Nov 03

The Blog Monologue

 

crackerBank of America dropped its $5 monthly debit card fee after negative customer reaction.  But without the fee, they have to lower their costs, so all future debit cards will be made out of cracker.
(The Real Story)


 

Teddy RooseveltRonald Reagan beat out FDR as the former president Americans would like to have back during these economic times.  Teddy Roosevelt came in 5th, but only because if things get worse, he could at least go hunt big game animals to feed us.
(The Real Story)


 

Ashton KutcherWeeks after 9/11, Dick Cheney informed Condoleezza Rice and George Bush they may have been exposed to botulinum toxin.  For 24 hours, they didn’t know if they’d live or die.  A really inappropriate time for Cheney to cooperate for an episode of “Punk’d,” but whatever.
(The Real Story)


 

gunA 10-year-old SC trick-or-treater pulled a 9mm gun on a woman who teased him she would take his candy.  The rest of the story…the woman then pulled a shotgun on him and made him give her his shoes.  Tough neighborhood.
(The Real Story)


 

DumbledoreFootage has surfaced of a Sudanese man being publicly beheaded in Saudi Arabia for being a “sorcerer.”  Note to self: when going to Halloween party in Saudi Arabia, leave Dumbledore costume at home.
(The Real Story)


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

©2011, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com
    @mikestiles

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Oct 28

The Blog Monologue

 

mathThe income of the richest 1% in the US soared 275% from 1979 to 2007, but the bottom 20% grew by just 18%.  If you don’t understand that math, that could be part of why you’re not in the top 1%.
(The Real Story)


ghostThe economy’s forcing patients with pricey prescriptions to beg docs for free samples.  And it’s going to be an embarrassing Halloween this year when men in their 50’s come around trick-or-treating for Cialis.
(The Real Story)


ship in a bottleA coroner says Amy Winehouse died with empty vodka bottles all over her room.  The verdict is “death by misadventure.”  Though it’s jumping to conclusions about the bottles.  Maybe she was going to build ships in them to take her mind of drinking.
(The Real Story)


killer whaleA federal court is being asked by PETA to grant human constitutional rights to 5 killer whales at marine parks.  One whale was heard to say, “Give me liberty or give me…a fish.  Either one would be fine.”
(The Real Story)


nurse tattooJean Keller, a prison nurse in CA, earned $269,810 last year.  Her take could fund the average salaries of about 25,000 teachers.  And not that she flaunts it, but being a prison nurse, she got “$269,810” tattooed across her back.
(The Real Story)


Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

©2011, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com
    @mikestiles

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Nov 03

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

British scientists say alcohol is a more dangerous drug than both crack and heroin where the combined dangers to the user and others are considered.  Some misunderstood the intent of the study and are now calling for heroin to be sold in kegs.


The Obamas spent 30 minutes handing out Halloween treats to area kids and military families at the White House.  Those not happy with what they got could file for a “treat modification program.”


Experts say with stores of water ice on the moon, there’s no reason not to start mining there.  Loosely translated, all 33 Chilean miners responded “Oh hell no!”


Scores of iPhone users were late to work after a bug caused the alarm clock to fail to account for Daylight Saving Time.  Apple, famous for making customers adapt to their needs, suggested they move to a different time zone so their iPhone would be correct.


A NY Supreme Court said a girl can be sued over accusations she ran over an elderly woman with her training bicycle when she was 4.  87-year-old Claire Menagh underwent surgery for a fractured hip and died 3 months later.  Claire’s lucky she made it that long.  They were filming “Jackass 3D” near her house a year ago.


Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

©2010, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

Tagged with:
Oct 28

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

2panel_InsertCheck out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

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blackjackTaco Bell will hand out free Black Jack tacos in honor of Halloween and the World Series Oct. 31, from 6 pm to midnight.  The value menu item is filled with seasoned beef, lettuce, shredded cheese and pepper jack sauce.
*Meanwhile, crime-ridden Detroit will be handing out real blackjacks.
*At first, Taco Bell was going to honor the World Series by handing out burritos that folded up like the Angels did.

