Apr 27

ForeignerFormer “Real Housewives” and alleged White House party crasher star Tareq Salahi is running for governor of VA.  His wife Michaele ran off with one of the guys in Journey.  Members of Foreigner are excited to see if these means any cute statehouse interns for them.
(The Real Story) 


 

old manJurors in NY watched footage of a man who allegedly dressed up as his dead mother for 6 years to cash her Social Security checks.  The only time it was awkward was when the old fella she was dating showed up wanting to watch TV and cuddle.
(The Real Story) 


 

Bubba WatsonA gray whale found dead in Puget Sound had a golf ball in its stomach.  After watching the Master’s, it would come as no surprise to me whatsoever that Bubba Watson could make that shot.
(The Real Story)  


 

Donald TrumpDonald Trump appeared before Scotland’s parliament to demand they end plans for an offshore wind farm.  Mostly because they tend to muss his hair.
(The Real Story)  


 

Tim TebowJets QB Tim Tebow has maintained that he’s a virgin.  So AshleyMadison.com is offering $1 million to any woman who can prove she’s slept with him.  That’s odd.  It sure looked like he got screwed by the Broncos to me.
(The Real Story)  


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

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Mar 08

doomsday prepperA recent doomsday prepper convention in SC was a huge success, with 800 people attending.  Bars love it when prepper conventions come to town.  Everybody runs up a huge tab thinking the world will end before they have to pay it.
(The Real Story) 


 

Ann RomneyAnn Romney declared, “I don’t even consider myself wealthy.”  She also talked about her expensive horse collection.  Lastly, she tried to pay each reporter and cameraman at the event $500 each to forget they were ever there.
(The Real Story) 


 

robotA 4-legged robot known as the Cheetah set a new land speed record for legged robots by running 18 mph on a treadmill.  Scientists say it’s a giant step toward a bold “commute to work by riding piggyback on a robot” future.
(The Real Story)  


 

George Washington McNuggetA woman sold a McDonald’s Chicken McNugget that resembles George Washington for $8,100 on eBay.  McDonald’s was even running a promotion that day where with the purchase of a Chicken McNugget, you got to chop down a fried cherry pie.
(The Real Story)  


 

Kim ZolchiakKim Zolciak’s new song is a country ballad called “Love Me First.”  She says the lyrics are autobiographical.  Really?  She sings about screaming at other women and making a living attaching herself to rich men?
(The Real Story)  


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

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Feb 07

Kim ZolchiakA stomach virus hit passengers and crew on a Princess Cruise Lines ship sailing from south FL.  The Norovirus causes vomiting, diarrhea and stomach pain.  And the crew is even trained to resist such things using Kim Zolchiak’s CD.
(The Real Story) 


 

Keebler ElfA family out gathering mushrooms huddled lost near an OR forest for 6 days.  The couple and their 25-year-old son drank from streams and took shelter in a hollowed-out tree.  They stayed in the tree believing elves there would bake fudge-striped cookies and feed them.
(The Real Story)  


 

stoningA NC woman read the Bible to her attacker for an hour and a half after he slashed her throat.  He listened to the verses carefully, apologized and left.  Sadly, having been given other ideas from the Bible, the man later returned and stoned her.
(The Real Story)  


 

Helen ThomasA study by Match.com found that self-described single, conservative Republicans are more likely to achieve orgasm during sex than any other political persuasion.  Naturally, because liberal Democrats feel a sense of entitlement to an orgasm.
(The Real Story)  


 

wrestlerA Newark man died after a tussle with a former high school wrestler he tried to rob of his cell phone.  He was put in a headlock strong enough it choked him to death.  No charges were filed, because in all fairness, the robber never tapped out.
(The Real Story)  


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC

www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

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Sep 14

The Blog Monologue

 

Tom JonesGadhafi’s playboy son, known for his love of excessive partying, slipped into Niger over the weekend.  Unfortunately for him, “partying” in Niger means half a can of warm Coke and a scratchy Tom Jones LP.


 

Marilyn MonroeIn Jackie Kennedy’s newly released secret interview tapes, she worries about “emotional” women entering politics.  Hard to say if Marilyn Monroe entered politics or politics entered her.


 

Serena WilliamsFor the 2nd time in 2 years, Serena Williams blew a fuse at the US Open, launching a tirade at the chair umpire.  Hard to know if she’s playing tennis or auditioning for “Real Housewives of Atlanta.”


 

CowHis grandpa says an 18-month-old Cambodian boy who has suckled milk directly from a cow daily for over a month is fine.  So far the only negative is village teens sneak up on him in the night and shove him over.


 

Don RumsfeldDon Rumsfeld cancelled his subscription to the New York Times after reading a piece on 9/11 he didn’t like.  Says it will actually give him more time to read his subscription to “Random Country Invasions Monthly.”


