May 08

Smash3 employees of NBC or an NBC-owned station were fired for editing a call to police by George Zimmerman.  Most people are pretty sure a promo for “Smash” didn’t play in the middle of the 911 call.
(The Real Story) 


 

red penNYC’s Metropolitan Museum of Art got corrected by a 13-year-old boy, who found an error on one of the maps.  What the museum didn’t like was when he returned the next weekend with a big red marker to correct other mistakes.
(The Real Story)  


 

kittenA prison in WA is testing “Cuddly Catz,” matching inmates with rescued cats from shelters.  Most of the kitties wind up behind bars on trumped up catnip charges.
(The Real Story)  


 

driving monkeyA FL man is charged with felony drunken driving and wildlife violations after cops found a small monkey in his truck.  Idiot.  He should have let the monkey drive so he wouldn’t have gotten the DUI.
(The Real Story)  


 

mailmanLetter carriers are getting pressure from criminals who use stolen ids to file bogus tax returns to deliver the refunds to vacant houses.  And it’s hard for them to be street tough in those shorts and safari hats.
(The Real Story)  


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

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Apr 03

UK victory riotPolice pepper sprayed fans who swarmed the streets near UK, overturning cars and burning couches after beating Louisville in the Final Four.  Fans even organized themselves into brackets to see who the last one arrested would be.
(The Real Story) 


 

Osama bin LadenOne of his wives says Osama bin Laden actually had 5 safe houses, all inside Pakistan.  He would often say, “Hey, how many great Satans does a guy have to bring to its knees to get a little AC around here?!”
(The Real Story)  


 

electric meterSaturday, millions all over the globe turned their lights off for an hour in honor of Earth Hour.  We celebrate it all the time.  It’s called not paying our electric bill.
(The Real Story)  


 

tornadoSome weather offices are testing using words like “mass devastation,” ”unsurvivable” and “catastrophic” in new tornado warnings to get people to pay more attention.  There’s also one called “This tornado’s about to go all Alabama on your ass.”
(The Real Story)  


 

Sarah PalinNBC announced Sarah Palin will co-host “Today” Tuesday.  It’s also expected to be the first time “Today” has ever had a bear-skinning segment.
(The Real Story)  


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

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Nov 16

Bookmark the main Stiles Files site for the 10 Funniest Things on the Web Daily

 

KardashianNBA players rejected the league’s latest offer, likely jeopardizing the season.  Not surprising they turned it down since part of the league’s offer was all players get to eventually marry a Kardashian.
(The Real Story)


 

Abraham LincolnChelsea Clinton will work for NBC News as a “special correspondent.”  Jenna Bush Hager, daughter of George W., has been a “Today” show correspondent since 2009.  And don’t forget the new Saturday morning animated show on NBC featuring those wacky Lincoln boys!
(The Real Story)


 

Casey AnthonyTim McGraw and Kenny Chesney are joining forces on a stadiums-only tour next summer.  It should do much better than the Casey Anthony/Kate Gosselin comedy tour.
(The Real Story)


 

croquetRussia plans to buy 10,000 badminton rackets and tens of thousands of shuttlecocks for their military next year.  They say badminton uses the same muscles as throwing grenades.  But it’s not going to help them when some breakaway Russian Republic comes at them with croquet mallets.
(The Real Story)


 

roadA San Jose man found $500,000 worth of cocaine jammed in the door panels of a used minivan he’d just bought.  He suspected something was up when the van left an additional white center line as it went down the road.
(The Real Story)


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

©2011, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com
    @mikestiles

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Oct 26

The Blog Monologue

recycling5 to 20 million tons of debris sucked into the Pacific after Japan’s tsunami will approach the US West Coast in the next 3 years.  And what’s more, once it gets here, CA is going to force you to separate the recyclables.
(The Real Story)


Mr. BeanNetflix will offer online subscriptions to the UK and Ireland.  Naturally, the only titles available for streaming will be “Fawlty Towers” and “Mr. Bean.”
(The Real Story)


babyMarni Kotak wants to give birth in a Brooklyn art gallery as performance art.  If you only have time to catch the matinee, all you’ll see is her water break.
(The Real Story)


nbcNBC has fallen further behind competitors this fall.  NBC has been stuck in 4th place since “Friends” left the air in 2004.  Even the peacock cut a deal and left for Animal Planet.
(The Real Story)


Spin DoctorsWhile Madonna lives in her newly renovated $32 million NYC townhouse with homes in LA and London, her brother lives under a bridge in MI.  On the bright side, he has the lead singer of The Spin Doctors there to keep him company.
(The Real Story)


Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

©2011, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com
    @mikestiles

Tagged with:
Oct 06

The Blog Monologue

 

Chris ChristieNJ Governor Chris Christie is definitely not running for President.  Boy, if he won’t run, the rock where his family hunts must say something really bad!


