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The average price of a hotel room in the US fell 17%, year-over-year.  The average room rate is $115 a night.
*I’m thinking it’s time to send the Priceline negotiator overseas to solve that whole Middle East peace issue.
*Travelers love the price, and you can tell because you can see them using the spycam in the hotel vents.

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Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke said the recession is “probably over.”  But he said pain, especially for the 15 million unemployed, will persist.
*He then clarified by saying “kinda sorta most likely given nothing else changes and considering on any given day anything can happen…probably.”
*That’s like saying Lindsay Lohan probably won’t get in trouble with the law again.
*The good news is all those unemployed will have all week free to wait in line to see a doctor under healthcare reform.

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The Iraqi shoe thrower was freed from prison, condemned the US presence in Iraq and accused authorities of torturing him.  He said he wants to avenge his country’s humiliation.
*Torture meaning he was given 2 left shoes.
*Torture meaning they took his aglets off.
*Hey, if it weren’t for America that guy would have disappeared faster than Reuben Studdard.

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Kanye West gave a personal apology to Taylor Swift.  He called her after her appearance on “The View.”  Swift’s spokesperson said the contents of the call will remain private.  On Leno, Kanye said, “It was rude, period.  I need to take some time off and analyze how I’m going to improve.”
*Wow, anyone who has to go on “The View,” I’d call and tell them I was sorry too.
*Actually, he called and apologized to Taylor Dayne…still a little drunk off the Cognac.
*Has Dr. Phil shown up uninvited to Kanye’s house to help yet?

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France’s lower house of parliament approved a bill letting authorities cut off Internet access to people who download illegally.  The Culture Ministry estimates 1,000 French Internet users a day could be taken offline.
*Apparently people there will download copyrighted photos of various cheeses and use them as wallpaper without paying.
*They did this even though most of what they download are old Jerry Lewis movies?
*At the same time, the French are trying to invent a webcam that will spit at you.

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Snuggie, the famed blanket with sleeves, staged a runway show in NY, complete with high-fashion models and a new “urban jungle” line of zebra and leopard prints.  You can get college logos on them now, and there’s even Snuggies for kids and dogs.
*Snuggie, of course, tapped into the cultural phenomenon of people wanting to look like giant hand puppets.
*And here we all laughed at Michael Jackson naming his kid “Blanket.”

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Several mortars or rockets were fired at Baghdad’s Green Zone right after Joe Biden flew in to pressure Iraq’s leaders into making political compromises.  His precise location was kept under wraps for security reasons, but a reporter heard a blast during a briefing.
*And when we say his location was kept under wraps, that means nobody told Joe either.  He thought he was in Iowa and was wondering why he was being shot at.
*Now see, if Sarah Palin were VP she’d be up on the wall with a rifle and a duck call fighting back.

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A Manhattan federal court sentenced a Lebanese-born Swedish man to life for trying to establish an al Qaeda training camp in Oregon and running sites on how to make bombs. The sites featured materials like “The Mujahideen Explosives Handbook.”
*He also offered a day camp for terrorist wannabes who are too scared to spend the night yet.
*It’s easy to see now why the Jonas Brothers chose to be in “Camp Rock” instead of “Camp Suicide Bomber.”
*Come on, a video of him dropping Mentos into 2-liter Coke bottles doesn’t count as a “bomb-making site.”

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Research shows kids who are spanked as 1-year-olds are more likely to behave aggressively and perform worse on cognitive tests as toddlers than kids who aren’t.  Researchers also looked at the effects of verbal punishment, which wasn’t harmful if mom was otherwise attentive, loving and supportive.
*…and on her medication.
*Kids who are spanked as 21-year-olds behave aggressively in a whole different way, especially after several Peach Schnapps.
*When I was little there was a big ol’ wooden paddle on the Vice Principal’s wall…and it wasn’t cause he was into boating.

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Prince Harry turned 25, becoming an even more eligible bachelor as he gained access to part of his inheritance from Princess Di.  He’s third in line to the British throne.  Harry and William were left equal shares in their mother’s estate.
*Asked what he wanted for is birthday, Harry said, “The Falkland Islands.”
*I know how he feels, I’m usually third in line for the “throne” at my house too.
*The celebration went fine until Amy Winehouse fell out of a cake and threw up on Harry’s Cricket pants.

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A 107-year-old Malaysian woman says she’s ready to marry for the 23rd time because she fears her current drug addict husband might leave her for a younger woman.  He’s 70 years younger than her.  He’s in rehab now and she’s worried he’ll leave her once the program ends.
*She’s beyond a cougar.  She’s a Wooly Mammoth.
*Wow, even at 107 she’s aware enough to know the only reason her husband married her is he was strung out on heroin.

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2 44-year-olds in Wichita climbed into a dumpster to “be alone” when 2 guys interrupted them and demanded their belongings.  They lost their shoes, jewelry and the man’s wallet.
*It’s a new version of “dumpster-diving” called “dumpster dating.”
*They tried it in a glass recycling bin once, but it was just too noisy.
*Luckily the man’s wallet was the only thing that was theirs.  The jewelry and shoes they fished out of what was already in there.

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PETA wants to rent a prison Virginia plans to close and turn it into the first chicken empathy museum.  The state says they don’t lease to private entities.  But PETA thinks it’s an ideal for exhibits on the mistreatment of chickens raised for slaughter.  It would also have displays detailing chickens’ intelligence.
*Why did the chicken cross the cell block?  “Because you stick with your own f’ing kind or you get shanked, fresh meat!”
*They may be smart, but I noticed there’s not a bucket full of me somewhere.

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The war over the Washington Redskins, the allegedly most offensive team name in pro sports, might finally go to the Supreme Court.  A group of American Indians is asking the court to cancel the trademarks on the name and logos.
*The legal process has been very slow, because the team’s lawyers have been filing all their motions in smoke signals.

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