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Iran’s Revolutionary Guard said it successfully test-fired short-range missiles to show Tehran is prepared to crush any military threat. This just days after they were warned about a nuke facility they’ve been secretly building.
*It’s kinda like proving you don’t have drugs in your house by creating a cloud of cocaine so they can’t see you.
*Well, considering our missile shield plan is now to provide allies with really big umbrellas, it’s a concern.
*The missiles apparently go exactly the way Iranian leaders want them to…kind of like their elections.
Director Roman Polanski was arrested by Swiss police while there for the Zurich Film Festival and faces possible extradition to the US for having sex with a 13-year-old girl in 1977. He directed films like “Chinatown” and “Rosemary’s Baby.”
*Okay, okay, so the Swiss aren’t neutral about everything.
*The worst part about doing a significant amount of jail time in Switzerland is the cuckoo clocks they put in every cell.
*Polanski was caught while listening to his ipod, which was loaded with John Phillips music.
The government is starting an unprecedented system to track possible side effects as mass swine flu vaccinations begin next month. The idea is to detect any problems quickly.
*Side effects so far include curly tailbone growth, squealing when you laugh, grunting when you eat, your hair gets short and pink, your nostrils grow amazingly large, and you can’t say “that’s all folks” without stuttering.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” was number 1 at the box office again, with “Surrogates” coming in at #2.
*I’m sure flood victims in the southeast would greatly prefer that it rain meatballs right now.
*”Surrogates” of course, starring Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick.
“Saturday Night Live” started the season with the F-bomb. Newcomer Jenny Slate let it slip during a parody of a talk show by biker women. No word on if there’ll be any repercussions.
*Of course, the fact that everybody’s hearing about it, but almost nobody saw it, points out that SNL has much bigger problems.
*If they were going to do that, you’d think they’d have saved it for when Serena Williams was the host.
Obama says American kids spend too little time in school, putting them at a disadvantage with foreign students. He wants schools to make classes longer, stay open later and to let kids in on weekends so they have a safe place to go.
*Apparently, the younger kids need a lot more time to learn their Obama worship songs.
*Teachers keep getting arrested for having affairs with their students, and he regards school as a safe place?
*This is especially bad news for the kids who get thrown in their lockers and left there for most of the school day.
Long-secret security tapes showing the chaos after the 1995 bombing of the Oklahoma City federal building go blank right before the blast and appear to have been edited. 4 cameras in 4 different locations all go dark at the same time. Some speculate the FBI is hiding evidence others were involved in the attack.
*Investigators can tell the video’s been edited because there could not have been a baby dancing to Beyonce right before the bomb went off.
Poland approved a law making chemical castration mandatory for pedophiles in some cases. They say, “The purpose of this action is to improve the mental health of the convict.”
*The chemical used is made by “Former Johnson & Former Johnson.”
*However, tragedy struck when the nation’s pediatricians misunderstood and thought they were talking about them.
A discovery in a Liverpool library reveals Paul McCartney’s talent for writing won him a prize when he was just 10. It was for an essay about Queen Elizabeth II. Paul contrasted violence on the coronation day of William the Conqueror with Elizabeth’s coronation. His prize was a gift certificate for books.
*They’re sure it’s Paul’s because it was a group project and he only let Ringo write one word of the essay.
*Obviously the book he won wasn’t “A Guide to Japanese Marijuana Laws.”
A candidate to be SC’s next National Guard leader launched his campaign with a “machine-gun social.” 500 people came out to a shooting range for Dean Allen’s rally. $25 for barbecue, a clip of bullets for target practice and the chance to win a semiautomatic AK-47.
*That’s nothing compared to what went down at a “separatist compound social” earlier in the week.
*Famous bird hunter Dick Cheney was invited but could not come due to safety concerns… everybody else’s.
*Barbecue was $10 if you shot and dragged in your own ribs.
Dalton Chiscolm doesn’t like Bank of America’s customer service. He sued the bank and its board for “1,784 billion, trillion dollars.” He says he placed a series of calls to the bank in NY, got inconsistent info from a ‘Spanish woman,’ and checks got rejected because of incomplete routing numbers.
*The worst part is that hearing the amount “1,784 billion, trillion dollars” gave Obama officials a new target for where the deficit could be run up to.
*The last time I got inconsistent info from a Spanish woman was when I asked Charo, “So, was it good for you too?”
©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC