May 04

Joe BidenAn Obama ex wrote in a journal about him as the relationship ended.  She says his warmth can be deceptive, and when she told him she loved him, he said, “Thank you.”  The worst part was after Obama left, she was required to date Joe Biden.
(The Real Story) 


 

tan momThe NJ mom accused of letting her 5-year-old daughter use a tanning booth denies it.  She also denies telling the girl if she stayed in the room long enough, she’d turn into a yummy cookie.
(The Real Story)  


 

Tyler PerryInvestigators are looking for the cause of the fire that ripped through Tyler Perry’s Atlanta studios.  See all the details in the upcoming motion picture, “Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Burst Into Flames Part 2.”
(The Real Story)  


 

Paula DeanA CA teen is charged with stealing Food Network star Guy Fieri’s yellow Lamborghini from a dealership by repelling down from the roof.  Which coincidentally is how diabetic Paula Dean now sneaks down to her kitchen for cake.
(The Real Story)  


 

Charlotte's WebChina’s pigs create 1.5 million tons of pig poo a year.  So an Australian company is working to turn it into biofuel for cooking and heating.  This is one part of “Charlotte’s Web” I clearly missed.
(The Real Story)  


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

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Mar 23

Jeb BushFormer FL Gov. Jeb Bush endorsed Mitt Romney as the Republican primary nominee.  He also boldly predicted the New York Giants will beat the New England Patriots in Super Bowl XLVI.
(The Real Story) 


 

Newt GingrichA study says for narcissists, Facebook may promote anti-social behavior.  Narcissism is “a pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration and an exaggerated sense of self-importance.”  Or you can look up Newt Gingrich on Wikipedia.
(The Real Story)  


 

zumbaScientists are baffled by the source of mysterious booms and shaking that have plagued Clintonville, WI for 3 days.  Some residents have even fled.  All because of a secret midnight Zumba class for women over 300 lbs.?
(The Real Story)  


 

Black SwanThe epic movie “Noah” starts filming in July with Russell Crowe.  The movie will be helmed by the director of “Black Swan.”  He does understand loading things onto the ark two-by-two shouldn’t include two hot ballerina girls, right?
(The Real Story)  


 

examAn FAU professor was reviewing with his evolution class for a midterm when student Jonatha Carr screamed, “How does evolution kill black people!?”  Carr then got violent.  Joke’s on her, that question isn’t even going to be on the test.
(The Real Story)  


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

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Mar 08

doomsday prepperA recent doomsday prepper convention in SC was a huge success, with 800 people attending.  Bars love it when prepper conventions come to town.  Everybody runs up a huge tab thinking the world will end before they have to pay it.
(The Real Story) 


 

Ann RomneyAnn Romney declared, “I don’t even consider myself wealthy.”  She also talked about her expensive horse collection.  Lastly, she tried to pay each reporter and cameraman at the event $500 each to forget they were ever there.
(The Real Story) 


 

robotA 4-legged robot known as the Cheetah set a new land speed record for legged robots by running 18 mph on a treadmill.  Scientists say it’s a giant step toward a bold “commute to work by riding piggyback on a robot” future.
(The Real Story)  


 

George Washington McNuggetA woman sold a McDonald’s Chicken McNugget that resembles George Washington for $8,100 on eBay.  McDonald’s was even running a promotion that day where with the purchase of a Chicken McNugget, you got to chop down a fried cherry pie.
(The Real Story)  


 

Kim ZolchiakKim Zolciak’s new song is a country ballad called “Love Me First.”  She says the lyrics are autobiographical.  Really?  She sings about screaming at other women and making a living attaching herself to rich men?
(The Real Story)  


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

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Jan 28

Marvin the MartianNewt Gingrich says the US will have a colony on the moon by 2020 if he’s elected.  He also said a new propulsion system would get us to Mars.  Ron Paul immediately said he doesn’t see any reason why Martians should not be allowed to have nuclear weapons.
(The Real Story) 


 

Chris TuckerSteven Spielberg will make an epic Moses movie.  It’s called a “Braveheart-ish version of the Moses story.”  It’s actually also a buddy movie.  Aaron will be played by Chris Tucker.
(The Real Story)  


 

chickenA 17-year-old girl in the UK who’s eaten almost nothing but chicken nuggets for 15 years has been warned by docs it’s killing her.  The irony is, after all those years of eating chicken nuggets, she’s never actually eaten any real chicken.
(The Real Story) 


