May 16

cameraTurns out Kodak had a small nuclear research reactor in an underground facility.  Remember the old Kodak cameras?  A little smoke cloud would form a mushroom after the incredibly bright flash went off.
(The Real Story) 


 

janitor52-year-old Yugoslavian refugee Gac Filipaj was a janitor for 12 years at Columbia University so he could take free classes.  And now he’s graduated.  What he doesn’t know is janitors are more in demand and make more money than college grads.
(The Real Story)  


 

Pepto bismolA museum in Australia is featuring the “poo-machine.”  It mimics the human digestive system.  It’s fed twice a day and poops promptly at 2pm.  And what’s worse, because it has to perform all the time, it has a nervous stomach.
(The Real Story)  


 

Chitty Chitty Bang BangA 40-year-old CA man drove his Lexus through a cinder block wall and into a family’s backyard swimming pool.  Okay, there’s one guy who should never drink while he watches “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.”
(The Real Story)  


 

Tanning momTanning Mom dropped the hint she’d like to appear in Playboy, but Playboy is saying no thanks.  She did, however, book a role as an alligator on History Channel’s “Swamp People.”
(The Real Story)  


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

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Mar 31

magazinesTime magazine released the ballot for its annual Time 100 issue, asking readers to vote for those they think are the most influential.  You know what’s not influential anymore?  Magazines.
(The Real Story) 


 

tigerA South African conservationist and filmmaker is in ICU after being attacked by a tiger.  Making sure tigers have plenty to eat by feeding yourself to them is a terrible way to be a conservationist.
(The Real Story)  


 

Newt GingrichA study shows educated conservatives have grown dramatically skeptical of science over the past 4 decades.  Not only that, based on the fact he won’t pull out of the race, Newt Gingrich doesn’t believe in math either.
(The Real Story) 


 

Robert PattinsonBecause of the mild winter this year, ticks will be a big problem.  They feed off your blood for days.  Oh sure, when Robert Pattinson does it he’s a heartthrob.  Let a tick do it and it’s an icky health crisis.
(The Real Story)  


 

Will FerrellWill Ferrell announced there will be a sequel to “Anchorman.”  Cited as reasons for the sequel; “Land of the Lost,” “Megamind,” “Step Brothers,” and “Semi-Pro.”
(The Real Story)  


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

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Mar 16

Bridget JonesObama and British Prime Minister David Cameron agreed on the plan to withdraw forces from Afghanistan by 2014 and keep pressure on Iran over its nuclear program.  They also agreed there shouldn’t be any more Bridget Jones movies.
(The Real Story) 


 

Home ImprovementPrince Harry says sometimes he and Prince William wish they were just normal instead of royals.  If he wants to be completely ignored, maybe he should disguise himself as one of the child actors from “Home Improvement.”
(The Real Story) 


 

mammothSouth Korean and Russian scientists are planning to bring the woolly mammoth back to life using an elephant egg.  What you’re left with is a mammal that’s terrified of mice but can at least stab them through the heart with their tusks.
(The Real Story)  


 

cowDairy cows everywhere are mourning the loss of “Jocko,” the world’s 3rd most-potent breeding bull.  He left behind as many as 400,000 kids after a 17-year career.  Jocko’s favorite move was “the milkshake.”
(The Real Story)  


 

Mary Todd LincolnBobblehead dolls of Abe Lincoln assassin John Wilkes Booth have been pulled from the Gettysburg visitor’s center bookstore as being inappropriate.  Guess the Mary Todd Lincoln “Wacky Taffy” isn’t going over well either, huh?
(The Real Story)  


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

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Mar 09

Lindsay LohanScreenwriter Greg Tung set out to conquer every one of his fears in 365 days.  He documented all of it on scareyourselfeveryday.com.  Did he ride shotgun with Lindsay Lohan?
(The Real Story) 


 