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

 

©2011, The Stiles Company, LLC

www.mikestiles.com    @mikestiles

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Jul 26

The Blog Monologue

 

Amy WinehouseAmy Winehouse joins the “Forever 27″ club that includes Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin and Jim Morrison, who all died at 27.  ”Forever 27” also applies to “Real Housewives” cast members whose husbands can continuously afford cosmetic procedures for them.


 

Anthony WeinerForeign journalists are distressed after being patted down, then asked to undress and remove their bras for a security check before being allowed into the offices of Israel’s prime minister.  For entrance into Anthony Weiner’s office I can understand…but the Israeli prime minister?


 

Captain AmericaCaptain America topped the Harry Potter finale this weekend.  Captain America and Harry Potter come from two different worlds.  To Cap, a Horcrux is someone you visit while you’re on leave.


 

Snow WhiteKristen Stewart dons armor and wields a huge sword and shield for her next movie, “Snow White and the Huntsman.”  It’s an action-packed twist on the fairy tale.  In a related story, Sleeping Beauty is packing 2 loaded .357 magnums under her pillow.


 

Jackie GleasonLinda Christian, the first Bond girl, has died at 87.  In 1954 she starred as Bond’s love interest in the TV adaptation of “Casino Royale.”  Of course, that’s back when Bond was played by Jackie Gleason.


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

 

©2011, The Stiles Company, LLC

www.mikestiles.com    @mikestiles

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Sep 11

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

TravoltaA study shows women are most attracted to male dancers who have big, flamboyant moves.  Researchers said there are similarities between animal mating rituals and what happens in modern dance clubs.  Animals snort cocaine in VIP rooms too?


OprahThe 25th and final season of “Oprah” starts Monday.  Details of the season premiere are “top secret.”  But I hear she’s going to re-enact “The Color Purple” in its entirety using sock puppets.


Romanian senators rejected a proposal to tax witches and fortune tellers.  It would be awful in America if we couldn’t tax witches.  Just look how much money we make taxing the casts of the “Real Housewives” shows every year.


Chinese pilots who lied about their flying experience were allowed to return to work after they took remedial action to make up their hours.  Apparently, “I once visited the Smithsonian’s Air & Space Museum” just doesn’t cut it on a resume.


New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was involved in a 2-car crash in Boston.  Witnesses say the other car ran a red light.  Now see if it were Brett Favre in the other car, he’d have had trouble making a decision whether or not to run the red light.


Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

©2010, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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Oct 28

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

2panel_InsertCheck out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

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blackjackTaco Bell will hand out free Black Jack tacos in honor of Halloween and the World Series Oct. 31, from 6 pm to midnight.  The value menu item is filled with seasoned beef, lettuce, shredded cheese and pepper jack sauce.
*Meanwhile, crime-ridden Detroit will be handing out real blackjacks.
*At first, Taco Bell was going to honor the World Series by handing out burritos that folded up like the Angels did.

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Castro’s sister collaborated with the CIA after Kennedy’s failed Bay of Pigs invasion of Cuba in 1961.  Juanita Castro supported Fidel’s revolution at first, but grew disillusioned.  The wife of Brazil’s ambassador talked her into meeting a CIA officer.  She gave them info but wouldn’t take any money.
*She cooperated believing JFK’s line that he would dump Marilyn and setting up a secret love villa with her in Havana.
*No woman can be expected to support a revolution where all you get to wear is olive drab.

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mcflurryIceland’s 3 McDonald’s will close next weekend, a victim of falling profits caused by the collapse of the Icelandic currency.  Costs doubled and they couldn’t raise prices.  A Big Mac in Reykjavik already retails for $5.29.
*Plus, McFlurries really aren’t that in demand where the average temperature is 17.
*Plus there was the problem of countless children with their tongues stuck to the outdoor Playlands.
*You know a country’s in trouble when the prize in all the Happy Meals is a job application.

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A report says the healthcare system is as wasteful as Obama says it is, and some reforms could be paid for just by fixing inefficiencies, preventing mistakes and fighting fraud.  The system wastes up to $850 billion a year.  The biggest waster is unnecessary care to provide cover against malpractice suits.  That blows $300 billion a year.
*Ha!  And you thought making “Where the Wild Things Are” was the biggest waste of money ever.
*I know they’re trying to save money, but I’d sure like to know for certain they’re changing the paper you sit on in between appointments.

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matthewJon Gosselin says he returned $180,000 to a joint account he shares with Kate as the couple continues their divorce battle.  He criticized her for not showing up for a court hearing and says she still hasn’t explained how she spent $33,000 in joint funds.
*Matthew McConaughey immediately set up a joint account as well, not realizing it does not mean an account where you save up for joints.
*I think what bothers me the most about this story is that Jon Gosselin has $180,000.

