Jan 19

dolphinMine-detecting dolphins may be our best way to keep the Strait of Hormuz near Iran open.  When they find a mine, they drop off a floating marker.  Of course it’s hard to do that in secret because they also like to leap out of the water and ring a bell.
(The Real Story) 


 

lap deskFake iPad 2s made of modeling clay were recently sold at stores in Vancouver.  The stores responded by trying to sell disappointed customers lap desks so the clay wouldn’t stain their pants during usage.
(The Real Story)  


 

Ryan SeacrestResearchers in Egypt found the tomb of an ancient superstar.  A singer for the deity Amun-Ra, the Sun God of ancient Egypt, she’s considered the Lady Ga Ga of her day.  Coincidentally, Lady Ga Ga sings for Ryan Seacrest, the sun God of Los Angeles.
(The Real Story) 


 

Paula DeenPaula Deen is not apologizing for waiting 3 years to disclose she has Type 2 diabetes.  She’ll now be paid to endorse a diabetes drug.  Which she will prepare by soaking in butter, wrapping in raw cookie dough, and swallowing whole with a chaser of half-n-half.
(The Real Story)  


 

astronautThe US pledged to join an EU-led effort to develop a space “code of conduct.”  Rule 1: If the space food makes you gassy, you have to stay in the airlock for at least 3 hours.
(The Real Story)  


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

Tagged with:
Jan 03

Bookmark the main Stiles Files site for the 10 funniest things on the web daily

 

Lady GagaIran announced a nuclear fuel breakthrough and test-fired a new radar-evading medium-range missile in the Gulf.  But they admit they can not figure out what Lady Ga Ga was supposed to be dressed as New Year’s Eve.
(The Real Story) 

 

KFC bucketNorth Korea called on its people to rally behind new leader Kim Jong-un and protect him as “human shields” while working to solve the “burning issue” of food shortages.  Many citizens pointed out they would make much better human shields if allowed to eat and gain weight.
(The Real Story)  

 

Carrot ManA Swedish woman who lost her wedding ring 16 years ago found it around a carrot in her garden!  Unfortunately, thanks to Swedish tradition, she now has to marry the carrot.
(The Real Story)  

 

Newt Gingrich47-year-old Wynonna Judd got engaged to her boyfriend, Cactus Moser, Christmas Eve.  He’s a drummer with country group Highway 101.  This will be her 3rd marriage, which puts her solidly behind Newt Gingrich in the polls.
(The Real Story)  

 

Village PeopleTo usher in 2012, Kate Middleton’s little sis Pippa threw a giant teepee party, with Kate and Will in attendance.  The teepee cost $4600 and included a dance floor.  It was foreclosed on when the Indian from the Village People could no longer afford it.
(The Real Story)  

 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2011, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

 

Tagged with:
Jan 14

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

Jared Loughner was kicked out of an Internet gaming group last year in part due to statements the others found disruptive and disturbing.  Of course, in an Internet gaming chat room, “I’m interested in one day going out with a girl” is considered a disruptive and disturbing statement.


The Washington National Cathedral is adding 2 stone carvings depicting Rosa Parks and Mother Teresa.  They were selected for their contributions to human rights and social justice.  They both just barely edged out Lady Ga Ga.


Kelly Clarkson got a goat for Christmas and named it Billy Joel.  She named it Billy Joel because they both essentially have the same beards and driving skills.


Nothing mysterious about the death of a flock of birds in Romania last week.  They were wasted from eating the pulpy residue which is a by-product of winemaking.  The first sign of a bird with a problem is when they come up to you at a bar and ask, “Hey buddy, can you sparrow a drink?”


Kelsey Grammer’s soon-to-be ex insinuated he likes dressing in women’s clothes.  Said he appeared in “La Cage aux Folles” because he liked the cross dressing.  Pretty much any role you take where Dennis Rodman is your understudy is going to make us wonder.


Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

©2010, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

Tagged with:
Nov 18

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

2panel_Insert“Christmas in the Suburbs!”  Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

________________________________________________________________________

facebookThe New Oxford American Dictionary’s 2009 Word of the Year is “Unfriend.”  It means “To remove someone as a ‘friend’ on a social networking site.”  Finalists included sexting, funemployed, and tramp stamp.
*To use it in a sentence, “Kate unfriended Jon, who is now funemployed and sexting girls with tramp stamps who think he can make them famous.”

________________________________________________________________________

Coca-Cola set a goal of doubling revenue by 2020.  The goal “builds upon the mission to refresh the world and inspire moments of optimism and happiness, while making a difference across the globe.”
*Hey, they stole Obama’s mission statement!
*The first strategy in doubling revenues is to go from 2-liter bottles to 4-liter bottles.
*Coke felt the need to increase revenue as quickly as possible because their polar bears are headed for extinction.