Chuck E. CheeseParents of a MD 3-year-old forgot their daughter at Chuck E Cheese and didn’t realize she was gone until they saw her on the news.  They share custody and both assumed she went home with the other.  There was even a 25-token reward for anyone able to find her parents.
(The Real Story)  


 

SimCityElectronic Arts is breaking ground on a new “SimCity.”  The last one was in 2003.  It’s fun, but not nearly as intense as “SimCity: Doomsday Prepper Edition.”
(The Real Story)  


 

mantyhoseEmilio Cavallini’s sales of unisex pantyhose are strong, as men are now wearing tights for style as much as warmth.  They’re being called mantyhose, brosiery, and guylons.  Men may have pantyhose now, but it will be awhile before they get as good at putting them on while driving as women are.
(The Real Story)  


 

Andre the GiantHulk Hogan says the sex tape of him being shopped to porn companies was “secretly filmed” without his permission.  Hulk is with a mystery brunette in it.  It’s especially embarrassing because if he wasn’t dead, many would swear that brunette was Andre the Giant.
(The Real Story)  


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

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Feb 08

drag queenGoldman Sachs’ Lloyd Blankfein became the first major CEO to support same-sex marriage.  Probably not coincidentally, “Sachs Goldman” is his drag queen name.
(The Real Story) 


 

Malcolm XA Brown college student found a previously lost audiotape of Malcolm X’s 1961 address there.  He argued black Americans couldn’t wait for white Americans to offer them equality.  What he did not do was break into an Al Green song.
(The Real Story)  


 

Dairy Queen“Dr. Oz” has over 1 million participating in his “transformation nation” effort.  There are 7 steps, including: get moral support, join Weight Watchers, and learn your family health history.  Which step is “Go to Dairy Queen to celebrate”?
(The Real Story)  


 

Baseball playerNaked and Famous Denim is now selling a line of “scratch-n-sniff” men’s jeans that will smell like raspberry candy when scratched.  They should get baseball players to endorse them.  Nobody scratches their pants more than them.
(The Real Story)  


 

Michael JacksonA 9-year-old MN boy was suspended for grabbing his crotch during a rendition of Michael Jackson’s “Billie Jean” at a school lip-sync fundraiser.  Actually, grabbing the crotch of a 9-year-old boy is a dead-on accurate impression of Michael Jackson.
(The Real Story)  


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

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Aug 26

The Blog Monologue

 

teethA high-tech fluid is being developed that could help your teeth repair themselves before there’s a problem, acting as a calcium magnet.  The research arose out of scientists’ ongoing attempts to develop a chick magnet.


 

sheepAmidst a state funding crisis, a middle school assistant principal in PA donated 7 of his sheep to cut the school’s grass.  Only problem is it’s the janitor’s job to count them every day and he keeps falling asleep.


 

thiefGreenwich, CT officials says the filming of the ABC show “What Would You Do?” is disruptive, so they asked the film crew to go someplace else.  Boy they’re uptight.  Detroit had no problem with the show “What Would You Steal?”


 

Tracy MorganAfter several weeks in a tryout role, the Rev. Al Sharpton has officially been named host of a weeknight hour on MSNBC.  What could they do?  It was down to between him and Tracy Morgan.


 

Old ManThe NYPD is looking for a violent robber who is targeting elderly men as they enter the subway system or elevators in Manhattan.  He convinces the men he’s doing them a favor by getting ready for the day social security gets taken away from them.


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

 

©2011, The Stiles Company, LLC

www.mikestiles.com    @mikestiles

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Aug 13

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

Boston’s Ron Sveden had a mass in his left lung.  It wasn’t cancer.  He had a pea sprouting inside his chest.  And here I thought there could never be a crossover between “Grey’s Anatomy” and “Veggie Tales.”


MSNBC’s Mika Brzezinski, co-host of “Morning Joe,” asked her 20,000-plus Twitter followers, “Can anyone help my daughter meet Justin Bieber?”  Turns out 12-year-old Carlie hijacked her account.  I certainly hope that’s also the explanation for Diane Sawyer’s desperate Tweets to have ice cream with Taylor Lautner.