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Castro’s sister collaborated with the CIA after Kennedy’s failed Bay of Pigs invasion of Cuba in 1961.  Juanita Castro supported Fidel’s revolution at first, but grew disillusioned.  The wife of Brazil’s ambassador talked her into meeting a CIA officer.  She gave them info but wouldn’t take any money.
*She cooperated believing JFK’s line that he would dump Marilyn and setting up a secret love villa with her in Havana.
*No woman can be expected to support a revolution where all you get to wear is olive drab.

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mcflurryIceland’s 3 McDonald’s will close next weekend, a victim of falling profits caused by the collapse of the Icelandic currency.  Costs doubled and they couldn’t raise prices.  A Big Mac in Reykjavik already retails for $5.29.
*Plus, McFlurries really aren’t that in demand where the average temperature is 17.
*Plus there was the problem of countless children with their tongues stuck to the outdoor Playlands.
*You know a country’s in trouble when the prize in all the Happy Meals is a job application.

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A report says the healthcare system is as wasteful as Obama says it is, and some reforms could be paid for just by fixing inefficiencies, preventing mistakes and fighting fraud.  The system wastes up to $850 billion a year.  The biggest waster is unnecessary care to provide cover against malpractice suits.  That blows $300 billion a year.
*Ha!  And you thought making “Where the Wild Things Are” was the biggest waste of money ever.
*I know they’re trying to save money, but I’d sure like to know for certain they’re changing the paper you sit on in between appointments.

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matthewJon Gosselin says he returned $180,000 to a joint account he shares with Kate as the couple continues their divorce battle.  He criticized her for not showing up for a court hearing and says she still hasn’t explained how she spent $33,000 in joint funds.
*Matthew McConaughey immediately set up a joint account as well, not realizing it does not mean an account where you save up for joints.
*I think what bothers me the most about this story is that Jon Gosselin has $180,000.

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One of 6 Harvard Med School researchers who got sick after drinking coffee laced with a toxic chemical says he doesn’t see how it could have been an accident.  He immediately noticed a “weird” taste, then felt dizzy and got a rapid heartbeat.
*Isn’t getting a faster heartbeat one of the reasons you drink coffee?
*So the best part of waking up is not toxins in your cup?

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speedyTough-talking former Marine Larry Whitten wanted to turn around a failing hotel in New Mexico, so he forbade Hispanic workers from speaking Spanish in his presence and ordered some to change their names to something more English.  His method worked great at other hotels.  But now he’s a national political correctness target.
*The workers said they’d stop speaking Spanish but the Marine could no longer say “semper fi” because that’s Latin.

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A study says we’re still evolving, despite the view it stopped affecting us because we don’t struggle for the species to survive anymore.  Stout, slightly plump women tend to have more kids, so these traits are being passed from mothers to daughters.  By 2409, the average woman will be 0.8 in shorter, 2.2 lb. heavier, have her first kid 5 months earlier and enter menopause 10 months later.
*Which is rough because when you combine menopause with how hot global warming will have made things by 2409, it’s gonna be tough being around the house with her.
*I don’t think anyone could watch a single episode of “Real Housewives of Atlanta” and say with any confidence we’re evolving.

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3DThe success of 3-D movies in theaters means 3-D TVs could soon be in our homes.  Sony and Panasonic plan to introduce 3-D high-def TVs for the mass market.  You’ll still need to wear those special glasses, though.  3-D showings typically bring in over double the revenue of regular screenings when a movie is offered both ways.
*For crying out loud, you just spent thousands of dollars so you could have a flat panel, now you want things to stick out of it?
*They’re not going to rest until Donny Osmond is ballroom dancing right on my coffee table are they?

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The 22-year-old ESPN production assistant whose affair with baseball analyst Steve Phillips led to his firing also got fired.  ESPN says the ability of the former Mets GM to represent them had been “significantly and irreparably damaged.”  His wife filed for divorce.  In ‘98, he admitted having sex with a Mets employee who sued for sexual harassment.  They fired him in 2003.
*Phillips was caught when he came out of his office pantsless for his “7th inning stretch.”
*He’s also reportedly the first baseball GM to take steroids to “better his performance.”

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paulhaggis“Crash” director Paul Haggis has quit the Church of Scientology, partly because of their stand against gay marriage.  He’d been with the “church” for 35 years.
*Church leaders say they accept people from every walk of life, and they have a closet large enough for everyone to stay in.