 

The View3 US-born scientists won the Nobel Prize in physics for the universe is expanding outward at ever-increasing speeds, mostly to get as far away from “The View” as possible.


 

TSAAirport passengers who opt-in to PreCheck and give added info about themselves will gain access to a special security lane, where they may even be able to keep their shoes on.  There’s also a “Check Yourself” lane where they play sexy music and watch you pat yourself down.


 

Spock80-year-old Leonard Nimoy has attended his final “Star Trek” convention.  Once severe arthritis is hampering your ability to do the Vulcan nerve pinch, it’s time to hang up the tricorder.


 

Hugh HefnerNBC has cancelled “The Playboy Club” after only 3 airings.  We already know how it ends anyway, somebody goes to the hot tub at the Playboy mansion and gets a lung infection.


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

 

©2011, The Stiles Company, LLC

www.mikestiles.com    @mikestiles

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Aug 12

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

2 ancient animal bones from Ethiopia show signs of butchering by human ancestors, moving back the first use of stone tools about 800,000 years.  And only 1 week after that time period came the first evidence of infomercials.


Spacewalking astronauts used brute force to remove a broken coolant pump to restore normal operations at the Space Station.  It’s the same kind of brute force that was needed to remove Buzz Aldrin from “Dancing With the Stars.”


A judge is considering whether a Pittsburgh man can legally change his name to Boomer the Dog.  Gary Mathews is a huge fan of the 80’s show “Here’s Boomer.”  He fell in love with the wrong TV show.  It would have been much easier to get his name changed to “Alf.”


Famed British music producer Mike Stock says, ‘The music industry has gone too far.  These days 99% of the charts is R&B, and 99% of that is soft pornography.”  Which recent CD release made him think that, “Girl What I’m Gonna Do To You Is Illegal in 12 States,” or “What I’m Gonna Do To You Would Make Nature Nauseous”?


While visiting Epcot, a PA woman alleges Donald Duck grabbed her breast and molested her when she asked for an autograph.  After the groping, Donald made gestures “indicating he had done something wrong.”  Oh, I guess we’re not going to talk about what the Bill Clinton animatron at the Hall of Presidents did to her, huh?


Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

©2010, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

Tagged with:
Nov 13

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

2panel_Insert“Christmas in the Suburbs!”  Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

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hallebikiniOffices shared some of their most memorable suggestion box requests with Careerbuilder.com.  Among them: Beer in the vending machine.  Bikini Fridays.  Only require work during daylight because employee is scared of the dark.  Special smoking area for medical marijuana.  More time off to pursue side business as a clown
*You’re sure you want to institute Bikini Friday when there’s a risk Marge in accounting might take advantage of it?
*Beer in the break room wouldn’t be such an issue if people didn’t just stand there telling the vending machine all their problems.

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A study warns 9 states are barreling toward economic disaster like California.  That could mean higher taxes, accelerated layoffs of government employees, overcrowded classrooms and fewer services.  The states are AZ, FL, IL, MI, NV, NJ, OR, RI and WI.
*When we’re thinking about giving land back to the Native Americans, you know the economy’s wrecked.
*You’d think we could bring back Wisconsin by getting that free government cheese program going again.

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heavymetalPeru’s Requelme Abanto had 1.5 pounds of metal removed from his stomach, including nails, coins, rusted copper wire and scrap metal.  The 26-year-old construction worker ate metal for months and said now he may do it in public.  He’s getting a mental health exam.
*So when doctors tell patients they’re not getting enough iron, they should really take the time to make sure the patient fully understands what they mean.
*Well that explains why at restaurants he always asks for a toolbox instead of a doggie bag.

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A United Airlines pilot was arrested at Heathrow Airport on suspicion of being drunk right before he was about to fly from London to Chicago.  51-year-old Erwin Washington of Lakewood, Colorado was about to take the lives of 124 passengers and 11 crew in his hands.
*Passengers got suspicious when he got on the intercom for the preflight announcements, started crying and telling everyone how much he loved them.
*Washington was found sitting in a photo booth at the airport cursing because he couldn’t find the jet’s controls.