Cincinnati Reds pitcher Johnny Cueto was suspended 7 games for a brawl with the St. Louis Cardinals.  Both managers were suspended for 2 games.  4 other players were fined.  Naturally, Pete Rose was in the stands betting on the fight.


The Obamas are headed to the Panhandle this weekend to tout it for the tourist industry and to show how clean the beaches are.  Isn’t kind of racist to hope for white beaches?


TMZ reported Tim Tebow had a hyperbaric oxygen chamber delivered to his hotel room at the Broncos’ training camp and he’s been using one for over 2 years.  Has anyone bothered to ask him if he’s also interested in purchasing the Elephant Man’s bones?


Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

©2010, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

Tagged with:
Nov 06

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

2panel_InsertCheck out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

________________________________________________________________________

aflacAflac, sponsor of Carl Edwards and the No. 99 Ford Fusion, will team with ScottsMiracle-Gro to give the company primary sponsorship for 6 Sprint Cup races in the 2010 season.
*Being a racecar driver is cool, but putting a horn in Edwards’ car that sounds like the Aflac duck kinda takes the macho out of it for him.
*Still, I think it’s poor sportsmanship that the Miracle-Gro logo on the back of the car says “Grow Pansies Bigger than Jeff Gordon.”

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The Dept. of Agriculture said pigs in a commercial herd in Indiana tested positive for swine flu, the first time it’s been found in such hogs.  They have a swine surveillance program.  Officials still say pigs with swine flu don’t pose a threat to consumers of pork products.
*Seems like it’d be easy to get the flu mist up their noses since they have such big snouts.
*Being a swine surveillance expert sucks.  You have to hide in a bucket of slop.

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gumpTom Hanks produced a 4-D film, “Beyond All Boundaries,” for the WWII Museum in New Orleans.  Audiences can feel the rumbling of tanks and booms of anti-aircraft fire.  Hanks said, “There’s actual things that pop up, elements that come into it that put you in the environment.”
*And while there might have been sticky soda on the floor in WWII, that’s just the theater, it’s not meant to be part of the tribute.
*Only sad thing at the premiere was when the anti-aircraft fire started going off, Hanks ran all over the theater looking to save his friend Bubba.

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In honor of the movie “2012,” Live Science listed other doomsday predictions that didn’t pan out.
goldegg-In Leeds in 1806, a hen began laying eggs on which “Christ is coming” was written.  It was a hoax.
*Sadly, this later led to people not believing it when they started seeing “grade A” on eggs.

-A New England farmer concluded based on scripture God would end the world April 23, 1843.  Followers sold or gave away their possession, then disbanded when nothing happened.
*This was particular difficult and tragic because it was long before Craigslist.
coke-In 1891, Joseph Smith, founder of the Mormon Church, said God told him Jesus would return within the next 56 years.
*And when he did, they’d all finally be allowed to drink caffeine!

-In 1881, an astronomer realized Earth would pass through the tail of Halley’s comet in 1910, bathing us in deadly toxic gas.  There was widespread panic.
*In later years, others warned about the dangers of passing through Anna Nicole Smith’s tail.
heavensgate-When comet Hale-Bopp appeared in ‘97, rumors surfaced an alien spacecraft was following it.  Rumors on a radio show inspired a San Diego UFO cult to decide the world would end soon, so 39 of them killed themselves.
*Plus the group had grown despondent after years of never winning any of the contests on the radio station.
-One of Nostradamus’ most famous quatrains read, “The year 1999, seventh month / From the sky will come great king of terror.”
*Turns out he was just predicting one of Prince’s most successful albums.
y2k-In the Y2K scare, no one was sure if computers would think it was 2000 or 1900, so everything from blackouts to nuclear holocaust was expected.  Gun sales jumped and people prepared to live in bunkers.
*Those people that moved into bunkers are actually the only ones who didn’t get wiped out in this real estate bust.