 

Michael JacksonMichael Jackson’s 13-year-old daughter Paris is reportedly hot for Justin Bieber.  She introduced him at a show and was gushing.  I feel fairly confident dad would have liked Justin a whole lot too.
(The Real Story)  


 

Alex TrebekPat Sajak says he used to be wasted on “Wheel of Fortune” in the 80s.  So what?  I remember when Alex Trebek used to do a shot every time the Daily Double would come up on Jeopardy.
(The Real Story) 


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

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Oct 17

(Delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

2panel_InsertCheck out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

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balloonboySo this homemade balloon takes off in Ft. Collins, CO and everyone thought a 6-year-old boy was aboard.  But he was in a box in the attic.  The balloon was behind Richard and Mayumi Heene’s house.  It was airborne over 2 hours and flew 50 miles through 2 counties.  The family appeared twice on ABC’s “Wife Swap.”
*So see, it turns out the boy was in a hoax.  I mean box!  He was in a box!
*Hey, now I know what Justin Timberlake was singing about on SNL with that “Dick in a Box” song.
*What’s more redneck, seeing a UFO or using your 6-year-old to get national TV exposure?
*Dangit, for a minute there I thought I found a way to fly without having to pay extra for my bags.

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Social Security recipients won’t get a cost-of-living increase next year for the first time in over a third of a century.  To make up for it, Obama might send seniors another round of $250 payments before election time to keep them supportive.  Cost-of-living adjustments are tied to inflation, which is negative this year.
*Which means seniors are going to have to forego plans to get their Hoverounds souped up.
*$250 doesn’t seem like much, but to a senior citizen do you realize how many greeting cards that can buy?!

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obamaObama defended his administration against complaints from some residents of the hurricane-ravaged Gulf Coast federal help in recovering hasn’t improved much since he took office.  Candidate Obama slammed Bush’s response to Katrina repeatedly.
*And then threw inexpensive Mardi Gras beads out to the crowd.
*Obama said he wished he could write them a blank check…much like the one taxpayers handed him.

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A Louisiana justice of the peace refused to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple out of concern for any kids they might have.  Keith Bardwell says most interracial marriages don’t last and neither black nor white society accepts offspring of such relationships.
*Townspeople were not surprised as Bardwell won’t even buy Neapolitan ice cream.

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billymaysBilly Mays’ widow says an independent medical examiner determined cocaine use did not contribute to his death.  She says he reviewed autopsy materials and found no evidence of chronic cocaine use.  Hillsborough County said cocaine contributed to the heart disease that suddenly killed him.
*Still, it was very inappropriate after the fist autopsy report for her to scream out, “But wait…there’s more!!!!”

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Rush Limbaugh lashed out at the NFL union leader, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson and the media after being dropped from a group trying to buy the Rams.  He said he was approached about participating in the bid and was assured his involvement had been vetted by the NFL at the highest levels.
*Limbaugh is now trying to determine if he’ll be allowed to buy Madden 2010 from Best Buy without a global media firestorm.

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queenelizabethQueen Elizabeth stunned theater-goers in London when she and her husband slipped in to see a play at the last minute.  The queen and her husband often make incognito trips out, but are rarely spotted.  When they left, they were given a round of applause, which the Queen acknowledged with a wave.
*She stunned the audience even further when she screamed out to the lead actor, “Take your shirt off!!”
*Actually, that wasn’t a wave.  She ate too many hot dogs at intermission and it churned the royal stomach something awful.

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A woman being driven in a limo announced at a Columbus Burlington Coat Factory she’d won the lottery and would pay for everyone’s purchases.  That caused a riot when customers realized it was a hoax.  Cashiers rang up sales before discovering the woman had no money and angry customers grabbed clothes without paying.
*People hadn’t seen anyone so blatantly pretending to be rich when they’re not since Jon Gosselin came into the store.

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courtneyloveCourtney Love closed her Twitter account days after her daughter Frances went after Lindsay Lohan’s sister Ali on it.  Miley Cyrus has also dropped Twitter.  Love is fighting a defamation claim after tweeting disgust at a fashion designer, and Demi Moore and Perez Hilton are exploring legal action after their Tweet war last month.
*What’s replacing it?  The very exclusive Celebrity Farmtown!

