Apr 18

Feeding Tube DietBrides can drop a quick 20 lbs. in a crash diet involving a feeding tube up their nose for 10 days.  They’re fed a drip of protein and fat mixed with water.  And it’s always exciting to see which bridesmaid catches the IV bag.
(The Real Story) 


 

Dorito TacoNorth Korea’s new leader addressed his nation for the first time, vowing to place top priority on their military.  While he shares dad’s desire to build up the military, he’s mostly doing it so they can invade and get Doritos Loco Tacos from Taco Bell.
(The Real Story) 


 

Iron ManDisney will co-produce the next “Iron Man” movie with a Chinese partner.  Chinese audiences love the character because they fantasize about ripping him apart to sell as scrap metal and feed their family for a month.
(The Real Story) 


 

Kim KardashianAn announcement was made that no one was murdered in El Salvador Saturday!  It was the first homicide-free day in nearly 3 years.  That would be like us being able to announce a Kardashian went 24 hours without screwing an athlete.
(The Real Story) 


 

pterodactylA sleepy Air Canada pilot mistook Venus for an aircraft and sent his airliner diving toward the Atlantic to avoid it.  Not since he thought a moth was a pterodactyl brought back through time had he taken such dramatic evasive actions.
(The Real Story) 


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

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Feb 03

apple pieSome researchers are saying sugar and other sweeteners are so toxic to the human body they should be regulated as strictly as alcohol.  Consequently, you have to be 21 to get pie now.
(The Real Story) 


 

Amazon tribeAuthorities are trying to keep outsiders away from isolated Amazon Indians in Peru who started appearing by a river popular with tourists.  They’ve shot people with bows and arrows.  It’s the only way they can make sure they’re the last people alive who’ve never heard of the Kardashians.
(The Real Story)  


 

Amy WinehouseThe coroner who oversaw the inquest into Amy Winehouse’s death resigned after her qualifications were questioned.  Apparently she’s not a trained bartender.
(The Real Story)  


 

giraffeAn English supermarket caved to a 3-year-old girl’s campaign to change the name of its Tiger bread to Giraffe bread.  She says the splotches on the crust look more like a giraffe.  To make it even more authentic, the store will only put it on the very highest shelves.
(The Real Story)  


 

Newt GingrichKodak asked the bankruptcy court to void a $74 million contract to have its name on the Hollywood theater that hosts the Oscars.  Mitt Romney will now take over the contract and rename it the “Newt Gingrich Was Forced to Resign in Disgrace Theater.”
(The Real Story)  


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

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Feb 02

Kim KardashianThe Director of Intelligence told Congress our biggest threats in 2012 include Iran willing to attack on US soil, homegrown terror, and increased cyber threats.  Oh, and the threat of up to 2 additional Kardashian TV shows.
(The Real Story) 


 

elephantVets at an Amsterdam zoo fitted a contact lens on an Asian elephant whose cornea was injured playing with other elephants.  It took an hour to get the lens in.  But it took 6 hours to fit him with those coke-bottle glasses he wore before getting contacts.
(The Real Story) 


 

sunNewar girls in Kathmandu marry 3 times, first to the fruit of the wood-apple tree, second to the sun, then to a human.  Most girls will tell you they got burned by their second husband.
(The Real Story) 


 

yogaSan Francisco Airport has opened a yoga room.  This will help when passengers start being forced to assume the downward dog position when being patted down by the TSA.
(The Real Story)  


 

VoyagerSeparated from his wife in 1994, a British man spent 10 years and $150,000 turning his apartment into Star Trek’s USS Voyager.  Now she demands he sell the place.  Divorce is when you put a cloaking device on all your assets.
(The Real Story)  


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

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Dec 15

Bookmark the main Stiles Files site for the 10 funniest things on the web daily

 

doctor3 docs put out a book, “Stuck Up! 100 Objects Inserted and Ingested in Places They Shouldn’t Be.”  It includes items like 4 Barbie doll heads, light bulbs, tools, cell phones, and reading glasses.  The book features patients who, not coincidentally, request a colonoscopy 7 times a year.
(The Real Story)