-Richard Noone wrote in a 1997 book the Antarctic ice mass would be 3 miles thick by May 5, 2000, a date in which the planets would be aligned, resulting in a global icy death.
*He also wrote, “Mrs. Brown you have a lovely daughter.”  Oh wait, that was Peter Noone of Herman’s Hermits.

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sarahpalinOn her book tour, Sarah Palin is avoiding places like Seattle, San Francisco, Philadelphia, LA and other major cities where voters tend to be democrats.  Locations include Grand Rapids, Cincinnati, Columbus, Roanoke, the Army post at Fort Bragg, NC, Orlando, and Albuquerque.
*She gets a little nervous whenever she’s anywhere that she can’t see Russia from.
*She’s doing it because friendly crowds just treat her better, and they don’t make fun of the fact she’s wearing fishing waders in a bookstore.

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Microsoft is cutting 800 more jobs.  That’s in addition to the 5,000 layoffs announced in January.  They won’t say what specific product groups or job types are affected.
*Of course, laid off employees there get blue screens instead of pink slips.

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squirrelatlakeAirlines are cutting money-losing flights.  That can spell trouble for you if you bought your ticket months in advance.  Most will offer a refund if they put you on a new flight that arrives over 90 minutes earlier or later than you planned.  Experts say if they send you an e-mail with a new itinerary, check it closely.
*If it comes with a picture of a squirrel Photoshopped into the cockpit, it might not be genuine.
*Passengers are just happy they’re waiting for flights to land before cutting them.
*We are just 3 months away from passenger airlines being paid by Monsanto to dust crops on their way into and out of airports.

________________________________________________________________________

“Hell’s Kitchen’s” Gordon Ramsay signed a deal with Fox for a second show.  “Masterchef” will feature Ramsay trying to turn people who have no experience in the food industry into expert cooks.
*It’s kinda like trying to turn Reuben Studdard into a major music star.
*They had to change the name when they found out there’s already a show on Showtime After Dark called “Masterbaker.”

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drsmith72-year-old LA doctor Levon Tebelekian is accused of giving medical clearance to immigrants applying for visas by allegedly falsifying the results of medical exams and lab tests.  In one case, he allegedly told an undercover agent he wasn’t going to “disturb his blood” and he “didn’t look like he had AIDS.”
*Could he have at least taught them to always cough into the bend of their elbows?
*Officials are pretty sure the exams were fake because as many as 47 male construction workers got time off to have babies.

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27-year-old Aaron Siebers, a Blockbuster employee in Denver, was skateboarding when he ripped his uniform pants.  So instead of calling in sick, he stabbed himself in the leg and showed up at work claiming to have been attacked by 3 Hispanic males.  He finally admitted to cops he was lying.
*He also got stuck, claiming his attackers tried to shove him through the DVD return slot.
*So somebody tell Elton John to stop with the lies about flu and e-coli and get his faking self back on that stage.

________________________________________________________________________

dallascheerleaderDallas Cowboys Cheerleader Whitney Isleib went politically incorrect on Halloween, dressing up in blackface as rapper Lil’ Wayne.  Photos were all over the net.  No one from the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders or the team has officially commented yet.
*No one was more surprised at the controversy than Whitney, who thought she was dressed up as Kanye West.
*Jesse Jackson has firmly asked that all of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders be sent to his house to apologize and for a weekend-long sensitivity training session.

________________________________________________________________________

For the first time in over 2 years, CNN fell out of the top 30 cable channels last week in prime time.  Fox News ranked 3rd, behind USA and ESPN, while MSNBC was 26th.  Their election coverage came in 4th among the news channels.
*When Animal Planet is getting higher election coverage ratings than you are, you’ve got serious problems.
*Newscasts will now be anchored by Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends while wrestlers pummel each other in the background.
*”We now go to our foreign correspondent…Dora the Explorer.”