________________________________________________________________________

spongebathPolls show Americans are worried about the hidden costs of health care legislation.  They agree major changes are needed, but Democratic bills get a lukewarm reception.
*Hidden medical costs include having to pay for the sponges and clamps they accidentally leave inside you during surgery.
*Like when you’re in the hospital, you have to figure in the cost of having to pay extra to get that extra long sponge bath on the weekends.

________________________________________________________________________

The government says most women don’t need a mammogram in their 40s and should get one every 2 years starting at 50.  That conflicts with the Cancer Society.  Also, the task force said breast self-exams do no good and women shouldn’t be taught to do them.
*They say they should only be conducted by a qualified professional, such as ohhh, say, a task force member.
*Men who’ve been getting regular mammograms since age 25 are referred to an entirely different kind of doctor.

________________________________________________________________________

leviSarah Palin told Oprah it’s heartbreaking to see the road Levi Johnston has taken.  She said she prays for the soon-to-be Playgirl model, and he has an “open invitation” to Thanksgiving dinner.
*Provided he doesn’t get any chest hair in the sweet potato soufflé.
*It will be a little embarrassing when Sarah brings out the baby carrots and he yells, “They’re not mine!”
*I hope Levi enjoys the road he’s chosen because he’ll probably be living in that street in a year or so.

________________________________________________________________________

Photos of Obama bowing to Japan’s emperor have once again angered critics here, just as when he bowed before Saudi royalty.  Critics say it bespoke a US that has become weak and overly-deferential.
*Not only that, as he was bowing he apologized profusely for the Michael Keaton movie “Gung Ho.”
*Witnesses say even when he watches “Return of the Jedi,” he gets on his knees whenever the Emporer comes onscreen.

________________________________________________________________________

ladygagaA study shows kids who don’t show normal fear responses to loud, unpleasant sounds at age 3 may be more likely to commit crimes as adults.  It hints at abnormalities in the part of the brain responsible for being afraid of consequences.
*Or, maybe they’re so pissed off at having to deal with so many sudden loud, unpleasant sounds at age 3 that they grew up to take revenge on society.
*Once they get to be around 12 or 13, they actually seek out loud, unpleasant sounds such as Lady Ga Ga.

________________________________________________________________________

The Supreme Court won’t hear an appeal from Native Americans who think the name of the Washington Redskins is offensive.  None of the judges commented on whether the name’s racist, the team won on legal technicalities.
*It doesn’t help that football is all about taking land either.
*This means the team’s lawyers won’t have to argue their case that really, the nickname is talking about a kind of potato, not Native Americans.

________________________________________________________________________

loudobbsHeidi and Spencer Pratt want to branch out from MTV’s “The Hills” and star in their own reality show.  They’re currently promoting their book, “How to be Famous: Our Guide to Looking the Part, Playing the Press, and Becoming a Tabloid Fixture.”
*The good news is, they’ll probably get the show they’re looking for.  The bad news is, Lou Dobbs has to be in it with them.
*The reality show will show things like how Heidi and Spencer go about finding ghost writers to write their books for them.

________________________________________________________________________

A new exhibit opened at the Smithsonian on commercial holiday displays.  It covers elaborate department store windows and retail displays dating back to the 20s, as well as the creation of floats for the Macy’s Parade.
*The exhibit requires an extra 50,000 kilowatts of electricity.
*And it always happens, as soon as one museum puts up an exhibit on Christmas decorations, the museum up the street has to try to outdo it.

________________________________________________________________________

sweetpotatoA traveler at Miami’s airport has to pay a $300 fine for trying to smuggle 18 fresh sweet potatoes from Bolivia into the US by disguising them as a candy.  They were wrapped in the commercial wrappers of a popular Bolivian candy.
*Wait a minute.  Can we back up to the part where candy in Bolivia is the size of sweet potatoes?
*It’s especially hard to find the potatoes in Bolivia because they keep getting hidden every Easter.

________________________________________________________________________

Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi, in Rome for a UN summit, spent several hours with 200 Italian women recruited by an agency.  But instead of partying with them, he tried to convert them to Islam.
*Thus, the mystery of why Gaddafi’s constant applications to be on ABC’s “The Bachelor” have all been rejected.
*Luckily, the agency’s name is “Elite Models & Converts.”

________________________________________________________________________

carrieprejeanCarrie Prejean is going to be publicly mocked by the Miss California USA pageant.  They’re looking for a Carrie lookalike to play her in a skit for this weekend’s pageant.
*I don’t care.  From what I hear, I’d still rather see Carrie performing her “talent” than any of this year’s contestants combined.
*And if you don’t remember, the allegedly squeaky clean Carrie’s ex-boyfriend released a video of her…uh…polishing her own crown.