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One of 6 Harvard Med School researchers who got sick after drinking coffee laced with a toxic chemical says he doesn’t see how it could have been an accident.  He immediately noticed a “weird” taste, then felt dizzy and got a rapid heartbeat.
*Isn’t getting a faster heartbeat one of the reasons you drink coffee?
*So the best part of waking up is not toxins in your cup?

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speedyTough-talking former Marine Larry Whitten wanted to turn around a failing hotel in New Mexico, so he forbade Hispanic workers from speaking Spanish in his presence and ordered some to change their names to something more English.  His method worked great at other hotels.  But now he’s a national political correctness target.
*The workers said they’d stop speaking Spanish but the Marine could no longer say “semper fi” because that’s Latin.

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A study says we’re still evolving, despite the view it stopped affecting us because we don’t struggle for the species to survive anymore.  Stout, slightly plump women tend to have more kids, so these traits are being passed from mothers to daughters.  By 2409, the average woman will be 0.8 in shorter, 2.2 lb. heavier, have her first kid 5 months earlier and enter menopause 10 months later.
*Which is rough because when you combine menopause with how hot global warming will have made things by 2409, it’s gonna be tough being around the house with her.
*I don’t think anyone could watch a single episode of “Real Housewives of Atlanta” and say with any confidence we’re evolving.

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3DThe success of 3-D movies in theaters means 3-D TVs could soon be in our homes.  Sony and Panasonic plan to introduce 3-D high-def TVs for the mass market.  You’ll still need to wear those special glasses, though.  3-D showings typically bring in over double the revenue of regular screenings when a movie is offered both ways.
*For crying out loud, you just spent thousands of dollars so you could have a flat panel, now you want things to stick out of it?
*They’re not going to rest until Donny Osmond is ballroom dancing right on my coffee table are they?

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The 22-year-old ESPN production assistant whose affair with baseball analyst Steve Phillips led to his firing also got fired.  ESPN says the ability of the former Mets GM to represent them had been “significantly and irreparably damaged.”  His wife filed for divorce.  In ‘98, he admitted having sex with a Mets employee who sued for sexual harassment.  They fired him in 2003.
*Phillips was caught when he came out of his office pantsless for his “7th inning stretch.”
*He’s also reportedly the first baseball GM to take steroids to “better his performance.”

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paulhaggis“Crash” director Paul Haggis has quit the Church of Scientology, partly because of their stand against gay marriage.  He’d been with the “church” for 35 years.
*Church leaders say they accept people from every walk of life, and they have a closet large enough for everyone to stay in.

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The plunge in newspaper circulation is accelerating as people cancel subscriptions and publishers cut distribution.  Average weekday circulation fell 10.6%.  Only one US paper increased circulation among the top 25…The Wall Street Journal.
*Seriously, I’d have though the Family Circus comic strip alone could keep newspapers in business.  When Billy goes all over the backyard with a dashed line behind him, that’s comedy gold.
*Sometimes, just for old time’s sake, I’ll call my neighborhood paper carrier and complain to him that my computer is wet.

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geckoA man was arrested in Norway smuggling 2 dozen snakes and geckos into the country.  He had 14 royal pythons hidden in stockings duct-taped to his stomach.  The 10 geckos were in boxes taped to his thighs.  He was searched because they found a tarantula in one of his bags.
*If you really want to fill your pants with snakes and get through without unsightly lines and bumps, you should probably wear Spanx.
*Fellow passengers who saw the man’s stomach squirming around said they thought it was the worst case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome they’d ever seen.

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Iowa City police are investigating an assault at a restaurant in which a man accused another of being a zombie, then punched him twice.  The victim was ordering when he was approached by another man who called him a zombie, then hit him in the eye.  When the victim tried to call police on his cell, the man hit him again, breaking his nose before running out a back door.
*The victim said his nose broke easily because his flesh has been decaying rapidly for some reason.
*That’s odd.  Normally it’s the people behind the counter at restaurants you think must be zombies.

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newmanThe driver of a mail truck in North Dakota was arrested for drunk driving after he was found speeding.
*Officers assumed any postal worker who was trying to get the mail delivered accurately and quickly had to be wasted.

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Obama’s only been in office just over 9 months, but he’s already gone golfing as much as Bush did in over 2 years.  He’s played 24 times, most recently with a woman, chief domestic policy adviser Melody Barnes.
*Actually it’s just been one, long continuous golf game.  Obama has as much trouble choosing which club to use as he does deciding on an Afghanistan strategy.

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leno6 weeks after Leno moved to primetime, NBC’s wait-and-see approach to his sinking ratings is testing the patience of affiliates.  The bad ratings are having a ripple effect on local newscasts.  NBC says Leno is a long-term strategy that will play out over 52 weeks.  But plan B is to give the 10pm hour back to the affiliates.
*So?  Stick a flashlight in his hand, call it “CSI: Burbank” and you’ll have ratings.  What’s the problem?

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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