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funeralA Brazilian bricklayer thought killed in a car crash shocked his mourning family by showing up alive at his funeral.  Relatives had identified the body…wrongly.  He’d spent the night at a truck stop drinking a sugarcane liquor with friends and didn’t hear about his own funeral until it was already happening.
*If no one can tell you apart from a mangled crash victim, it’s pretty much time to start auditioning for cable makeover shows.
*There’s nothing like sugarcane liquor to help you forget that you’re dead.

________________________________________________________________________

If Michael Jackson was innocent of those things he was accused of, how could that young boy accurately describe his genitals in court?  Finally an explanation.  One of his doctors, Dr. Kelin, says Michael liked to pee for an audience.  Thought it was hysterical.  Klein says there were numerous times when Jackson would pee around groups of people, including children.
*Maybe that’s why he kept grabbing it, he had to go constantly.
*In fact, the followup album to “Thriller” was going to be called “Whizzer.”

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

Tagged with:
Oct 30

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

2panel_InsertCheck out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

________________________________________________________________________

dishwasherObama said the government set aside $3.4 billion in Smart Grid Investment Grants.  They’re going to build a system so your utility can monitor your appliances from afar, and tell them to operate using less power during peak times.  You’ll be “encouraged” to install the meters that will allow that.
*Well, I was hoping for smart kid investment grants, but seizing control of my dishwasher is worthwhile too I suppose.
*If they can control your appliances, all I’ve got to say is Rush Limbaugh better keep his toaster as far away from his bathtub as possible.

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NASA tried to launch its new rocket , but clouds and high wind made it a no-go.  The Ares I-X rocket is the first step in NASA’s tentative back-to-the-moon program.  Plus, a cargo ship strayed into an ocean danger zone under the flight path.  The experimental flight will last just 2 minutes and carries no payload.
*If we don’t have a rocket yet that can bust through a cloud, should we really be talking about going back to the moon at all?
*The launch was also delayed because a rapper also named Ares I-X issued a trademark infringement suit.

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sarahpalinSarah Palin says she got at least $1.25 million for her upcoming book “Going Rogue.”  And that’s just a retainer.  The book shot to No. 1 on Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.com and Sarah will be on “Oprah” the day before the book’s release.
*Even Elton John’s upcoming book, “Going Rouge” didn’t get that kind of advance.
*The book is kind of a rip-off seeing as how 4 chapters of it are all ice-fishing tips.

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SC lawmakers won’t consider impeaching Gov. Mark Sanford yet.  They have an abbreviated session and it’s specifically to deal with unemployment benefits.  Some want Sanford to lose his job for skipping the state for 5 days to rendezvous with his Argentine lover.
*Plus they wants to give him time to see if he can score with women from even more countries.
*Many legislators said, “you know who has great unemployment benefits we should go study?  Argentina!”

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medicalrecordsNY’s Attorney General says you’ll soon be able to find impartial info about out-of-network health care costs on a new web site.  The site will also give you info on how much you’re likely to be reimbursed by your insurance company for using doctors outside their network.
*On the site, you’ll even be able to play medical themed video games like “Skull Halo 3,” “Mario Crashkart,” and “Resident Polyp.”
*You know who’ll soon be out-of-network is Jay Leno.

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Kansas City Chiefs running back Larry Johnson was told to stay away from the team while the NFL investigates his use of a homosexual slur twice this week.  Johnson apologized but it’s not enough for a gay rights advocacy organization.  Johnson questioned coach Todd Haley’s football credentials on his Twitter account when he used the slur.  Then he used it again when he told reporters he wouldn’t comment.
*The way things are going, if you call one of Santa’s 8 reindeer “Prancer” you’ll get sent off to a special reorientation camp.
*I don’t know what that Japanese line judge heard, but Johnson was calling for a yellow flag.  Flag!

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TalibanThe defense bill Obama signs into law Wednesday contains a provision that would pay Taliban fighters who renounce the insurgency.  It’s similar to one in Iraq.  Reaching out to moderate Taliban is a part of the Obama’s strategy.
*Plus, if that Taliban finds 4 Taliban to join him, then each of them finds 4 Taliban, they’d get residual checks every month!
*It’s kind of like going swimming in a river of moderate piranha.