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The plunge in newspaper circulation is accelerating as people cancel subscriptions and publishers cut distribution.  Average weekday circulation fell 10.6%.  Only one US paper increased circulation among the top 25…The Wall Street Journal.
*Seriously, I’d have though the Family Circus comic strip alone could keep newspapers in business.  When Billy goes all over the backyard with a dashed line behind him, that’s comedy gold.
*Sometimes, just for old time’s sake, I’ll call my neighborhood paper carrier and complain to him that my computer is wet.

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geckoA man was arrested in Norway smuggling 2 dozen snakes and geckos into the country.  He had 14 royal pythons hidden in stockings duct-taped to his stomach.  The 10 geckos were in boxes taped to his thighs.  He was searched because they found a tarantula in one of his bags.
*If you really want to fill your pants with snakes and get through without unsightly lines and bumps, you should probably wear Spanx.
*Fellow passengers who saw the man’s stomach squirming around said they thought it was the worst case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome they’d ever seen.

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Iowa City police are investigating an assault at a restaurant in which a man accused another of being a zombie, then punched him twice.  The victim was ordering when he was approached by another man who called him a zombie, then hit him in the eye.  When the victim tried to call police on his cell, the man hit him again, breaking his nose before running out a back door.
*The victim said his nose broke easily because his flesh has been decaying rapidly for some reason.
*That’s odd.  Normally it’s the people behind the counter at restaurants you think must be zombies.

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newmanThe driver of a mail truck in North Dakota was arrested for drunk driving after he was found speeding.
*Officers assumed any postal worker who was trying to get the mail delivered accurately and quickly had to be wasted.

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Obama’s only been in office just over 9 months, but he’s already gone golfing as much as Bush did in over 2 years.  He’s played 24 times, most recently with a woman, chief domestic policy adviser Melody Barnes.
*Actually it’s just been one, long continuous golf game.  Obama has as much trouble choosing which club to use as he does deciding on an Afghanistan strategy.

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leno6 weeks after Leno moved to primetime, NBC’s wait-and-see approach to his sinking ratings is testing the patience of affiliates.  The bad ratings are having a ripple effect on local newscasts.  NBC says Leno is a long-term strategy that will play out over 52 weeks.  But plan B is to give the 10pm hour back to the affiliates.
*So?  Stick a flashlight in his hand, call it “CSI: Burbank” and you’ll have ratings.  What’s the problem?

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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Oct 21

(Delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

2panel_InsertCheck out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

________________________________________________________________________

richierichMost young adults think they’ll need to be millionaires before they retire, according to a new poll.  85% of 18 to 29-year-olds say they’ll need at least $1 million.  27% thought they’ll need at least $2 million.  The Census Bureau projects life expectancy will exceed 79 by the year 2015.
*Which is bad because really, you completely run out of fun stuff to do by 67.
*You wouldn’t need so much in retirement if you didn’t have to buy stuff for every single one of your grandkids’ school fundraisers.

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A new survey shows 30% of consumers plan to adjust this year’s travel plans for Thanksgiving.  Only 21% expect their Thanksgiving travel expenses to go down.  Those whose plans are changing will rely more on car travel, and stay away for a shorter time.
*This year “travel plans” mean getting the turkey from Kroger to your house.
*Add to that having to buy the NFL package on satellite TV and there’s just no money for that trip to grandma’s.
*Fortunately in this recession, there’s so much less to be thankful for you can blow through Thanksgiving quicker.

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cheechchongThe Justice Department told prosecutors pot-smoking patients or their sanctioned suppliers should not be targeted in states that allow medical marijuana.  14 states allow some use of marijuana for medical purposes.
*Having accomplished that, some states are moving on to “medical meth.”
*Many doctors misunderstood that it’s not them that gets to smoke the marijuana.
*The measure is designed to save law enforcement money, and stimulate sales of Doritos.

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European astronomers have found 32 new planets outside our solar system, adding evidence to the theory the universe has many places where life could develop.  They didn’t find any planets the size of Earth or any that seemed habitable.  One scientist said, “Nature doesn’t like a vacuum.”
*And neither do cats!
*The Europeans were able to find them because they point their telescopes in the other lane in space.
*The push is on to find other habitable planets since apparently Chicago already isn’t so habitable anymore.

