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Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

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A survey shows more customers now prefer to bank online compared to more traditional methods.  18-34’s even prefer to do it over their mobile devices.  Overall, the popularity of ATMs has declined.
*The problem for banks, of course, is having to attach one of those drive-thru hydraulic tubes to every customer’s PC and laptop.
*To make it more authentic, they’re even working on pop-up pages that say “next teller please” to make you move to the next computer.
*I think if you commit bank fraud online they’ve even got one of those blue dye packs that blasts you in the face using your webcam.

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Iran’s president Ahmadinejad said he’s proud to stoke international outrage by denying the Holocaust ever happened as he heads to the UN this week.  The US is still saying it suspects Iran is secretly pursuing a nuclear weapon.
*Secretly?  That’s like saying Perez Hilton is secretly gay.
*Since he doesn’t mind being so hated, if this ruler of Iran thing doesn’t work out, there’s always a place for him in the WWE.
*Nope…still doesn’t piss us off more than Bernie Madoff does.
*Has anyone told him UN doesn’t stand for “Unified Nazis?”

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The Houston Astros fired manager Cecil Cooper with 13 games left in the season.  The GM said this will give the Astros a chance to evaluate “other facets of our operation.”
*Apparently, Cooper expressed a belief that 9/11 was a conspiracy orchestrated by George Bush.  Oh wait, that was one of Obama’s guys.
*“Other facets of our operation” meaning concessions.

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2 Australian teens who found almost $87,000 in cash during a fishing trip handed it over to police – after taking some time thinking about it.  They found it earlier this month near a town known for an annual hippie commune festival promoting cannabis use.
*See it documented on the new Discovery Channel series, “The Grooviest Catch.”
*Usually if you’re fishing for money you use Oprah as bait.  Just ask Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz.
*I guess they’re just lucky the first people who caught it threw it back in to be sporting.

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Mars wasn’t always red, according to a new theory for how the planet got that way.  They think it’s a relatively recent development.  A grinding down of rocks from erosion could produce a red mineral that stains the dust on Mars.
*Other theories are it’s generally a Republican planet and turned read when Congressman Joe Wilson yelled out “You lie!”
*Are you sure it’s not the “infected” planet?
*The world hasn’t seen a bizarre mystery that red since Carrot Top.

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Netflix awarded a $1 million prize to a 7-member international research group as part of a 3-year contest to help them more accurately predict what movies customers will like.  The BellKor Pragmatic Chaos team made their picks twice as accurate.  Plus Netflix doesn’t have to pay them royalties, as stated in the rules.
*Sounds like way too much work.  I’ll stick with Publisher’s Clearinghouse.
*The team is now working on a system to help carnival workers guess people’s age and weight.
*It’s all about bragging rights…Netflix being able to brag they got all these people to do work for them virtually for free.

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Sarah Palin has been relying almost exclusively on social media to get her message out, which lets her stay in the news while avoiding media heat.  Her Facebook posts accused authors of the health care proposal of creating “death panels” to decide end of life care.  Sarah has over 850,000 “friends.”
*That’s a lot of friends, but she does have them grouped into “people who think I’m borderline psychotic,” and “people who think I’m sure as shootin’ you betcha.”
*Plus she’s awesome at Mafia Wars.
*She has posted several times that she’s able to see Russian web sites right from her computer!
*So…Ross Perot not looking so nutty these days is he?

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St. Louis Community College has to pay after a coffee maker rigged to a faucet and left on in a photo lab led to a ruptured water line.  About 10,000 gallons of water spilled down 4 floors, damaging ceilings, walls, computers and files.  $200,000.  They’ll also be asked to pay cleanup costs, including $143,494 to a disaster-recovery company.
*10,000 gallons?!  If they drink that much coffee around there how can professors hold their hands still long enough to use their laser pointers?
*Specifically, it’s a disaster-grande recovery company.
*“That’s funny…Jim never causes $200,000 worth of damage at home.”

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Paramedics checked out Kristin Chenoweth after her Emmy win, but she’s fine.  The “Pushing Daisies” star felt a migraine coming on after winning Outstanding Supporting Actress in a comedy series.  The show, of course, has already been cancelled.
*Network TV shows are much easier to get rid of than migraines.
*Paramedics were called when, in a crushing disappointment, the cast of Grey’s Anatomy turned out to be no help whatsoever.
*The good thing about migraines is they keep acceptance speeches shorter.

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A white Philly cop who came to work with his hair in cornrows was ordered to get a haircut, even though black colleagues wear the same braids.  Thomas Strain was put on desk duty because his boss didn’t feel the braids were professional…but only on a white guy.
*He’s also been known to watch nothing but Tyler Perry movies on his iPod while at work.
*That really is a bad idea.  If he pulls over somebody who’s drunk enough, they’re likely to think he’s Bo Derek.
*He will be allowed to keep Earth, Wind & Fire as his on-hold music at his desk.

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A Florida woman was sentenced to a year and a day for keeping her dead mother’s body in a bedroom for 6 years while collecting over $230,000 in pension benefits.  She has to pay $237,876 back to the government.
*Let’s go over this one more time.  “Psycho” is not an instructional video!
*Oh yeah, cause the government doesn’t have any skeletons in their closet.
*The Meals on Wheels worker never even noticed.  Mom never was one to have a big, outgoing personality.

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The roof of the church where Shakespeare’s remains lie is in danger of collapse.  The beams in Holy Trinity church right over his grave are rotting and could collapse.  And his gravesite is specifically inscribed: “Blessed be the man that spares these stones, and cursed be he that moves my bones.”
*“Pennington, Pennington, wherefore art thou Ty Pennington?”
*Don’t all artists live to bring the house down?
*Something is rotten alright, but it’s not in the state of Denmark.

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Legislation to end a ban on Americans traveling to Cuba apparently has enough support in the House to win approval by year-end.
*Apparently new locations are desperately needed for “Man vs. Food.”

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Houston police report restaurant theft that takes place during business hours is up slightly this year, while break-ins when a restaurant is closed are down.  People steal décor and practical items from restaurants for several reasons, many of which are alcohol-related.
*Some restaurants have so much crap on the walls I thought it was them who went around stealing things.
*So when you go to someone’s house for a formal meal and they serve everything in appetizer baskets, you’ll know you’ve got a perp.
*It really is an awful feeling when you wake up the next morning from a wild night out to find out you brought the dish washer home.

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David Hasselhoff says he wasn’t drunk Sunday, he had an ear problem.  Paramedics took him to the hospital after daughter Hayley called her mom saying daddy’s blasted again.  His people say he was being treated for an ear infection and was taking Antivert plus the anti-alcohol drug Antabuse.  The combo messed up his equilibrium.
*I think the only ear problem he had was he didn’t hear people telling him to stop drinking.

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www.mikestiles.com