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Microsoft is pulling out as sponsor of a “Family Guy” variety show, just 2 weeks after announcing its sole sponsorship of “Family Guy Presents: Seth & Alex’s Almost Live Comedy Show.”  The special includes riffs on deaf people, the Holocaust, feminine hygiene and incest.  Fox will air the show with a new, as-yet-undisclosed sponsor.
*And we can probably safely assume it’s not the Society for the Hearing Impaired Jewish Women of West Virginia.

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vanillaiceA photographer and an architect plan to freeze one of Detroit’s thousands of abandoned homes this winter, encasing it in ice to draw attention to foreclosures.  In the spring, crews will salvage what building materials can be reused and demolish it.  The lot will be donated, probably for a community garden.
*Great, as if house hunting wasn’t hard enough as it is, now you have to choose between cubed and crushed.
*On the bright side, it’s hard to get evicted if your tongue is stuck to the door frame.

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2 Chicago men who were schoolmates in Pakistan plotted terrorist attacks against a Danish newspaper that triggered widespread protests by printing cartoons depicting the Prophet Muhammad.  Any depiction of the prophet, even a favorable one, is frowned on by Islamic law.
*The plot fell apart when they got to the newspaper office and found out everyone had been laid off because newspapers are becoming extinct.
*The men failed to carry out the plot when they decided a Danish sounded pretty good, so they went to a bakery instead.

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UGAAn Athens, GA woman scared off a would-be burglar by acting like a dog.  She got on the floor and began scratching at the door and pretending to be a large dog when the man tried turning the woman’s door knob.  The man, who appeared to be homeless, quickly ran from the porch.
*Police were so impressed with what she’d done they threw her a treat and scratched her behind the ear.
*The woman’s story took a sad turn just one week later when a home invader broke in and smacked her over the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

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“Survivor” winner Richard Hatch says he’s the victim of a “witch hunt” by federal prosecutors.  He finished a tax evasion sentence earlier this month, then complained on the “Today” show he was taken from his sister’s apartment in boxers in August and put in solitary for 30 days.  Police say he actually refused to get dressed and was never in solitary.
*Once he knew the prosecutors were on a witch hunt, why didn’t he just show them the way to Kathy Griffin’s house?

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chimpA man who sneaked a bag of his feces into a San Diego courtroom during his home-invasion robbery trial, smeared it on his lawyer and threw it at jurors was sentenced to 31 years.  That’s for robbery, burglary and 2 assault charges for the poop-flinging.  He’d asked for a mistrial because he thought jurors saw him in restraints when he entered the courtroom.
*The defendant was acting as his own chimpanzee.
*When will defendants learn that making a motion isn’t the same thing as having a movement?

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A would-be bank robber in Poland held a teaspoon to the neck of a cashier pretending it was a knife.  The 2 women weren’t fooled and scared him away with their screaming.
*The robber was tremendously embarrassed and says that next time, he’s going to get really gangster on them and use a spork.
*That’s nothing, the very next week he tried robbing a store using the old “spoon stuck to the nose” trick as a disguise.
*I can never remember proper etiquette, does the spoon go on the right or left side of your victim’s neck?

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facebookFacebook said it will “memorialize” profiles of the dead if friends or family want.  They’ll remove any contact info and bar people from logging in.  The profile also won’t appear in the “suggestions” section, and only confirmed friends could find them in a search.
*Or perhaps maybe a psychic medium.
*Profiles will automatically be linked to the “Fans of Cremation” group.

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CNN will hit a new low with its prime-time shows in October, finishing fourth, which is dead last, among cable news networks.  Their shows were behind not only Fox News and MSNBC, but even their own HLN.  That demonstrated again the apparent preference for opinion shows in prime time.  The only CNN show that didn’t finish last was Larry King, which beat HLN’s Joy Behar.
*When Anderson Cooper starts wishing he was back hosting “The Mole” on ABC, things have gotten really bad.
*I think people tune in to Larry King every night just to see if he’s still alive.