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piglipstickThe pandemic H1N1 flu virus was confirmed for the first time in a US hog, which was exhibited at the Minnesota State Fair where 4 teens became sick.  The discovery does not suggest infection of commercial pigs and the virus is not linked to meat products.
*Experts say the hog contracting the virus was particularly unnecessary because it has a particularly large snout perfect for taking the spray mist vaccine.
*Sarah Palin said, “You can put lipstick on a pig, but that doesn’t mean you have to make out with it and contract the H1N1 virus.”
*Even though the meat is safe, Hormel is putting out a line of “Brown ‘n Serve ‘n Suffer for 3 Weeks” microwave bacon just in case.

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Phil Collins said since he had surgery to repair a dislocated vertebra in his neck, he doesn’t have feeling in his fingers and isn’t able to pick up his drumsticks.  The 58-year-old said the only way he could drum is if he were to “glue drumsticks to my hands.”
*Uh oh, I sense a new national spokesman for Mighty Putty coming on!
*So apparently he CAN’T feel it coming in the air tonight…and CAN’T hold on.
*Collins suffered the neck damage when he got in a fight in an alley with Phillip Bailey over the publishing rights to “She’s an Easy Lover.”

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classifiedsThe New York Times plans to cut 100 newsroom jobs by the end of the year through buyouts and might resort to layoffs as it reels from the ad revenue drop imperiling US newspapers.
*The 100 will temporarily be moved to the classifieds section so they can spend their workdays getting first crack at the want ads.

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A study says national parks launched 11 search-and-rescue operations on average per day.  From 1992 to 2007, there were over 65,000 operations in national parks with costs exceeding $58 million.
*3,000 of those 65,000 were reports of little boys floating away in balloons.
*So apparently, morons getting lost in the woods is even more of a sure thing than Old Faithful.
*I myself got lost in Teddy Roosevelt’s nostril at Mt. Rushmore for 3 days.

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carsalesmanA Massachusetts man who kidnapped a car salesman during a test drive and drove the vehicle over 1,000 miles was arrested in Wisconsin.  The salesman was able to get out when the car slowed at a tollbooth near the Massachusetts state line.
*The salesman said, as expected, “So tell me, what do I have to do to get me out of this car today?”
*His plan was to drive it until it became a clunker he could get cash for.

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The most famous Halloween costume of the year so far is the Illegal Alien.  You get a space alien mask, an orange prison-style jumpsuit with ‘Illegal Alien’ on the front, and a ‘green card.’  One group said it’s “distasteful, mean-spirited and ignorant of social stigmas and current debate on immigration reform.”
*Wow, I hope my daughter’s “candy corn witch” costume is empowering and conscious of social stigmas and conforms to current trends in public policy…do you have to do all that to win a costume contest now?
*The best thing about the costume is if you get injured bobbing for apples, you’ll get free healthcare in an ER!
*And true to the joke, you can even hire the costume just for the day.

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hasselhoff2David Hasselhoff is close to a deal with A&E for a reality series with David and his kids.
*The show, tentatively titled “Help Me Get Daddy Up Off the Floor,” would premier in February.
*The show hasn’t even been shot yet and it’s claiming to be a huge hit in Germany.

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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Oct 14

(Delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

2panel_InsertCheck out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

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nurseInsurance companies bluntly warned health care legislation will drive up premiums if you already have coverage.  They say not making more Americans get covered plus keeping them from denying coverage based on bad health will cause people to sign up only when they get sick.
*It’s kinda like signing up to sing karaoke only when you’re drunk.
*Is there an insurance application right there in the back of the report the death panel gives you?
*What they’re saying is the “good hands people” will now be required to carry a light in those hands in case you feel like a smoke.

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The FBI has started using face-recognition technology on millions of motorists, comparing your driver’s license photos with pictures of wanted fugitives.  Hope you don’t look like any of them.  Critics call it an “involuntary virtual lineup.”
*Hardly fair since everyone’s driver’s license photo makes them look like a fugitive.
*The high-tech approach was proposed when the cheaper method of hiring blind people to go around randomly feeling faces was ruled out.

