resort in Vegas replaced magician Lance Burton with a hip-hop dance crew from “America’s Best Dance Crew.”  Casino officials say the only thing that could possibly interfere with the dance crew deal is if they all got sawed in half.


Designer Diane von Furstenberg helped the Cleveland Clinic create a more stylish hospital gown.  But imagine the horror female patients will have when they see all the other women patients are wearing the same gown they are.


SnookiThere’s a derogatory nickname for summer tourists who visit the Jersey shore: FOOTs.  It’s an acronym for “Out Of Towners” preceded by an obscenity.  Many locals resent visitors, blaming them for noise, traffic and trash.  I thought they were proud of their trash.  After all, they gave them their own reality TV show.


Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

©2010, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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Aug 13

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

Boston’s Ron Sveden had a mass in his left lung.  It wasn’t cancer.  He had a pea sprouting inside his chest.  And here I thought there could never be a crossover between “Grey’s Anatomy” and “Veggie Tales.”


MSNBC’s Mika Brzezinski, co-host of “Morning Joe,” asked her 20,000-plus Twitter followers, “Can anyone help my daughter meet Justin Bieber?”  Turns out 12-year-old Carlie hijacked her account.  I certainly hope that’s also the explanation for Diane Sawyer’s desperate Tweets to have ice cream with Taylor Lautner.


Cincinnati Reds pitcher Johnny Cueto was suspended 7 games for a brawl with the St. Louis Cardinals.  Both managers were suspended for 2 games.  4 other players were fined.  Naturally, Pete Rose was in the stands betting on the fight.


The Obamas are headed to the Panhandle this weekend to tout it for the tourist industry and to show how clean the beaches are.  Isn’t kind of racist to hope for white beaches?


TMZ reported Tim Tebow had a hyperbaric oxygen chamber delivered to his hotel room at the Broncos’ training camp and he’s been using one for over 2 years.  Has anyone bothered to ask him if he’s also interested in purchasing the Elephant Man’s bones?


Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

©2010, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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Nov 21

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

2panel_Insert“Christmas in the Suburbs!”  Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

________________________________________________________________________

sarahshortsThe Army will ban the media from covering Sarah Palin’s appearance at Fort Bragg, NC because they’re scared it will look like a lack of support for Barack Obama.
*Rumor is if they let cameras on the base, Obama’s going to make them drop and give him 50.
*Plus she’s going to be wearing this sexy little USO costume with a short skirt, and they’re worried that’ll be the next Newsweek cover.

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UPS beat its peers, even the US Post Office, in the consumer shipping sector of the annual “Climate Counts” scorecard and was rated No. 11 among all 143 ranked companies.  Companies are judged on their climate impact and corporate support of climate initiatives.
*UPS’s goal is to make their trucks as energy efficient and environmentally friendly as Fred Flintstone’s car.
*Well if the post office would let you recycle stamps like my Uncle got sent to prison for, they might have done better!

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3GcoverageA federal judge turned down AT&T’s request to stop Verizon ads displaying maps comparing 3G wireless coverage.  AT&T isn’t saying the maps aren’t accurate, they’re saying it gives the impression you can’t get service at all outside the 3G coverage area.
*Even worse for AT&T, Google Maps has now added a 3G view option along with the map and aerial tabs.
*Adding insult to injury, after the judge said no, he looked at the AT&T lawyers and said, “Can you hear me now?”

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An FAA computer glitch caused widespread cancellations and delays for the second time in 15 months.  Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) said the country’s aviation system is “in shambles.”
*Industry experts don’t expect it to be long before the FAA is changed to the WTF.
*Apparently the system was hacked by some kids playing “Call of Duty,” and commercial airliners were ordered to stop dropping their payloads on Berlin.

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fatmanThe first county-by-county survey of obesity confirms people are fattest in the Southeast and Appalachia.  Experts say those cultures embrace fatty, unhealthy foods and shun exercise.
*Um, by “embracing fatty foods,” does that mean going on a date with a pig?
*And yes, they count chopping vegetables as exercise.