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

Tagged with:
Oct 24

(Delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

2panel_InsertCheck out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

________________________________________________________________________

8ballThe White House rejected criticism from Dick Cheney Obama’s Afghanistan decision is taking too long.  The decision had been expected as early as mid-August.  Cheney accused Obama of “dithering.”
*The White House said they aren’t dithering, it’s just that their Magic 8-ball keeps coming up “ask me again later.”
*Considering how long the world had to hold its breath to find out what kind of dog they were getting, I’d say he’s doing pretty well on this one.

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Just 57% think there’s solid evidence of global warming, down 20 points in just 3 years.  The share of people who think rising temps are our fault has also taken a dip.  Claimed evidence of climate change includes melting ice caps and the oceans hitting the highest monthly recorded temps this summer.
*Maybe the entire Earth is just going through menopause.
*Experts say it will be easier to get more people on board the global warming bandwagon if they’re told how much faster their groceries would melt in the car before you could get them home.

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michaelwheelsProducer Kenny Ortega, responsible for Michael Jackson’s shows in London, says he also felt responsible for keeping him healthy.  He said, “We didn’t want to baby him.  But I had concerns.”  He doesn’t think rehearsing for the shows wore Michael down.
*He found out that apparently, “Jesus Juice” is neither organic nor filled with essential vitamins.
*And as if that weren’t enough, Ortega was also responsible for making sure none of the Jackson brothers found out where rehearsals were being held.

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A Minnesota man pleaded guilty to driving his motorized La-Z-Boy chair drunk.  62-year-old Dennis Anderson left a bar on his chair after 8 or 9 beers.  His blood alcohol was over 3 times the limit when he hit a parked car.
*Police had to actually come up with a new charge of DWR or Driving While Reclining.
*A drivable La-Z-Boy is completely impractical seeing as how the remote will only work so far from your TV.

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umpireMajor League Baseball is breaking tradition and sticking with only experienced umpires for the World Series.  The crew usually includes one first time ump.  But missed and bad calls in the playoffs is changing that.  Fans are calling for expanded use of instant replay.
*Oh yes, please, please introduce something that could make televised baseball games even slower and longer.
*You can always pick out the first time ump because they’ll often come out and yell something like, “Play Scrabble!”

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Microsoft launched Windows 7 yesterday, its most important release in over a decade, aiming to win back customers unimpressed by Vista.  Microsoft powers over 90% of personal computers.  $199.99 for the Home Premium version or $119.99 for an upgrade.
*As for Vista, you haven’t seen anything more incompatible with hardware since Edward Scissorhands.

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mchalesnavyA pair of Navy warships have reached speeds of up to 52mph during testing at sea.  Independence, built in Alabama, boasts a top speed as does Freedom, a ship built by a competing defense contractor.
*Sailors from the south are excited about the speed, but sorry there are no stop signs in the ocean to smash beer bottles against as you drive by.
*Of course as any Alabama boy knows, the trick is to use the draft behind another warship to eventually whip around him and head for the checkered flag.
*Initial proposals to name one of the ships “The General Lee” were voted down.

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As the nation battles obesity, ambulance crews are trying to improve how they transport extremely heavy patients.  Caring for them is expensive, requiring extra gear and workers, so some companies charge more for the overweight.
*Once a forklift has to be called in, it becomes a union job.
*If you call 911 and they forward your call to Sea World, you know you’ve put on a few pounds.

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airplane2 Northwest Airlines pilots didn’t make radio contact with ground controllers for over an hour and overflew their Minneapolis destination by 150 miles before discovering the mistake and turning around.
*Well, they can’t blame it on travel Bingo.  Very boring to play at 30,000 feet.
*Damned Mapquest is always wrong!

