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Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

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Best Buy will sell a GPS parents can use to track their child’s location.  Little Buddy is $99 and fits “easily into a backpack, lunchbox or other receptacle.”  The product alerts parents via a text when the kid moves outside a designated area.
*Of course, the device will tell you every time that your kid is in the home theatre section of Best Buy to get you into the store again and again.
*Or better yet, Best Buy should assign one of those guys that stands at the door and checks your receipts to watch your kid wherever they go.
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The Federal pay czar rejected Bank of America’s initial proposal to cut pay for its top-paid employees.  Instead, he insisted cash portions of their salaries be reduced by 94%.  Obama appointed him to set pay for the top 25 earners at companies getting the most bailout money.
*They also won’t get the Butterball whole turkeys they used to get every Christmas.  Just a thigh.
*But that’s just on the cash portion.  They still get to keep their mistresses.
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Farm and construction machinery, Tupperware, the railroads, Hersheys, Yum food brands and Yahoo.  A report shows all are more profitable than the health insurance industry, currently attacked by the White House as voracious profiteers making “immoral” and “obscene” returns.  Their profit margins are usually 6%, anemic compared to other industries.
*If it gets down to where Marie Osmond makes more profit on her line of dolls than the health insurance industry, they might be able to make their case.
*That’s why whenever I need a medical test or procedure done, I head to the Apple store at the mall.
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Experimental gene therapy has boosted fading vision with a single treatment in some patients.  The younger the patient, the better the effects.
*Unfortunately, the first thing patients saw was a current picture of Carrot Top so…
*The procedure involves injecting the DNA of a deceased classic movie star so people can literally have Bette Davis eyes.
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The first officer of the Northwest Airlines jet that missed its destination by 150 miles says he and the captain weren’t sleeping or arguing, but he wouldn’t explain what did happen.  He would only say, “It was not a serious event from a safety issue.”  Air traffic controllers and pilots tried for over an hour to contact the flight.
*Uh oh, here comes the argument that all pilots should be female because they’re willing to stop and ask directions.
*Wouldn’t be so bad if they didn’t slap an extra $30 per bag fee on for the 300 mile out-of-the-way round trip.
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Obama declared the swine flu outbreak a national emergency.  Now Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius can skip rules and turn schools or community centers into emergency ER’s.  Obama’s own daughters, by the way, have NOT had the swine flu vaccine.
*Apparently they’re already obedient to Obama and don’t need to get the secret compound they’ve put in the vaccine to make us all passive followers.  We’d like to thank Glenn Beck for that joke.
*This whole swine flu thing would do the balloon boy’s dad proud.
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Activists around the planet have protested to mobilize public opinion against global warming 50 days ahead of a crucial UN climate summit.  Organizers claim events took place in over 180 countries.  The UN is trying to hash out a new treaty to curb greenhouse gases to replace the Kyoto Protocol, which expires in 2012.
*And yes, the weather was absolutely gorgeous for all the rallies.
*Are you sure they weren’t counting the people who were trying to set the record for the world’s largest simultaneous “Thriller” dance?
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Madonna arrived in Malawi to visit the girls’ school she’s building where she adopted 2 children.  The 51-year-old’s charity helps feed, educate and provide medical care for some of Malawi’s orphans.
*Translated from Malawi, the school’s name means “Place to Wait for Madonna to Adopt you and Take you to America Where you’ll Probably Get your Own Disney Channel Series.”
*Plus the girls from Oprah’s South African school needed someone to play against in women’s volleyball.
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“Paranormal Activity” beat part 6 of the “Saw” franchise at the box office.  It was shot for $15,000 and looks like a homemade documentary as a couple copes with apparitions and supernatural phenomena in their home.  “Where the Wild Things Are” was number 3.
*If their house is for sale, that wasn’t an apparition, that was an actual interested buyer.  There are so few of them they just assumed it was a ghost.
*Hey, if it only cost $15,000 to make, it was a homemade documentary.
*In a related story, “Where the Girls Gone Wild Things Are” was #1 in DVD rentals.
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Analysts say the shift to digital from physical books will ultimately hurt brick-and-mortar book sellers.  If so, Barnes & Noble might be doing themselves in because they’re launching their own e-reader to compete with Amazon’s Kindle.
*Next step to putting themselves out of business, come up with an e-reader with a nozzle that squirts coffee into your mouth.
*Besides, who wants to buy from a place that only sells books about brick and mortar?
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South African traditional leaders plan to perform ritual animal slaughters to bless stadiums for the 2010 World Cup tournament next June.  They say the tournament, the first to be held in Africa, needed to be blessed in true “African style” by slaughtering a beast.
*Wow.  I think public animal slaughter is the only thing less popular than soccer in the US.
*Just to be safe, Jack Black has been denied his request to attend some of the matches.
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Want to be a politician?  No one has filed to run for mayor or any of the 3 town council seats in Spencer Mountain in Gaston County, NC.  The incumbents say the filing deadline just kinda snuck up on them.  There are 29 registered voters in Spencer Mountain.
*Don’t think Rod Blagojevich hasn’t booked a flight by now though.
*It’s not a hard job.  Let’s just say the only ribbon-cutting their mayor does is related to his wife’s scrapbooking hobby.
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A Michigan pet store employee, Sean Murphy, stuffed 16 Madagascar hissing cockroaches into his mouth, trying to set a new Guinness Record.  The old record was 11.  He says it was a “big surprise” since he’s never fit that many in his mouth before in one try.
*It’s not a new thing for him.  His nickname in high school was “Roach Motel.”
*Sure, they’ll stay in his mouth as long as it’s dark.  But when he opens it and the light hits them, they scatter.
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A decade long study says long-term cell phone users could face a higher risk of developing brain cancer in later life.  The findings may put pressure on governments to issue stronger warnings to users.
*Doctors are rapidly trying to develop an emoticon with which to inform patients of their diagnosis.
*Fortunately, you’ll probably be taken out when the battery overheats and explodes long before the brain cancer shows up.

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com