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cubsThe Chicago Cubs filed for Chapter 11, which will let their owner sell them in an $845 million deal.  The filing is part of Tribune’s plans to sell the Cubs, Wrigley Field and related properties to the family of billionaire Joe Ricketts, founder of Ameritrade.
*Finally the Cubs can now legally tell their fans, “we don’t owe you a thing.”
*I knew it wouldn’t be long before some team would play their games someplace called “Foreclosure Field.”

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A Pittsburgh man slept soundly as his home caught on fire and partially collapsed.  It wasn’t until firefighters did a walk-through over 2 hours later he woke up.  He had no idea what was going on.
*That’s what he gets for falling asleep while watching “Backdraft” on HBO.
*In fact, historians now say Mrs. O’Leary’s cow kicked over the lantern that started the great Chicago fire because it was asleep and had restless legs syndrome.
*He thought he was burning hot through the night and woke up soaking wet because he dreamt he was on a date with Megan Fox.

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rickyA fugitive who avoided prosecution for over 4 decades after hijacking a 1968 Pan Am flight to Cuba voluntarily returned to the US and surrendered.  66-year-old Luis Soltren wanted to return to see his wife and other family members.
*He meant to come back much earlier but didn’t think ahead enough to hijack a roundtrip flight.
*To get back, he had to hijack a raft made from a door strapped to 50 soccer balls.

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The Rev. Al Sharpton wants the NFL to block Rush Limbaugh from bidding on the St. Louis Rams, saying he’s been divisive and “anti-NFL” in some of his comments.
*”Anti-NFL” meaning you show up for all practices, don’t put on dogfights or shoot yourself in the leg?

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thisisitThe new Michael Jackson song hit the net and airwaves, the first from an upcoming musical documentary.  “This Is It” features backing vocals from his brothers and was co-written by Paul Anka, who’s been promised “whatever he wants” not to create any legal problems about it.
*Unfortunately, all he asked for was 8th row seats to the next “American Idols On Tour” concert.
*Brooke Hogan also put out a song called “This is It,” but mainly because that really was it.

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In southern Indiana, a great horned owl flew through the dark in front of a moving Ford F-250 pickup and survived even though the collision crushed the truck’s radiator.  It stayed in the grill until it was removed by Natural Resources.  It was conscious and appeared to have a broken or dislocated wing.
*Why did he stay in the grill?  Was he waiting for Christopher Robin and Pooh to come rescue him?
*The owl said he only went for it because he thought the truck was the biggest f’in mouse he’d ever seen.
*Wow, you don’t need to be able to turn your head around 360-degrees to know you’re screwed in that situation.

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moonA German man mooning railway staff in a departing train got his pants caught in a carriage door and ended up being dragged half naked along the platform, out of the station and onto the tracks.  The 22-year-old student shoved his backside against the window after staff kicked him off for traveling without a ticket.
*I think the same thing happened to the kids on the way to Hogwart’s one time.

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Police in the Kansas college town of Lawrence arrested a 21-year-old man who stole an ambulance to get home after a night of drinking.  The ambulance crew parked it while responding to a medical emergency.  The thief led police on a brief, low-speed chase.
*Fortunately he was so drunk that he pulled over when he heard his own siren.
*If you’re that wasted, it seems like you’d crash in that convenient bed in the back rather than get behind the wheel.
*That’s nothing, last week he stole a mail truck and delivered beers to every house on the route.

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cucumberA rainy spring in some parts of the country has led to a pumpkin shortage.  Pennsylvania farmers are seeing yields down 50 to 70%.  Some seedlings washed away, others say their crop is delayed, meaning they might not be big or orange enough by Halloween.
*You’d think that wouldn’t be such a big deal, but jack-o-lanterns made out of cucumbers just aren’t that scary.

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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Oct 07

(Delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

2panel_InsertCheck out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

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apple-logo1A study shows households with Apple computers are richer than PC people, and they tend to buy hot new products before anyone else.  About 12% of US households with computers have Macs, up from 9% in 2008.
*Fortunately, Quicken works on both PC and Mac so you can see how little money you have or how much you’ve blown on the latest toy.
*Remember the good old days when guys used women as status symbols?
*What if we still own the Commodore 64 we got in 1983, how are we doing?