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MSNBC’s Contessa Brewer apologized for mixing up Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.  She introduced Jackson as Sharpton during a segment on homelessness.  Jackson just stared at the camera and said, “I’m Rev. Jesse Jackson.”  Brewer said, “We all know who you are, Rev. Jackson.  I’m so sorry.”
*Good thing that didn’t happen on Fox News or it would have constituted a hate crime.
*And that was after she introduced him as the Rev. Al Green.

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tomcableOakland Raiders coach Tom Cable won’t face charges over allegations he assaulted an assistant.  Randy Hanson said Cable came from behind him and knocked him out of a chair, breaking his jaw and cracking 2 teeth after hitting a table.  He also said Cable threatened to kill him before other coaches pulled him away.
*A quarterback like they’ve got, and it’s a coaching assistant he chose to beat up on?!
*Having the case thrown out was bad enough, but Hanson also had to watch Cable’s lawyers dump Gatorade on him in victory.

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Massachusetts cops are looking for 2 men suspected of robbing a woman of $27,000 after she flashed the cash in a bar.  The 22-year-old was bragging about getting the money from an insurance claim.
*Apparently it was a health insurance claim from when she was beaten after wearing a t-shirt that said “Al-Qaeda Rocks!” into the bar.
*The woman went to the bar to see if there happened to be any interest in “high stakes beer pong.”

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plasticbatAn Iowa woman was taking a bath with her 3-year-old when she noticed a cat who normally stays outside in the bathroom.  She went to a front room and saw a man standing over her 4-year-old son, who was sleeping in a recliner.  After he hit her in the head, she grabbed a toy plastic bat and beat him with it until he left.
*Hey, he’s just lucky she didn’t have her Nerf missile launcher.
*I’m not sure who’s more scarred for life, the beaten intruder or the kid who baths with his mother.

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A 50 year-old Russian coal miner with lung disease is selling his prized possession, a signed photo of Brigitte Bardot, to pay for an operation.  He fell in love with her after watching her 1956 debut film.  So he sent the 75-year-old a love letter and got back the photo.  He’s trying to sell it for $2,090, but experts say it’s worth maybe $45.
*Compassionate people who heard about his story have already donated a signed photo of all 4 of the Golden Girls.
*At least his balled up napkin once used by Raisa Gorbachev was enough to pay for his hospital gown.

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jrewingDallas stars Linda Gray and Larry Hagman confirm they’ve been approached to reprise their characters for a remake of “Dallas.”  The new show would focus on their TV son, John Ross.  Gray said she isn’t comfortable playing a supporting grandmother role.  Hagman just wanted to know about the money.
*And lovable “Schneider,” Pat Harrington, wants to know about the odds of a “One Day at a Time” reunion.
*Now instead of people asking “Who shot J.R.” they can ask “Who Blew Larry’s Residual Checks?”

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Comedian David Cross claims he snorted cocaine while seated just yards away from Obama at this year’s White House Correspondents’ Association dinner.  He says he has an ongoing competition with a friend to out-do each other in “dares and outrageousness.”
*Everyone noticed, but immediately declared it “medical cocaine,” making it okay.

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marsStarting in 2010, an international crew of 6 will simulate a 520-day round-trip to Mars.  They’ll actually be in a sealed facility in Moscow to investigate the psychological and medical aspects of a long space mission like that.  For the surface exploration, half of the crew will move to a martian simulation module.
*I’d pay good money if you put Jon & Kate plus Jon’s new girlfriend and Kate’s lawyer in there with a webcam.

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The Sheriff in the balloon boy saga, Jim Alderden, writes on his blog he was inundated with calls and emails from all sorts of “wing-nuts,” one of whom just wanted to criticize his American flag shirt.  One guy claimed he had proof Hillary Clinton was an alien.
*No way.  If she were an alien Bill would be far more turned on by her.
*Another sent a picture of himself dressed as Dorothy floating away in the Wizard of Oz’s balloon with a desperate plea for help.

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www.mikestiles.com

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