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“Dancing With the Stars” plans to honor Michael Jackson with a special performance by the 16 pro dancers participating in this season’s competition.  The hour will pay tribute with a medley of Jackson songs representing different eras of his career.
*They’ll honor him by performing all the routines while heavily sedated with sleep medication.
*And to make it even more realistic, Joseph Jackson will be at the judges table being abusively critical.

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swearwordsA new survey says Mexican adults curse an average of 20 times a day, serving up about 1.3 billion swear words daily.  Upper class citizens report swearing more than the poor, while people in the southern part of the country curse less than northerners.
*Is it because they didn’t get any candy after the pinata burst?
*Wow, I thought that border fence was so easy to get through there wouldn’t even be any need for anyone to curse.
*Most of those swear words are uttered to American tourists who don’t speak Spanish and think they’re just aggressively being sold a poncho.

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A person in SD believed to be a man disguised as a woman in a black dress tried to steal a bottle of rum and colas from a drug store.  He was described as 6-foot-3 and 300 pounds.  Store security couldn’t stop him.  He handed the rum back, threw the colas on the ground and fled after trying to bite an employee.
*No wonder it was a black dress.  You weigh that much, you need to wear a color that’s slimming.
*If you’re a 300 pound man and you’re already wearing a dress, what the hell do you need the rum to get loosened up for?!
*Of course when the police report says he “fled”, that really means he got all the way to the Chiklet aisle before getting winded and collapsing.

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littleguyA 22 inch-tall Nepali teenager who claims to be the world’s smallest man says he’s looking forward to global fame, international travel and an arranged marriage with a bride of similar size.  Khagendra Magar weighs 10lbs.  He enjoys karate and occasionally performs with a dance troupe.
*He’s especially looking forward to going to the American Girl doll store in Chicago so he can find a date.
*He’s the only one who can come out of the It’s a Small World ride at Disney saying, “Oh my God those things were HUGE!”
*In his karate class, he’s not so much going for a black belt as he is a black wristband.

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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Sep 23

(Delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

2panel_InsertCheck out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

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bankA survey shows more customers now prefer to bank online compared to more traditional methods.  18-34’s even prefer to do it over their mobile devices.  Overall, the popularity of ATMs has declined.
*The problem for banks, of course, is having to attach one of those drive-thru hydraulic tubes to every customer’s PC and laptop.
*To make it more authentic, they’re even working on pop-up pages that say “next teller please” to make you move to the next computer.
*I think if you commit bank fraud online they’ve even got one of those blue dye packs that blasts you in the face using your webcam.

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Iran’s president Ahmadinejad said he’s proud to stoke international outrage by denying the Holocaust ever happened as he heads to the UN this week.  The US is still saying it suspects Iran is secretly pursuing a nuclear weapon.
*Secretly?  That’s like saying Perez Hilton is secretly gay.
*Since he doesn’t mind being so hated, if this ruler of Iran thing doesn’t work out, there’s always a place for him in the WWE.
*Nope…still doesn’t piss us off more than Bernie Madoff does.
*Has anyone told him UN doesn’t stand for “Unified Nazis?”

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cooperThe Houston Astros fired manager Cecil Cooper with 13 games left in the season.  The GM said this will give the Astros a chance to evaluate “other facets of our operation.”
*Apparently, Cooper expressed a belief that 9/11 was a conspiracy orchestrated by George Bush.  Oh wait, that was one of Obama’s guys.
*“Other facets of our operation” meaning concessions.

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2 Australian teens who found almost $87,000 in cash during a fishing trip handed it over to police – after taking some time thinking about it.  They found it earlier this month near a town known for an annual hippie commune festival promoting cannabis use.
*See it documented on the new Discovery Channel series, “The Grooviest Catch.”
*Usually if you’re fishing for money you use Oprah as bait.  Just ask Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz.
*I guess they’re just lucky the first people who caught it threw it back in to be sporting.

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marsMars wasn’t always red, according to a new theory for how the planet got that way.  They think it’s a relatively recent development.  A grinding down of rocks from erosion could produce a red mineral that stains the dust on Mars.
*Other theories are it’s generally a Republican planet and turned read when Congressman Joe Wilson yelled out “You lie!”
*Are you sure it’s not the “infected” planet?
*The world hasn’t seen a bizarre mystery that red since Carrot Top.