 

old ladyIran rejected Obama’s request they give us our secret spy drone back.  Iranian news agencies ridiculed and had great fun with Obama’s plea.  Iran is the international version of the crazy old lady who won’t give your football back when it goes into her yard.
(The Real Story)


 

Kim KardashianA Verizon “emergency” alert went out Monday, texted to wireless customers in NJ, that said there was a civil emergency and everyone should take shelter immediately.  It was meant to be a test but somebody forgot to label it as such.  Kind of like a Kardashian marriage.
(The Real Story)


 

Drew BreesNew Orleans Saints QB Drew Brees is making a special appearance on “Sesame Street.”  Elmo counts out Brees’ annual salary in a segment that will be spread out over 289 episodes.
(The Real Story)


 

car crashThe National Transportation Safety Board called for a nationwide ban on the use of cell phones and text messaging devices while driving.  It would not apply to hands-free devices.  And no, it’s not the car that’s a hands-free device.
(The Real Story)


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

©2011, The Stiles Company, LLC

www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

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Sep 28

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

Mega-church leader Bishop Eddie Long, casting himself as David vs. Goliath, promised to fight accusations he lured 4 young men into sexual relationships.  In fact, he often used the line, “You wanna see what I got in my slingshot?”


Khloe KardashianWorkers cleaned the Commonwealth Games Village as India best they could after several top athletes pulled out due to conditions.  Not unlike when a Kardashian gets dumped.


A small, a family-owned brewery in Belgium produced its first batch of beer brewed by the light of a full autumn moon.  In a related story, some guys in Kentucky are proudly offering meth cooked under the glow of a bug zapper.


Guantanamo Bay’s 147 detainees must now suffer through having their ice cream rationed.  ”Jihadi Crunch with, Allah Willing, a Swirl of Fudge” is their favorite.


The Dalai Lama gave $50,000 from his personal trust to support research into the science behind kindness and compassion.  So let the fighting and backstabbing to get a piece of the money begin!


Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

©2010, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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Sep 25

(Delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

2panel_InsertCheck out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

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kidsmokerThe FDA officially banned cigarettes with candy and fruit flavors so they’re not as appealing to children.  Of course, neither the No. 2 or No. 3 tobacco company in the country makes cigarettes with those flavors.
*I know a lot of people have an incredible craving for a Kit Kat bar after sex.
*Did you know at some restaurants they now actually make you go outside to eat your after-dinner mint?
*Come on ladies, how many times has a guy approached you at a bar with a pineapple and asked if you had a light?

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Obama told world leaders at the UN they’ve got to join him in solving global crises rather than wait for America to do everything alone.  “Those who used to chastise America for acting alone cannot now stand by and wait for America to solve the world’s problems alone.”
*It all started when Vanilla Ice sang, “If you got a problem yo, I’ll solve it…”
*And the first problem he needs them to help solve is finding another obscure place for Hillary to visit.

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roombaSydney, Australia got slammed with a hellish red dust storm that blotted out the Opera House and Harbour Bridge and even got into underground subway stations.  The worst dust storm in 70 years interfered with air traffic and colored the sky an eerie orange.
*Well, you know how the old opera expression goes…“it ain’t over til the fat lady starts gagging on caked-up dust in her throat.”
*America is responding to the international tragedy by airlifting in 10,000 Roombas.
*When your sky over your entire city looks like it was photoshopped, you know you’re in trouble.

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New satellite info shows ice sheets in Greenland and western Antarctica continue to shrink faster than scientists thought and in some places are already in runaway meltdown.  The more the ice melts, the more water eats away at the remaining ice.  *The report said the ice sheets are coming apart faster than Plaxico Burress’ football career.
*On the bright side, convenience stores have a whole new source for Slushies!