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A week after quitting CNN, Lou Dobbs is considering possible runs for the White House or US Senate.  He’d run for Senate in NJ, where he has a home, or as a third-party candidate in the presidential elections.
*Well, Sarah Palin wants to be a talk show host, so why don’t they just do an even trade?
*Experts say he should probably try competing for something smaller first, like America’s Top Chef or something.

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aolmanAOL will cut a third of its workforce, about 2,500 jobs, as part of their planned spin-off from Time Warner.  When AOL disastrously merged with Time Warner in 2000, it was valued at $163 billion.  Now it’s expected to be worth around $3 billion.
*The name change to “SOL” is imminent.
*It is kind of sad when AOL executives sit down at their desks and the “You’ve Got Mail” voice says “You’ve Got No Working Business Model!”

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NY state’s top court ruled public officials can recognize out-of-state gay marriages.  Governor David Paterson ordered all state agencies to recognize out-of-state gay marriages and has said he’d sign a gay marriage bill into law.
*Of course to recognize gay couples, the first thing you have to have is a pretty good gaydar.
*It’s Paterson’s understanding that gay marriages would shock and draw attention away from his straight affairs.

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collegetuitionHundreds of students demonstrated after University of California leaders approved a 32% hike in undergrad fees.  That will cost students an extra $2,500 by next fall, a threefold increase in one decade.
*Cause really, there’s only so much blood and sperm you can sell to put yourself through college.
*It’s gotten so bad that members of the chess club have started bulking up so they can score a football scholarship and stay.

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“Jon & Kate Plus 8″ ends Monday.  In the final hour, Jon and Kate go on separate outings with the kids.  And each newly single parent will reflect on what the future might hold.  Their time slot will go to baker Buddy Valastro’s show “Cake Boss.”
*Separate outings yes, but both to their respective divorce attorneys offices.
*I can tell you what the future holds for Jon…maybe one more interview on Joy Bahar, then doing local cable ads for heating & air companies.
*Just to help us through the transition, could they call Buddy’s show “Eggs & Flour Make Cake”?

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santaletterThe Postal Service is dropping a popular program begun in 1954 in North Pole, Alaska where volunteers answer letters to Santa.  Last year, a volunteer in Maryland was found to be a registered sex offender, a big enough scare to shut down the program.
*Apparently in the letters he wrote back to kids, he wanted something more left out for him than milk and cookies.
*The kids would sent Santa their Christmas lists on Twitter, but they can’t keep it to less than 140 characters.

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A 2-year-old in north Mississippi helped his mom give birth to his brother on the living room couch.  He caught the baby before firefighters arrived.
*Unfortunately, the toddler is not on the family’s preferred provider list so it’s not covered on their insurance.
*Well, I don’t know if changing channels to the Discovery Health channel so mom could watch births on TV counts as “helping.”

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alexandraJohn Kerry’s daughter, Alexandra, was busted for DUI in LA.  The 36-year-old film producer only blew a .06.  The legal limit is .08 in California, but drivers under that can still be prosecuted for dangerous driving.
*Her dad got “swift-boated” and now she’s being “schnapps-boated”!

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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Nov 17

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

2panel_Insert“Christmas in the Suburbs!”  Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

________________________________________________________________________

thumbsdownFacebook says all those people campaigning to get a “dislike” button added to submitted updates, like the existing “like” button, can forget it.  They want to keep things positive.  There have even been scammers who claim to have a dislike button to download, but who are going after your private info.
*No surprise.  It took a year and half to get the “easy” button at Staples approved.
*Obviously, no one could be found that was passionate about an “indifferent” button.
*It’s Facebook.  There is no private info.

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Obama is on his first trip to China.  He’s not sure if he wants to bring up human rights, but will hold an American-style town hall discussion with Chinese university students.
*American-style except that any students with questions critical of China will mysteriously disappear for 3 semesters.
*Since China owns us now, Obama is known there more as the “Acting General Manager” of America.

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pinocchiodonkeyBritain and Australia apologized to thousands of British kids who were promised a better life overseas, only to suffer abuse and neglect.  Child migrant programs saw thousands of poor kids sent to former colonies until the 60’s.  Many ended up in institutions or were turned into farm hands.
*This is similar to the apology American will soon have to make to child actors at the Disney Channel.
*Most turned into donkeys until Pinocchio came along to save them.
*The apology was immediately followed up with advice that next time, they should book with Travelocity.