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osmondThe Mormon Church for the first time supported gay rights legislation, gaining unanimous approval for Salt Lake City laws banning discrimination against gays in housing and employment.  They’re still opposed to gay marriage.  In Utah, over 80% of lawmakers plus the governor are church members.
*It was at that moment that for the first time, Merrill and Jimmy Osmond saw each other in a whole new light.
*Apparently there’s a growing issue of finding straight males who want to sing in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

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Nov. 18 the California Energy Commission will vote on a proposal that would force retailers by 2011 to limit sales of TV sets to those that consume a third less power than they do today.  If passed, the best deals in home theater HDTVs will disappear from shelves.
*Couldn’t we save even more energy if we just turned it off when the 7 shows worth watching aren’t on?
*Okay, but if they’re pushing solar TV’s on us they’re really gonna have to work on that screen glare thing.

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celineCeline Dion isn’t pregnant after all.  Her doctor initially confirmed a pregnancy in August through in vitro fertilization.  When that got out, Celine confirmed it.  But a day later, she found out the embryo had not been implanted successfully.
*Celine had pigged out on a whole walnut that day, felt full and misinterpreted it as a pregnancy.
*Pretty disappointing considering it cost $85 per ticket to hear her announcement.

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Atlanta zookeepers and researchers got a western lowland gorilla named Ozzie to voluntarily get his blood pressure taken by a machine called the Gorilla Tough Cuff.  It’s the first time a gorilla has ever voluntarily had its blood pressure taken in any zoo.
*Prior to this, handlers had to trick gorillas into going to Rite-Aid and using the free blood pressure machines there.
*Ozzie is expected to ignore the doctor’s advice of cut back on the smoking and try to swing on more tires.

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beanA dating web site says Britons are among the ugliest people in the world.  Fewer than 1 in 8 British men and just 3 in 20 women who applied to BeautifulPeople.com were accepted.  Swedish men were most successful, with 65% being accepted, while Norwegian women are considered the most beautiful with 76% accepted.  Potential members apply with a photo, then existing members of the opposite sex vote on whether or not to admit them.
*Keep in mind, Briton is a country where Harry Potter is considered a “stud.”
*Those who are rejected get referred to Reallynicepersonality.com

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Millionaires down on their luck have a place to sell yachts, Ferraris and jewels.  BillionaireXchange says “we’re seeing people who need to trade out or trade down from some of their luxury items and facilitate that discreetly so they don’t have to deal with the embarrassment of downgrade.”  Members must have a minimum $2 million in verifiable net worth.
*And by “downgrade,” they mean the utter shame of having a high-end Mercedes.
*Prior to this, they had to set their Ferraris and jewels out with the stairmaster and “As Seen on TV” kitchen appliances in their regular yard sales.

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greennbcNBC dedicates next week to spreading environmental messages on 5 of its prime-time shows.  Al Gore has a cameo on “30 Rock.”  You’ll also get the global warming routine on “Biggest Loser,” “The Office,” “Heroes” and “Community.”  Even hosts on NBC-owned Weather Channel will tell viewers to turn down their thermostats.
*In fact, the only green NBC won’t see during the week are profits, as usual.
*No one is questioning NBC’s commitment to the environment, especially the way they’re recycling Jay Leno.

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TLC lawyers are watching lots of TV these days, keeping tabs on Jon Gosselin’s appearances so they can run a tab on how much money he’s making.  TLC goes to court next month asking for an order prohibiting Jon from doing appearances without TLC’s prior approval.
*Among noted appearances, Jon’s guest slot on Sesame Street where he and the Count counted how many kids he’s exploited.
*Jon was telling everyone about what life with Kate was like.  It’s the only time anyone’s heard Oscar the Grouch say “Please…keep that woman away from me!”

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

Tagged with:
Nov 04

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

2panel_InsertCheck out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

________________________________________________________________________

lenoLeno shrugged off his low ratings, saying NBC is making money with his switch to the earlier time slot.  He said the 10:00 hour is “difficult but interesting.”  Asked if he regretted leaving the 11:30 p.m. time, Leno said: “Yeah sure.  I would have preferred that.”
*Just because he’s furiously writing the screenplay to “Madlibs – The Motion Picture” doesn’t mean he expects to get cancelled.
*What’s worse, now that the clocks have been set back an hour, he’s really on at 9:00.

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Only a small percentage of non-profits plan to increase hiring in the next 6 months and half anticipate reducing employee bonuses.
*They will be available to help ease the transition from being someone who works at the non-profit to being one of the unfortunates it serves.