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3 Americans won the Nobel prize in medicine for discovering how chromosomes protect themselves as cells divide, work that’s inspired experimental cancer therapies and may offer insights into aging.  Their work was done in the 70s and 80s.
*You mean to tell me the person who decided the safest place to cough is into the fold of your elbow didn’t win?!
*I think one of them should have gone to the poor sap that had to list all the side effects of Ambien in the TV commercials.
*Here’s one insight into aging…you’ll probably die before you’ll win a Nobel prize.

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shroudItalian scientists reproduced the Shroud of Turin, claimed by some to be the cloth that covered Jesus in the tomb, and say that proves it’s a medieval man-made forgery.  They used only tools and items that would have been available in the 13th and 14th centuries.
*Scientists say the idea the Shroud is as real as say, the Cloak of Invisibility in Harry Potter, is just absurd.
*Besides, Jesus was perfect, so he would never have left behind dirty sheets.
*The scientists are now working on the Shroud of Sophia Loren, stained with all kinds of makeup.

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The CBS producer accused of blackmailing Letterman used pages from a former assistant’s diary that described an affair with him.  34-year-old Stephanie Birkitt used to live with Robert Halderman, the alleged blackmailer.  Meanwhile, an ex-intern revealed Dave keeps a bachelor pad atop the Ed Sullivan Theater.
*Ed used it too, but only to practice making funny faces at himself in the mirror.
*Still, it was awkward for the women he took to the suite because Paul Schaffer was still there to laugh at everything he said.

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moneybagClerks at an Iowa convenience store that was robbed twice in recent months thought they were being robbed again and threw money at a man who was just a customer.  Even though the customer was drunk, he just left the bag of money alone and walked out.
*Okay, I know they’re called convenience stores but that’s making it just a little too convenient.
*The customer thought the clerks were just showing him how much the lottery jackpot was up to this week.
*The man returned the very next night hoping they would throw a 40 of Miller Lite at him.

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Conde Nast shut down 4 magazines, including Gourmet, parenthood title Cookie and 2 bridal magazines, Modern Bride and Elegant Bride.
*The magazines will be replaced with more recession-relevant titles like Free Magazine, Car & Home, Elegant Foreclosures, and Joblessweek.

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norwayNorway is number one in the annual UN human development index, but China made the biggest gains.  Criteria is life expectancy, literacy, school enrolment and gross domestic product per capita.  Niger ranks at the very bottom, just below Afghanistan.  We ranked 13th, down one from last year.
*Every year the UN creates this list so that it will know exactly which countries it’s not helping at all are on the bottom.
*Just getting 2-ply toilet paper into the country was enough to rocket China ahead 7 spaces.
*Norway attributes their long life expectancies to the absence of celebrity doctors.

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An Ohio couple gave their vows at a Halloween-themed wedding.  61-year-old Jack Holsinger and 44-year-old Connie Spitznagel were both made up as vampires for their scare-emoney at a haunted house near Cleveland.  The minister was dressed as Jason from the “Friday the 13th” movies.
*Let’s see if that’s half as horrifying as the divorce proceedings are going to be down the road.
*Seriously, aren’t bridesmaids dresses scary enough even at normal weddings?
*I take it garlic chicken was not an entrée choice at the reception?

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gunsA London campaign warning girls not to stash or carry guns for their boyfriends was launched by police.  “Those who store and carry guns for others are partly responsible for the crimes committed with those weapons.  The consequences for them, their families and their friends are worth thinking about.”
*The first slogan of “Tell your man to keep it in his holster” was quickly voted down.
*It all evens out because later on in life, the women always make their guys hold their purses for them in public.
*Carrying the guns is risky, but they sure come in handy when there’s a fight over a big shoe sale.

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Backstreet Boy Brian Litrell has Swine Flu.  Having the H1N1 virus, he’s probably suffering symptoms like a fever over 100.4 °F, sore throat, headache, chills, muscle aches, diarrhea and vomiting.  The 3 others are okay but have been prescribed Tamiflu just in case.
*N’Sync’s Lance Bass said he knows exactly how Brian feels because he thinks he might have an ingrown leg hair.
*Can we call this what it really is, a pathetic attempt to get on Dr. Oz to promote another tour attempt?
*It is kinda convenient being a music star when you’re sick, because a roadie always rushes out to grab the used Kleenex you throw to the floor.

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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