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Atlantis blasts off today, and for the first time, NASA last month invited its Twitter followers to sign up online for the chance to see a shuttle launch up close.  The 100 slots filled in less than 20 minutes.
*Plus all launch instructions have had to be simplified to 140 characters or less.
*A corn farm in Illinois also invited Farmtown users invitations to work on a real farm for 2 years, but so far, no takers.

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springsteenBruce Springsteen yelled “Hello, Ohio!” to his fans at a recent concert.  Problem was, he was in Ann Arbor, Michigan.  In fact, he referred to Ohio several times until Steve Van Zandt finally told him where he was.  A visibly embarrassed Bruce said that’s “every front man’s nightmare.”
*He also kept referring to his band as “Dexys Midnight Runners” for some reason.
*That’s okay, even people who live near Detroit have a hard time admitting out loud that’s where they are.

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The apocalyptic “2012” was number 1 at the box office, followed by “Disney’s A Christmas Carol,” then “The Men Who Stare at Goats.”
*Some theatres were surprised when many people walked out of “2012,” saying they already saw that story on Glenn Beck’s TV show.
*In “A Christmas Carol,” even the ghost of Christmas future said don’t bother, the world ends in 2012.

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librarianA Phoenix high school librarian says a former student returned 2 overdue books about birds checked out 51 years ago, plus a $1,000 money order to cover the fines.  The money order was sent by someone who wanted to remain anonymous.  A letter explained the borrower’s family moved and the books were mistakenly packed.
*I think the fact the birds the books were about are extinct now should have at least gotten him a discount on the fine.
*They wanted to remain anonymous because they also kept a pair of safety goggles from the chemistry lab.

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A British scientist says she is Belle de Jour, the anonymous blogger whose tales of life as a prostitute were turned into books and a TV series.  Brooke Magnanti was afraid an ex-boyfriend would expose her.  She turned to the sex trade in 2003 while finishing her Ph.D.  She said her colleagues have been “amazingly supportive.”
*I bet they were supportive.  When you work in an industry where the hottest thing you see all day is a Bunsen burner, you don’t mind having a sex professional around.
*Everyone should have known the truth when she turned in her doctoral thesis and it was entitled “Just Leave the Money on the Nightstand.”

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stripperpoleA Vegas strip club agreed to stop a promotion involving hauling bikini-clad exotic dancers around in a truck with clear plastic sides.  It rolled for 13 nights, with strippers dancing around a pole luring customers to the club.  It worked, business was booming.
*Where are you supposed to put the dollar bills, up the exhaust pipe?
*The dancers being required by law to be seat-belted to the pole takes away from it a little, but it’s still effective.
*Imagine the shock to people who saw the plexiglass truck and thought it was the Popemobile.

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Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez said there are lots of fat people there and “advised” supporters to trim their waistlines.  He’s lost almost 20 pounds himself and says it’s made him “ready to continue commanding the Bolivarian Revolution,” the name he’s given his socialist takeover.
*The most effective fitness trainers are the ones who can have you carted away and killed if you don’t feel the burn.
*He’s moved on from wealth redistribution to weight redistribution.

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05_Flatbed_2 - NOVEMBERA 74-year-old LA man said to be the oldest graffiti vandal ever captured was arrested.  John Scott put stickers everywhere that read, “Who is John Scott?”  Cops think he was going for “fame and notoriety.”
*He wasn’t promoting himself.  He’s old and genuinely was trying to find out, “Who is John Scott?”
*Police knew it was the work of an older person because everything was spelled correctly.

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A Colombian cooking school has concocted a “love dessert” made with passion fruit and Viagra.  Student chefs won’t give out all the ingredients but say it contains the active ingredient in Viagra.  The pudding-like dessert is garnished with whipped cream and chocolate, and served in a parfait glass.  It’s had aphrodisiac effects on everybody who’s tried it.
*They started looking into using Viagra as an ingredient when they noticed it’s getting more and more difficult getting cakes to rise.
*If you enjoy your pudding for longer than 4 hours, please see a physician immediately.

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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