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lionkingIn 1898, 2 lions ate a reported 35 people in 9 months in east Africa.  Now it’s thought they might have eaten 135.  They were feasting on workers building a railroad across Kenya.  Scientists hope to get the truth by studying the remains of the lions, now on display at a museum in Chicago.
*It’s just like chips.  If you keep eating people long after you’re not hungry anymore, you’re just eating cause you’re bored.
*You probably missed that particular scene in “The Lion King.”
*When the scientists are done, they’ll move on to trying to figure out what’s wrong with the Detroit Lions.

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Apple is reportedly shopping for TV networks to join it in offering a monthly subscription service via iTunes.  If successful, it could rival what you get on cable.  The networks used to be worried about threatening revenue they get from cable providers like Comcast, but their attitudes are changing.
*Unfortunately, since Apple has to stick with its branding strategy, the only show they can put on is “iCarly.”
*Need a new way to get an ungodly amount of commercials forced on you?  There’s an app for that.

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duiA Wisconsin woman called 911 to turn herself in for drunk driving.  She said, “I don’t want to hurt anybody.  I’m drunk.”  The 49-year-old’s call led to charges of misdemeanor drunken driving with a blood-alcohol level double the legal limit.
*She’s a very aware drinker.  Earlier she told a guy at the bar, “I’m trashed and will probably wind up sleeping with you tonight.”
*Once at the police station, she told the desk sergeant, “I’m so drunk I almost told you guys about the body in the trunk of my car.”

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Major League Baseball isn’t happy with the long meetings on the mound called by the Yankees.  It happened 8 times in one inning Sunday night, almost bringing the game to a standstill.  The MLB VP of umpiring said frequent mound meetings will be discussed this offseason.
*They do know you don’t have to follow Roberts Rules of Order in baseball mound meetings don’t they?
*Maybe they were trying to decide on a strategy for Afghanistan.

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schoolhouseElementary school teacher Rokaya Mohamed would rather die than take off her face veil.  Egypt’s state-run religious establishment wants teachers to remove the veils in front of female students, sparking a backlash by Islamists who say women should be able to wear it if they want, in line with their Islamic faith.
*Rokaya says the veil is a key expression of her faith, plus it keeps those little brats from giving her swine flu.
*They’re trying to compromise with her and at least get her to expose her nose for show and tell.

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The world’s largest cruise ship cleared a key obstacle, lowering its smokestacks to squeeze under a bridge in Denmark.  Royal Caribbean’s Oasis of the Seas is 20 stories high, 5 times bigger than the Titanic, cost $1.5 billion, has 7 neighborhoods, an ice rink, a small golf course and a 750-seat outdoor amphitheater.  It’s on the way to Florida.
*How do they get it to lower its smokestack, make it think about baseball?
*Seniors find the football-field length shuffleboard game both exhausting and challenging.
*Finally, a cruise ship that’s big enough so that you’ll basically feel like you’re standing somewhere in Manhattan.

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beefeaterThe first woman to join the all-male ranks of the Tower of London’s warders, known as “Beefeaters,” says she was bullied.  2 male warders have been suspended and a third is under investigation for suspected harassment.  The warders guide visitors around the attraction, which houses the Crown Jewels.  They’re called Beefeaters because of the extra rations of meat they got in medieval times.
*After medieval times, all efforts to get their name changed to “Slim Jims” failed to pass.
*Have you seen the costumes they have to wear?  It’s not like there’s a ton of masculinity there to protect.

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Carrie Underwood can’t stand the term “Pop-country.”  But regardless, on her new CD she’s working with people known for producing hits for the likes of Britney Spears, Kelly Clarkson, Katy Perry, and Eminem.
*The song Katy Perry’s producer did for her was called “I Kissed Patsy Cline and I Liked It.”
*In a related story, Taylor Hicks says he does not like the term “Pop-notselling.”

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ringpopA Halloween trick or treater in Ohio may have gotten a bigger treat than expected, a diamond ring.  A woman thinks she lost her wedding ring while tossing candy into bags on Halloween.  She’s asking people to keep an eye out for it and to return it if they find it.
*The kid who got it found declared it the “worst ring pop I ever tasted.”
*And to think the kids went out hoping he wouldn’t get any carats from anybody.
*I’d say start with the kid who was dressed as a South African miner.

