(Delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”! www.notoriousdadmusic.com
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The FDA officially banned cigarettes with candy and fruit flavors so they’re not as appealing to children. Of course, neither the No. 2 or No. 3 tobacco company in the country makes cigarettes with those flavors.
*I know a lot of people have an incredible craving for a Kit Kat bar after sex.
*Did you know at some restaurants they now actually make you go outside to eat your after-dinner mint?
*Come on ladies, how many times has a guy approached you at a bar with a pineapple and asked if you had a light?
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Obama told world leaders at the UN they’ve got to join him in solving global crises rather than wait for America to do everything alone. “Those who used to chastise America for acting alone cannot now stand by and wait for America to solve the world’s problems alone.”
*It all started when Vanilla Ice sang, “If you got a problem yo, I’ll solve it…”
*And the first problem he needs them to help solve is finding another obscure place for Hillary to visit.
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Sydney, Australia got slammed with a hellish red dust storm that blotted out the Opera House and Harbour Bridge and even got into underground subway stations. The worst dust storm in 70 years interfered with air traffic and colored the sky an eerie orange.
*Well, you know how the old opera expression goes…“it ain’t over til the fat lady starts gagging on caked-up dust in her throat.”
*America is responding to the international tragedy by airlifting in 10,000 Roombas.
*When your sky over your entire city looks like it was photoshopped, you know you’re in trouble.
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New satellite info shows ice sheets in Greenland and western Antarctica continue to shrink faster than scientists thought and in some places are already in runaway meltdown. The more the ice melts, the more water eats away at the remaining ice. *The report said the ice sheets are coming apart faster than Plaxico Burress’ football career.
*On the bright side, convenience stores have a whole new source for Slushies!
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Mackenzie Phillips said she had consensual sex with her dad, John Phillips, leader of the 60’s pop group the Mamas and the Papas, when she was a teenager. Even did it the night before she was getting married. She told Oprah her siblings “definitely have a problem with this.”
*That was the motto of that era, “If it feels good, repeatedly commit the most heinous, perverted, unnatural act conceivable to the human mind.”
*You know, when you start wishing that Brian Wilson from the Beach Boys were your dad instead, you’ve got a pretty messed up dad.
*Proving once again the line between hip, sophisticated Californian and outright hillbilly is a very, very thin one.
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Russia’s richest man will buy 80% of the New Jersey Nets. Mikhail Prokhorov would be the first non-North American NBA owner. The NBA commissioner praised the move, saying it will help the NBA expand globally and get the Nets a new arena.
*Nothing will change, except underperforming players will be banished to Siberia.
*It won’t take the team long to realize the Gatorade’s been replaced with vodka.
*This new arena…it will have toilet paper right?
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Khloe Kardashian is marrying LA Lakers forward Lamar Odom. Khloe is on “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” and the E! spinoff “Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami.”
*Odom finally agreed after Russia’s richest man passed on purchasing Khloe.
*She will now be on yet another reality show on ESPN, “Khloe Pesters Jack Nicholson During Every Laker Game.”
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“Girls Gone Wild” guy Joe Francis agreed to plead guilty to filing false tax returns and will avoid further jail time. He’ll also plead guilty to one count of bribing Nevada jail workers in exchange for food. He’s admitting to underreporting nearly $563,000, but prosecutors say there were over $20 million in fraudulent deductions.
*A contempt of court charge for making the court stenographer stand on her chair and flash the jury was dropped…mostly because the jury appreciated it.
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Kiss, LL Cool J, Genesis and the Red Hot Chili Peppers could be among next year’s inductees at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Repeat nominees include Donna Summer and ABBA.
*What happens if the members of ABBA put on the KISS makeup and try to sneak in?
*Genesis has been assured they will not be inducted until Phil Collins reveals just what the hell Sussudio means.
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Some cops who played Wii video games while they raided a convicted drug dealer’s home in Lakeland, Florida got caught. Surveillance video shows them playing a bowling game.
*They would have played Grand Theft Auto, but they were scared of the bad guys.
*The cops defended themselves by saying they were using the game “Dr. Mario” to help identify the drugs found in the house.
*That’s nothing compared to how good they were at Dance Dance Revolution when they raided a strip club last week.
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India’s cricket team is being encouraged by their coach to have sex to boost their game. A handout even suggested “going solo” if no partners were available. It said not having sex for a few months causes a drop in testosterone, aggressiveness and competitiveness.
*So it turns out your “O” face and your game face are one in the same!
*Being told that by the coach wouldn’t have been nearly as awkward if he didn’t give everyone his phone number right after.
*Would you mind not calling the document about going solo a “handout”?
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A House congressional committee will study the newspaper industry’s financial problems and their place in the future. The chairwoman said, “Since the Bill of Rights, the government has acknowledged the press is an institution which is afforded special protections.”
*”Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Newspapers extinct! That’s why I’m holding a stack of Kindles in my hand! Read all about it!”
*Why the alarm? Is there nothing else we can train dogs on, make hats out of, wrap fish in or pull comics off with Silly Putty with?
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Jaclyn Smith’s stunt double was shot in Honduras. Sandra Franklin, who doubled for Smith on “Charlie’s Angels,” is in stable condition after getting shot in the stomach in her home off the Honduran coast. Cause of the shooting is unclear.
*Does anyone know exactly where Kate Jackson’s stunt double was at the time?
*The shooting was reported by a voice coming over a small speaker box.
©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com
Some researchers are saying sugar and other sweeteners are so toxic to the human body they should be regulated as strictly as alcohol. Consequently, you have to be 21 to get pie now.
Authorities are trying to keep outsiders away from isolated Amazon Indians in Peru who started appearing by a river popular with tourists. They’ve shot people with bows and arrows. It’s the only way they can make sure they’re the last people alive who’ve never heard of the Kardashians.
The coroner who oversaw the inquest into Amy Winehouse’s death resigned after her qualifications were questioned. Apparently she’s not a trained bartender.
An English supermarket caved to a 3-year-old girl’s campaign to change the name of its Tiger bread to Giraffe bread. She says the splotches on the crust look more like a giraffe. To make it even more authentic, the store will only put it on the very highest shelves.
Kodak asked the bankruptcy court to void a $74 million contract to have its name on the Hollywood theater that hosts the Oscars. Mitt Romney will now take over the contract and rename it the “Newt Gingrich Was Forced to Resign in Disgrace Theater.”
Stiles Files for April 18, 2012
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Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”! http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com
(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com @TheStilesFiles