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Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

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Taco Bell will hand out free Black Jack tacos in honor of Halloween and the World Series Oct. 31, from 6 pm to midnight.  The value menu item is filled with seasoned beef, lettuce, shredded cheese and pepper jack sauce.
*Meanwhile, crime-ridden Detroit will be handing out real blackjacks.
*At first, Taco Bell was going to honor the World Series by handing out burritos that folded up like the Angels did.

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Castro’s sister collaborated with the CIA after Kennedy’s failed Bay of Pigs invasion of Cuba in 1961.  Juanita Castro supported Fidel’s revolution at first, but grew disillusioned.  The wife of Brazil’s ambassador talked her into meeting a CIA officer.  She gave them info but wouldn’t take any money.
*She cooperated believing JFK’s line that he would dump Marilyn and setting up a secret love villa with her in Havana.
*No woman can be expected to support a revolution where all you get to wear is olive drab.

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Iceland’s 3 McDonald’s will close next weekend, a victim of falling profits caused by the collapse of the Icelandic currency.  Costs doubled and they couldn’t raise prices.  A Big Mac in Reykjavik already retails for $5.29.
*Plus, McFlurries really aren’t that in demand where the average temperature is 17.
*Plus there was the problem of countless children with their tongues stuck to the outdoor Playlands.
*You know a country’s in trouble when the prize in all the Happy Meals is a job application.

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A report says the healthcare system is as wasteful as Obama says it is, and some reforms could be paid for just by fixing inefficiencies, preventing mistakes and fighting fraud.  The system wastes up to $850 billion a year.  The biggest waster is unnecessary care to provide cover against malpractice suits.  That blows $300 billion a year.
*Ha!  And you thought making “Where the Wild Things Are” was the biggest waste of money ever.
*I know they’re trying to save money, but I’d sure like to know for certain they’re changing the paper you sit on in between appointments.

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Jon Gosselin says he returned $180,000 to a joint account he shares with Kate as the couple continues their divorce battle.  He criticized her for not showing up for a court hearing and says she still hasn’t explained how she spent $33,000 in joint funds.
*Matthew McConaughey immediately set up a joint account as well, not realizing it does not mean an account where you save up for joints.
*I think what bothers me the most about this story is that Jon Gosselin has $180,000.

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One of 6 Harvard Med School researchers who got sick after drinking coffee laced with a toxic chemical says he doesn’t see how it could have been an accident.  He immediately noticed a “weird” taste, then felt dizzy and got a rapid heartbeat.
*Isn’t getting a faster heartbeat one of the reasons you drink coffee?
*So the best part of waking up is not toxins in your cup?

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Tough-talking former Marine Larry Whitten wanted to turn around a failing hotel in New Mexico, so he forbade Hispanic workers from speaking Spanish in his presence and ordered some to change their names to something more English.  His method worked great at other hotels.  But now he’s a national political correctness target.
*The workers said they’d stop speaking Spanish but the Marine could no longer say “semper fi” because that’s Latin.

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A study says we’re still evolving, despite the view it stopped affecting us because we don’t struggle for the species to survive anymore.  Stout, slightly plump women tend to have more kids, so these traits are being passed from mothers to daughters.  By 2409, the average woman will be 0.8 in shorter, 2.2 lb. heavier, have her first kid 5 months earlier and enter menopause 10 months later.
*Which is rough because when you combine menopause with how hot global warming will have made things by 2409, it’s gonna be tough being around the house with her.
*I don’t think anyone could watch a single episode of “Real Housewives of Atlanta” and say with any confidence we’re evolving.

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The success of 3-D movies in theaters means 3-D TVs could soon be in our homes.  Sony and Panasonic plan to introduce 3-D high-def TVs for the mass market.  You’ll still need to wear those special glasses, though.  3-D showings typically bring in over double the revenue of regular screenings when a movie is offered both ways.
*For crying out loud, you just spent thousands of dollars so you could have a flat panel, now you want things to stick out of it?
*They’re not going to rest until Donny Osmond is ballroom dancing right on my coffee table are they?

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The 22-year-old ESPN production assistant whose affair with baseball analyst Steve Phillips led to his firing also got fired.  ESPN says the ability of the former Mets GM to represent them had been “significantly and irreparably damaged.”  His wife filed for divorce.  In ‘98, he admitted having sex with a Mets employee who sued for sexual harassment.  They fired him in 2003.
*Phillips was caught when he came out of his office pantsless for his “7^th inning stretch.”
*He’s also reportedly the first baseball GM to take steroids to “better his performance.”

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“Crash” director Paul Haggis has quit the Church of Scientology, partly because of their stand against gay marriage.  He’d been with the “church” for 35 years.
*Church leaders say they accept people from every walk of life, and they have a closet large enough for everyone to stay in.

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The plunge in newspaper circulation is accelerating as people cancel subscriptions and publishers cut distribution.  Average weekday circulation fell 10.6%.  Only one US paper increased circulation among the top 25…The Wall Street Journal.
*Seriously, I’d have though the Family Circus comic strip alone could keep newspapers in business.  When Billy goes all over the backyard with a dashed line behind him, that’s comedy gold.
*Sometimes, just for old time’s sake, I’ll call my neighborhood paper carrier and complain to him that my computer is wet.

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A man was arrested in Norway smuggling 2 dozen snakes and geckos into the country.  He had 14 royal pythons hidden in stockings duct-taped to his stomach.  The 10 geckos were in boxes taped to his thighs.  He was searched because they found a tarantula in one of his bags.
*If you really want to fill your pants with snakes and get through without unsightly lines and bumps, you should probably wear Spanx.
*Fellow passengers who saw the man’s stomach squirming around said they thought it was the worst case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome they’d ever seen.

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Iowa City police are investigating an assault at a restaurant in which a man accused another of being a zombie, then punched him twice.  The victim was ordering when he was approached by another man who called him a zombie, then hit him in the eye.  When the victim tried to call police on his cell, the man hit him again, breaking his nose before running out a back door.
*The victim said his nose broke easily because his flesh has been decaying rapidly for some reason.
*That’s odd.  Normally it’s the people behind the counter at restaurants you think must be zombies.

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The driver of a mail truck in North Dakota was arrested for drunk driving after he was found speeding.
*Officers assumed any postal worker who was trying to get the mail delivered accurately and quickly had to be wasted.

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Obama’s only been in office just over 9 months, but he’s already gone golfing as much as Bush did in over 2 years.  He’s played 24 times, most recently with a woman, chief domestic policy adviser Melody Barnes.
*Actually it’s just been one, long continuous golf game.  Obama has as much trouble choosing which club to use as he does deciding on an Afghanistan strategy.

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6 weeks after Leno moved to primetime, NBC’s wait-and-see approach to his sinking ratings is testing the patience of affiliates.  The bad ratings are having a ripple effect on local newscasts.  NBC says Leno is a long-term strategy that will play out over 52 weeks.  But plan B is to give the 10pm hour back to the affiliates.
*So?  Stick a flashlight in his hand, call it “CSI: Burbank” and you’ll have ratings.  What’s the problem?

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com