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A company behind plans to open the first hotel in space says it’s on target to accept its first paying guests in 2012.  The Galactic Suite Space Resort will cost $4.4 million for a 3-night stay, which includes an 8-week training course on a tropical island.  Critics say the time frame is unreasonable and ask where is the money coming from to finance it?
*The pistachios-in-a-tube in the honor bar are an especially touch.
*Organizers say they can’t wait to see Erin Andrews nude in it.

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chickennuggetEyebrows are starting to go up about Obama’s physical appearance.  The White House says rigorous workouts and high-stress basketball games are behind a dramatic weight loss.  They deny he’s been chain smoking.
*The main problem is, the smaller his face gets the more his ears stick out.
*It is a little embarrassing when guests are served one grilled chicken nugget and a lemon wedge at state dinners.

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Barrie Osborne, part of the team behind the Matrix and Lord of the Rings films, is doing a movie about Muhammad to educate people about the true meaning of Islam.  In accordance with Islamic law, the prophet will not actually be depicted on screen.
*So I take it the same guys that wrote the screenplay to “Couples Retreat” won’t be handling this one?
*One thing about an Islamic film, you don’t want it to bomb.

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ryanseacrestThe LA County District Attorney’s office has charged Chidi Uzomah with stalking Ryan Seacrest.  The 25-year-old was arrested at the E! building where Ryan does shows.  The scary part is he’s in the Army Reserves, was trained as a front line soldier and assigned to Special Forces.
*Chidi’s plan was to take Ryan out the next time he made him wait until after commercials to find out which American Idol got voted off.
*Chidi was able to get into the E! building cleverly camouflaged as Chelsea Handler.

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

Tagged with:
Oct 28

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

2panel_InsertCheck out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

________________________________________________________________________

blackjackTaco Bell will hand out free Black Jack tacos in honor of Halloween and the World Series Oct. 31, from 6 pm to midnight.  The value menu item is filled with seasoned beef, lettuce, shredded cheese and pepper jack sauce.
*Meanwhile, crime-ridden Detroit will be handing out real blackjacks.
*At first, Taco Bell was going to honor the World Series by handing out burritos that folded up like the Angels did.

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Castro’s sister collaborated with the CIA after Kennedy’s failed Bay of Pigs invasion of Cuba in 1961.  Juanita Castro supported Fidel’s revolution at first, but grew disillusioned.  The wife of Brazil’s ambassador talked her into meeting a CIA officer.  She gave them info but wouldn’t take any money.
*She cooperated believing JFK’s line that he would dump Marilyn and setting up a secret love villa with her in Havana.
*No woman can be expected to support a revolution where all you get to wear is olive drab.

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mcflurryIceland’s 3 McDonald’s will close next weekend, a victim of falling profits caused by the collapse of the Icelandic currency.  Costs doubled and they couldn’t raise prices.  A Big Mac in Reykjavik already retails for $5.29.
*Plus, McFlurries really aren’t that in demand where the average temperature is 17.
*Plus there was the problem of countless children with their tongues stuck to the outdoor Playlands.
*You know a country’s in trouble when the prize in all the Happy Meals is a job application.

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A report says the healthcare system is as wasteful as Obama says it is, and some reforms could be paid for just by fixing inefficiencies, preventing mistakes and fighting fraud.  The system wastes up to $850 billion a year.  The biggest waster is unnecessary care to provide cover against malpractice suits.  That blows $300 billion a year.
*Ha!  And you thought making “Where the Wild Things Are” was the biggest waste of money ever.
*I know they’re trying to save money, but I’d sure like to know for certain they’re changing the paper you sit on in between appointments.

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matthewJon Gosselin says he returned $180,000 to a joint account he shares with Kate as the couple continues their divorce battle.  He criticized her for not showing up for a court hearing and says she still hasn’t explained how she spent $33,000 in joint funds.
*Matthew McConaughey immediately set up a joint account as well, not realizing it does not mean an account where you save up for joints.
*I think what bothers me the most about this story is that Jon Gosselin has $180,000.

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One of 6 Harvard Med School researchers who got sick after drinking coffee laced with a toxic chemical says he doesn’t see how it could have been an accident.  He immediately noticed a “weird” taste, then felt dizzy and got a rapid heartbeat.
*Isn’t getting a faster heartbeat one of the reasons you drink coffee?
*So the best part of waking up is not toxins in your cup?

