(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)
“Christmas in the Suburbs!” Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”! www.notoriousdadmusic.com
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AirTran
AirTran will outfit all its 138 Boeing jets with seat-back advertising. 2.5-by-9-inch, changeable, full-color ads you’re forced to look at during boarding, taxi, takeoff, landing and deplaning.
*The good news is, you can get a discount on your flight if you’re willing to kick an advertising message in Morse code against the seat of the guy in front of you.
*Also, all air sickness bags will have ads for “Project Runway” on them!
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J.C. Penney will no longer publish its 2 “big book” catalogs. They’ll focus on online and a few smaller niche catalogues.
*Seriously, if this keeps up, little old ladies will have absolutely nothing to sit on so they can see over the steering wheel.
*Kids all over will now have to use magic markers to circle the things they want for Christmas on their computer screens.
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The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety released its top 2010 safety picks. Subaru’s the only make with a winner in all 4 vehicle classes in which it competes. Ford and Volvo have 6 winners.
*A footnote in the report said what we all know, that the sturdiest, safest vehicles overall were the clunkers recently turned in for cash.
*As always, the report noted no vehicle is safe if driven by Lindsay Lohan or Hulk Hogan’s son.
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Hundreds of Sarah Palin fans lined up at a Michigan book store to meet her. Some camped overnight to be the first to get wristbands from Barnes and Noble.
*Are you kidding? After seeing that Newsweek photo of her vogueing in her short shorts, what depressed, unemployed Michigan man wouldn’t wait in line to see her?
*The store says they will position Sarah so she can see books on Russia right from her table!
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91-year-old West Virginia Sen. Robert Byrd became the longest-serving lawmaker in congressional history. The former Klansman started in 1952.
*Byrd says having someone around with his perspective is valuable, and he thinks President Coolidge is doing just fine.
*Experts credit his success with his ability to use his Medic-alert necklace to quickly summon congressmen who’ll vote the way he wants them to.
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Obama predicted professed 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed will be convicted and executed. He quickly added he’s not prejudging the trial’s outcome. Critics argue the trial will give Mohammed a world stage to air his views.
*Which is why it’s particularly bothersome Obama’s going to try him on TV with Judge Hatchett.
*Step one is finding an impartial jury who is not familiar with the case, the news, the country, the planet, what day it is or the fact that they’re alive.
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Janet Jackson says she recognized Michael’s drug problem, and tried to help, but he rebuffed attempts to intervene. She said, “You can’t make ‘em drink the water.”
*You can’t make ‘em drink the water…but the Jesus juice however…”
*What do you think tipped her off there might be a problem, Michael converting a guest room into a full surgical suite?
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“Uncharted 2: Among Thieves” got a leading 8 nominations for the Video Game Awards on Spike TV. Also up for Game of the Year is “Batman: Arkham Asylum,” “Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2,” zombie thriller “Left 4 Dead 2,” and “Assassin’s Creed 2.”
*Don’t tell me Minesweeper got passed over again!
*All are competing for the coveted Sweaty Controller.
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Obama met briefly with a half brother who lives in China and recently wrote a semi-autobiographical novel about the abusive Kenyan father they share. The brother described the meeting as “overwhelming” and “intense.”
*Mostly because of the DNA tests the Secret Service ran on him before Obama would enter the area.
*The brother remembered fondly the games the two of them would play as children, like “Hide and Go Seek,” “Mother May I,” and “Bring America to its Knees So it Will Have No Choice but to Accept Socialism.”
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More people are fighting for their right to dry their laundry on a clothesline. Project Laundry List argues you can save money and help the environment by not using your dryer.
*With everyone wearing their pants so low, we see everybody’s underwear anyway, so why not?
*People who live near paper mills…not fighting for the right so much.
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This year’s “Sexiest Man Alive” is once again Johnny Depp. Depp edged out Hugh Jackman to get the nod from People magazine. The 46-year-old also won in 2003.
*In a related story, Jon Gosselin won People’s “Most Desperate Man Alive.”
*Christian Bale would have been in the running, but People’s photographers were afraid to go anywhere near him.
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Obama says he’s worried spending too much money to help revive the economy could undermine a fragile recovery and throw us into a “double-dip” recession.
*Economic advisors are also look out for possible Waffle Cone and Marble Slab recessions.
*And I think we all remember building up our courage all week to go on our first loop-de-loop recession.
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NASA and Microsoft launched an interactive site that lets you explore Mars. The “Be a Martian” site invites the public to help perform tasks like improving maps. There’s so much data coming back from Mars, they literally need the public’s help to deal with it.
*They’d also like you to show up for the next shuttle launch if you have any experience at all mixing liquid hyrdrogen.
*They do however ask that gamers stop playing Halo using hijacked Martian rovers.
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Taylor Swift will create a line of greeting cards. American Greetings says cards, gift wrap, stationery, online greetings and other products overseen by Swift will be here in the spring.
*This was tried once before with Hank Williams Jr. greeting cards, which only had a bottle of whiskey on the front and some scribbled writing you couldn’t read on the inside.
*Also on tap, new Taylor-Made golf balls that plays “You Belong With Me” when you hit them.
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The “Holy Grail” of Michael Jackson memorabilia gets auctioned Saturday. It’s one of his white gloves. Estimated value is $40,000-$60,000 at the lowest.
*A white glove used in the Hamburger Helper TV ads is expected to go for much, much less.
*At $60,000, kinda makes you glad he only wore one and not the pair.
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An elderly man in Australia who went out to fetch a morning newspaper ended up driving nearly 400 miles after getting lost. 81-year-old Eric Steward eventually stopped and asked for directions after driving for 9 hours.
*Authorities say they’re just glad Australia is surrounded by water, which kept him reasonably contained.
*Two words…”home subscription!”
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Missouri Congressman Emanuel Cleaver is seeking co-sponsors for a resolution designating the day before Thanksgiving “Complaint-Free Wednesday.” Critics complain it’s a waste of taxpayer money and an unserious response to our challenges.
*Believe me, the day you’re trying to thaw out a 20-lb. turkey is not the day to try to shut down complaints.
*Isn’t this really just a backhanded way of forcing complaint department employees everywhere to take an uncompensated furlough?
©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com
At the GOP debate in Des Moines, Mitt Romney tried to get Rick Perry to bet him $10,000 he was wrong about something in Romney’s book. Then when Perry refused, Romney put a cigar in his mouth and lit it with the $10,000 bill, laughing maniacally.
Is a cloaked alien ship orbiting Mercury? A solar flare appears to hit a hidden object cylindrical on either side with a shape in the middle. If it is a ship, it’s probably full of elderly aliens who wanted to be near Mercury to escape the harsh winters.
Research found the culprit of a 2009 E. coli outbreak was prepackaged cookie dough. 77 people from 30 states became ill from the bad batter. If this is the case, how did countless generations survive the Easy-Bake Oven?
Hulk Hogan is suing his ex, claiming she lied about him having homosexual encounters in her new book. Um, when you wear shredded red and yellow tank tops, you pretty much have to expect us to assume there was at least some homoerotic activity going on.
Runners who participated in the Rock ‘n’ Roll Marathon in Vegas say water passed out during the race made them sick. The drinks came from lined trash cans filled with hydrant water. And, it being Vegas, runners were obligated to a 2-drink minimum.
Stiles Files for March 9, 2012
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Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”! http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com
(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com @TheStilesFiles