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johnphillipsMackenzie Phillips said she had consensual sex with her dad, John Phillips, leader of the 60’s pop group the Mamas and the Papas, when she was a teenager.  Even did it the night before she was getting married.  She told Oprah her siblings “definitely have a problem with this.”
*That was the motto of that era, “If it feels good, repeatedly commit the most heinous, perverted, unnatural act conceivable to the human mind.”
*You know, when you start wishing that Brian Wilson from the Beach Boys were your dad instead, you’ve got a pretty messed up dad.
*Proving once again the line between hip, sophisticated Californian and outright hillbilly is a very, very thin one.

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Russia’s richest man will buy 80% of the New Jersey Nets.  Mikhail Prokhorov would be the first non-North American NBA owner.  The NBA commissioner praised the move, saying it will help the NBA expand globally and get the Nets a new arena.
*Nothing will change, except underperforming players will be banished to Siberia.
*It won’t take the team long to realize the Gatorade’s been replaced with vodka.
*This new arena…it will have toilet paper right?

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jacknicholsonKhloe Kardashian is marrying LA Lakers forward Lamar Odom.  Khloe is on “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” and the E! spinoff “Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami.”
*Odom finally agreed after Russia’s richest man passed on purchasing Khloe.
*She will now be on yet another reality show on ESPN, “Khloe Pesters Jack Nicholson During Every Laker Game.”

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“Girls Gone Wild” guy Joe Francis agreed to plead guilty to filing false tax returns and will avoid further jail time.  He’ll also plead guilty to one count of bribing Nevada jail workers in exchange for food.  He’s admitting to underreporting nearly $563,000, but prosecutors say there were over $20 million in fraudulent deductions.
*A contempt of court charge for making the court stenographer stand on her chair and flash the jury was dropped…mostly because the jury appreciated it.

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kissKiss, LL Cool J, Genesis and the Red Hot Chili Peppers could be among next year’s inductees at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  Repeat nominees include Donna Summer and ABBA.
*What happens if the members of ABBA put on the KISS makeup and try to sneak in?
*Genesis has been assured they will not be inducted until Phil Collins reveals just what the hell Sussudio means.

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Some cops who played Wii video games while they raided a convicted drug dealer’s home in Lakeland, Florida got caught.  Surveillance video shows them playing a bowling game.
*They would have played Grand Theft Auto, but they were scared of the bad guys.
*The cops defended themselves by saying they were using the game “Dr. Mario” to help identify the drugs found in the house.
*That’s nothing compared to how good they were at Dance Dance Revolution when they raided a strip club last week.

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cricketIndia’s cricket team is being encouraged by their coach to have sex to boost their game.  A handout even suggested “going solo” if no partners were available.  It said not having sex for a few months causes a drop in testosterone, aggressiveness and competitiveness.
*So it turns out your “O” face and your game face are one in the same!
*Being told that by the coach wouldn’t have been nearly as awkward if he didn’t give everyone his phone number right after.
*Would you mind not calling the document about going solo a “handout”?

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A House congressional committee will study the newspaper industry’s financial problems and their place in the future.  The chairwoman said, “Since the Bill of Rights, the government has acknowledged the press is an institution which is afforded special protections.”
*”Extra!  Extra!  Read all about it!  Newspapers extinct!  That’s why I’m holding a stack of Kindles in my hand!  Read all about it!”
*Why the alarm?  Is there nothing else we can train dogs on, make hats out of, wrap fish in or pull comics off with Silly Putty with?

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charliesangelsJaclyn Smith’s stunt double was shot in Honduras.  Sandra Franklin, who doubled for Smith on “Charlie’s Angels,” is in stable condition after getting shot in the stomach in her home off the Honduran coast.  Cause of the shooting is unclear.
*Does anyone know exactly where Kate Jackson’s stunt double was at the time?
*The shooting was reported by a voice coming over a small speaker box.

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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