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speedyTough-talking former Marine Larry Whitten wanted to turn around a failing hotel in New Mexico, so he forbade Hispanic workers from speaking Spanish in his presence and ordered some to change their names to something more English.  His method worked great at other hotels.  But now he’s a national political correctness target.
*The workers said they’d stop speaking Spanish but the Marine could no longer say “semper fi” because that’s Latin.

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A study says we’re still evolving, despite the view it stopped affecting us because we don’t struggle for the species to survive anymore.  Stout, slightly plump women tend to have more kids, so these traits are being passed from mothers to daughters.  By 2409, the average woman will be 0.8 in shorter, 2.2 lb. heavier, have her first kid 5 months earlier and enter menopause 10 months later.
*Which is rough because when you combine menopause with how hot global warming will have made things by 2409, it’s gonna be tough being around the house with her.
*I don’t think anyone could watch a single episode of “Real Housewives of Atlanta” and say with any confidence we’re evolving.

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3DThe success of 3-D movies in theaters means 3-D TVs could soon be in our homes.  Sony and Panasonic plan to introduce 3-D high-def TVs for the mass market.  You’ll still need to wear those special glasses, though.  3-D showings typically bring in over double the revenue of regular screenings when a movie is offered both ways.
*For crying out loud, you just spent thousands of dollars so you could have a flat panel, now you want things to stick out of it?
*They’re not going to rest until Donny Osmond is ballroom dancing right on my coffee table are they?

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The 22-year-old ESPN production assistant whose affair with baseball analyst Steve Phillips led to his firing also got fired.  ESPN says the ability of the former Mets GM to represent them had been “significantly and irreparably damaged.”  His wife filed for divorce.  In ‘98, he admitted having sex with a Mets employee who sued for sexual harassment.  They fired him in 2003.
*Phillips was caught when he came out of his office pantsless for his “7th inning stretch.”
*He’s also reportedly the first baseball GM to take steroids to “better his performance.”

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paulhaggis“Crash” director Paul Haggis has quit the Church of Scientology, partly because of their stand against gay marriage.  He’d been with the “church” for 35 years.
*Church leaders say they accept people from every walk of life, and they have a closet large enough for everyone to stay in.

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The plunge in newspaper circulation is accelerating as people cancel subscriptions and publishers cut distribution.  Average weekday circulation fell 10.6%.  Only one US paper increased circulation among the top 25…The Wall Street Journal.
*Seriously, I’d have though the Family Circus comic strip alone could keep newspapers in business.  When Billy goes all over the backyard with a dashed line behind him, that’s comedy gold.
*Sometimes, just for old time’s sake, I’ll call my neighborhood paper carrier and complain to him that my computer is wet.

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geckoA man was arrested in Norway smuggling 2 dozen snakes and geckos into the country.  He had 14 royal pythons hidden in stockings duct-taped to his stomach.  The 10 geckos were in boxes taped to his thighs.  He was searched because they found a tarantula in one of his bags.
*If you really want to fill your pants with snakes and get through without unsightly lines and bumps, you should probably wear Spanx.
*Fellow passengers who saw the man’s stomach squirming around said they thought it was the worst case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome they’d ever seen.

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Iowa City police are investigating an assault at a restaurant in which a man accused another of being a zombie, then punched him twice.  The victim was ordering when he was approached by another man who called him a zombie, then hit him in the eye.  When the victim tried to call police on his cell, the man hit him again, breaking his nose before running out a back door.
*The victim said his nose broke easily because his flesh has been decaying rapidly for some reason.
*That’s odd.  Normally it’s the people behind the counter at restaurants you think must be zombies.

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newmanThe driver of a mail truck in North Dakota was arrested for drunk driving after he was found speeding.
*Officers assumed any postal worker who was trying to get the mail delivered accurately and quickly had to be wasted.

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Obama’s only been in office just over 9 months, but he’s already gone golfing as much as Bush did in over 2 years.  He’s played 24 times, most recently with a woman, chief domestic policy adviser Melody Barnes.
*Actually it’s just been one, long continuous golf game.  Obama has as much trouble choosing which club to use as he does deciding on an Afghanistan strategy.

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leno6 weeks after Leno moved to primetime, NBC’s wait-and-see approach to his sinking ratings is testing the patience of affiliates.  The bad ratings are having a ripple effect on local newscasts.  NBC says Leno is a long-term strategy that will play out over 52 weeks.  But plan B is to give the 10pm hour back to the affiliates.
*So?  Stick a flashlight in his hand, call it “CSI: Burbank” and you’ll have ratings.  What’s the problem?

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