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Netflix awarded a $1 million prize to a 7-member international research group as part of a 3-year contest to help them more accurately predict what movies customers will like.  The BellKor Pragmatic Chaos team made their picks twice as accurate.  Plus Netflix doesn’t have to pay them royalties, as stated in the rules.
*Sounds like way too much work.  I’ll stick with Publisher’s Clearinghouse.
*The team is now working on a system to help carnival workers guess people’s age and weight.
*It’s all about bragging rights…Netflix being able to brag they got all these people to do work for them virtually for free.

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perotSarah Palin has been relying almost exclusively on social media to get her message out, which lets her stay in the news while avoiding media heat.  Her Facebook posts accused authors of the health care proposal of creating “death panels” to decide end of life care.  Sarah has over 850,000 “friends.”
*That’s a lot of friends, but she does have them grouped into “people who think I’m borderline psychotic,” and “people who think I’m sure as shootin’ you betcha.”
*Plus she’s awesome at Mafia Wars.
*She has posted several times that she’s able to see Russian web sites right from her computer!
*So…Ross Perot not looking so nutty these days is he?

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St. Louis Community College has to pay after a coffee maker rigged to a faucet and left on in a photo lab led to a ruptured water line.  About 10,000 gallons of water spilled down 4 floors, damaging ceilings, walls, computers and files.  $200,000.  They’ll also be asked to pay cleanup costs, including $143,494 to a disaster-recovery company.
*10,000 gallons?!  If they drink that much coffee around there how can professors hold their hands still long enough to use their laser pointers?
*Specifically, it’s a disaster-grande recovery company.
*“That’s funny…Jim never causes $200,000 worth of damage at home.”

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chenowethParamedics checked out Kristin Chenoweth after her Emmy win, but she’s fine.  The “Pushing Daisies” star felt a migraine coming on after winning Outstanding Supporting Actress in a comedy series.  The show, of course, has already been cancelled.
*Network TV shows are much easier to get rid of than migraines.
*Paramedics were called when, in a crushing disappointment, the cast of Grey’s Anatomy turned out to be no help whatsoever.
*The good thing about migraines is they keep acceptance speeches shorter.

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A white Philly cop who came to work with his hair in cornrows was ordered to get a haircut, even though black colleagues wear the same braids.  Thomas Strain was put on desk duty because his boss didn’t feel the braids were professional…but only on a white guy.
*He’s also been known to watch nothing but Tyler Perry movies on his iPod while at work.
*That really is a bad idea.  If he pulls over somebody who’s drunk enough, they’re likely to think he’s Bo Derek.
*He will be allowed to keep Earth, Wind & Fire as his on-hold music at his desk.

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psychoA Florida woman was sentenced to a year and a day for keeping her dead mother’s body in a bedroom for 6 years while collecting over $230,000 in pension benefits.  She has to pay $237,876 back to the government.
*Let’s go over this one more time.  “Psycho” is not an instructional video!
*Oh yeah, cause the government doesn’t have any skeletons in their closet.
*The Meals on Wheels worker never even noticed.  Mom never was one to have a big, outgoing personality.

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The roof of the church where Shakespeare’s remains lie is in danger of collapse.  The beams in Holy Trinity church right over his grave are rotting and could collapse.  And his gravesite is specifically inscribed: “Blessed be the man that spares these stones, and cursed be he that moves my bones.”
*“Pennington, Pennington, wherefore art thou Ty Pennington?”
*Don’t all artists live to bring the house down?
*Something is rotten alright, but it’s not in the state of Denmark.

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cubaLegislation to end a ban on Americans traveling to Cuba apparently has enough support in the House to win approval by year-end.
*Apparently new locations are desperately needed for “Man vs. Food.”

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Houston police report restaurant theft that takes place during business hours is up slightly this year, while break-ins when a restaurant is closed are down.  People steal décor and practical items from restaurants for several reasons, many of which are alcohol-related.
*Some restaurants have so much crap on the walls I thought it was them who went around stealing things.
*So when you go to someone’s house for a formal meal and they serve everything in appetizer baskets, you’ll know you’ve got a perp.
*It really is an awful feeling when you wake up the next morning from a wild night out to find out you brought the dish washer home.

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hasselhoffDavid Hasselhoff says he wasn’t drunk Sunday, he had an ear problem.  Paramedics took him to the hospital after daughter Hayley called her mom saying daddy’s blasted again.  His people say he was being treated for an ear infection and was taking Antivert plus the anti-alcohol drug Antabuse.  The combo messed up his equilibrium.
*I think the only ear problem he had was he didn’t hear people telling him to stop drinking.

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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