________________________________________________________________________

ABC is close to a ordering a pilot for a new “Charlie’s Angels.”  It’s being executive produced by a group including Drew Barrymore.
*They’re working on a very similar, even sexier show over at CBS called “Charlie Sheen’s Angels.”
*Chances are very good it will get picked up because it’s between this pilot and an updated version of “Barnaby Jones.”

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

Tagged with:
Sep 16

(Delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

showerheadA study says showerheads can harbor tiny bacteria that come spraying into your face when you wash.  They’re full of nooks and crannies, making them hard to clean.  Baths don’t splash microbes into the air as much as showers.
*At least you can adjust the pressure so your bacteria is giving you a good massage.
*Does this mean I don’t have to shower before entering and after exiting the pool?
*If baths aren’t as bad, what’s that black slime that always winds up on the bottom of my rubber duck?

________________________________________________________________________

Osama bin Laden described Obama as “powerless” to stop the war in Afghanistan and threatened to step up guerrilla warfare there in a new audiotape posted on Islamic militant sites.  He tried to depict Obama as no different from Bush.
*Too bad Kanye wasn’t around to snatch the microphone out of his hand.
*I believe in Barack’s old neighborhood, that’s referred to as “getting called out.”
*Always on Islamic militant sites.  Nobody has shown this guy how to start a group or fan page on Facebook yet?

________________________________________________________________________

tiresBeijing’s not happy about new US tariffs on Chinese tires.  It adds to other disputes over poultry, auto parts and other goods that have threatened to strain relations.  Economists said both have too much at stake economically to start a trade war.
*Is that what all those “don’t tread on me” flags I’ve been seeing lately are about…tires?
*Relations between the two are still better than shoppers fighting over Black Friday deals at JC Penney.
*US tire manufacturers are now urging us to “peel out for America.”

________________________________________________________________________

Drugmaker Eli Lilly will cut 5,500 jobs over 2 years, reducing its work force by nearly 14%.  Lilly has only received approval for one new drug since 2005.  Other drugs are losing patent protection in the next few years, opening the door to generic drug competitors.
*The goal, of course, is to fire people so they’ll have to get on the anti-depressant medication Lilly makes.
*Cuts will be made according to who can get the lid, sealed paper top, and cotton out of a pill bottle the fastest.
*If they can’t get drugs approved, have they looked into branching out into the Sweet-tart business or something?

________________________________________________________________________

brainscan3 active NFL players are joining former players in agreeing to donate their brains after death to a medical school program that studies sports brain injuries.  Matt Birk of the Ravens, Lofa Tatupu of the Seahawks and Sean Morey of the Cardinals.
*Not really knowing what they signed up for kinda proves right out of the gate there is some concussion damage.
*I wonder if little x’s and o’s show up on their brainwaves?
*Let me guess, their agents want 10% of the brains.

________________________________________________________________________

Serena Williams’ profanity-laced, finger-pointing tirade at a US Open linesperson drew a $10,000 fine, and more punishment could follow from an investigation.  If it’s ruled a “major offense,” the fine could be as high as all of her prize money from the tournament and a suspension.  She also was docked $500 for smashing her racket after the first set of the match.
*Oh come on, rock stars don’t get fined for smashing their guitars.
*Can you imagine if everyone who cursed on a golf course got fined?  That could solve the national debt.

________________________________________________________________________

romanoThe Golf Channel says Ray Romano will be the focus of its new reality series, “The Haney Project.”  The series follows Tiger Woods’ swing coach Hank Haney as he tries to improve the game of a celebrity.
*The show will be called “Everybody Loves Mulligans.”
*At first they were going to teach golf to Lady Ga Ga and call it “The Hiney Project,” but changed their plans.
*I think they misunderstood what Haney means as “swing coach.”  He really teaches dancing.

________________________________________________________________________

A 7-year-old 800-pound grizzly bear was seen getting swimming lessons in a Montana pool.  “Brutus” was born in captivity, so he was being taught how to swim and catch fish for a National Geographic special.
*The first 20 minutes of the special is spent just shopping for floaties that fit him.
*Doubtful he’ll ever swim competitively though.  He won’t stay in his lane.
*And no…bears in Speedos don’t make you any less uncomfortable than when humans wear them.

________________________________________________________________________

wrightThe colonial mansion next to Obama’s Chicago home is for sale.  The realtor doesn’t even want to hazard a guess as to what the selling price will be.  Homes in the area go for $1.2 million, and that’s without the Obama factor.  The current owners are looking to downsize.
*I take it Obama’s house is the one to the left?
*The funnest part about it is on Halloween you can trick or treat at their house dressed as Rev. Jeremiah Wright.
*It’s expensive, but I think you get an ambassadorship as a housewarming gift.

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

Tagged with:
preload preload preload