(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)
Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”! www.notoriousdadmusic.com
Aflac, sponsor of Carl Edwards and the No. 99 Ford Fusion, will team with ScottsMiracle-Gro to give the company primary sponsorship for 6 Sprint Cup races in the 2010 season.
*Being a racecar driver is cool, but putting a horn in Edwards’ car that sounds like the Aflac duck kinda takes the macho out of it for him.
*Still, I think it’s poor sportsmanship that the Miracle-Gro logo on the back of the car says “Grow Pansies Bigger than Jeff Gordon.”
The Dept. of Agriculture said pigs in a commercial herd in Indiana tested positive for swine flu, the first time it’s been found in such hogs. They have a swine surveillance program. Officials still say pigs with swine flu don’t pose a threat to consumers of pork products.
*Seems like it’d be easy to get the flu mist up their noses since they have such big snouts.
*Being a swine surveillance expert sucks. You have to hide in a bucket of slop.
Tom Hanks produced a 4-D film, “Beyond All Boundaries,” for the WWII Museum in New Orleans. Audiences can feel the rumbling of tanks and booms of anti-aircraft fire. Hanks said, “There’s actual things that pop up, elements that come into it that put you in the environment.”
*And while there might have been sticky soda on the floor in WWII, that’s just the theater, it’s not meant to be part of the tribute.
*Only sad thing at the premiere was when the anti-aircraft fire started going off, Hanks ran all over the theater looking to save his friend Bubba.
In honor of the movie “2012,” Live Science listed other doomsday predictions that didn’t pan out.
-In Leeds in 1806, a hen began laying eggs on which “Christ is coming” was written. It was a hoax.
*Sadly, this later led to people not believing it when they started seeing “grade A” on eggs.
-A New England farmer concluded based on scripture God would end the world April 23, 1843. Followers sold or gave away their possession, then disbanded when nothing happened.
*This was particular difficult and tragic because it was long before Craigslist.
-In 1891, Joseph Smith, founder of the Mormon Church, said God told him Jesus would return within the next 56 years.
*And when he did, they’d all finally be allowed to drink caffeine!
-In 1881, an astronomer realized Earth would pass through the tail of Halley’s comet in 1910, bathing us in deadly toxic gas. There was widespread panic.
*In later years, others warned about the dangers of passing through Anna Nicole Smith’s tail.
-When comet Hale-Bopp appeared in ‘97, rumors surfaced an alien spacecraft was following it. Rumors on a radio show inspired a San Diego UFO cult to decide the world would end soon, so 39 of them killed themselves.
*Plus the group had grown despondent after years of never winning any of the contests on the radio station.
-One of Nostradamus’ most famous quatrains read, “The year 1999, seventh month / From the sky will come great king of terror.”
*Turns out he was just predicting one of Prince’s most successful albums.
-In the Y2K scare, no one was sure if computers would think it was 2000 or 1900, so everything from blackouts to nuclear holocaust was expected. Gun sales jumped and people prepared to live in bunkers.
*Those people that moved into bunkers are actually the only ones who didn’t get wiped out in this real estate bust.
-Richard Noone wrote in a 1997 book the Antarctic ice mass would be 3 miles thick by May 5, 2000, a date in which the planets would be aligned, resulting in a global icy death.
*He also wrote, “Mrs. Brown you have a lovely daughter.” Oh wait, that was Peter Noone of Herman’s Hermits.
On her book tour, Sarah Palin is avoiding places like Seattle, San Francisco, Philadelphia, LA and other major cities where voters tend to be democrats. Locations include Grand Rapids, Cincinnati, Columbus, Roanoke, the Army post at Fort Bragg, NC, Orlando, and Albuquerque.
*She gets a little nervous whenever she’s anywhere that she can’t see Russia from.
*She’s doing it because friendly crowds just treat her better, and they don’t make fun of the fact she’s wearing fishing waders in a bookstore.
Microsoft is cutting 800 more jobs. That’s in addition to the 5,000 layoffs announced in January. They won’t say what specific product groups or job types are affected.
*Of course, laid off employees there get blue screens instead of pink slips.
Airlines are cutting money-losing flights. That can spell trouble for you if you bought your ticket months in advance. Most will offer a refund if they put you on a new flight that arrives over 90 minutes earlier or later than you planned. Experts say if they send you an e-mail with a new itinerary, check it closely.
*If it comes with a picture of a squirrel Photoshopped into the cockpit, it might not be genuine.
*Passengers are just happy they’re waiting for flights to land before cutting them.
*We are just 3 months away from passenger airlines being paid by Monsanto to dust crops on their way into and out of airports.
“Hell’s Kitchen’s” Gordon Ramsay signed a deal with Fox for a second show. “Masterchef” will feature Ramsay trying to turn people who have no experience in the food industry into expert cooks.
*It’s kinda like trying to turn Reuben Studdard into a major music star.
*They had to change the name when they found out there’s already a show on Showtime After Dark called “Masterbaker.”
72-year-old LA doctor Levon Tebelekian is accused of giving medical clearance to immigrants applying for visas by allegedly falsifying the results of medical exams and lab tests. In one case, he allegedly told an undercover agent he wasn’t going to “disturb his blood” and he “didn’t look like he had AIDS.”
*Could he have at least taught them to always cough into the bend of their elbows?
*Officials are pretty sure the exams were fake because as many as 47 male construction workers got time off to have babies.
27-year-old Aaron Siebers, a Blockbuster employee in Denver, was skateboarding when he ripped his uniform pants. So instead of calling in sick, he stabbed himself in the leg and showed up at work claiming to have been attacked by 3 Hispanic males. He finally admitted to cops he was lying.
*He also got stuck, claiming his attackers tried to shove him through the DVD return slot.
*So somebody tell Elton John to stop with the lies about flu and e-coli and get his faking self back on that stage.
Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader Whitney Isleib went politically incorrect on Halloween, dressing up in blackface as rapper Lil’ Wayne. Photos were all over the net. No one from the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders or the team has officially commented yet.
*No one was more surprised at the controversy than Whitney, who thought she was dressed up as Kanye West.
*Jesse Jackson has firmly asked that all of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders be sent to his house to apologize and for a weekend-long sensitivity training session.
For the first time in over 2 years, CNN fell out of the top 30 cable channels last week in prime time. Fox News ranked 3rd, behind USA and ESPN, while MSNBC was 26th. Their election coverage came in 4th among the news channels.
*When Animal Planet is getting higher election coverage ratings than you are, you’ve got serious problems.
*Newscasts will now be anchored by Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends while wrestlers pummel each other in the background.
*”We now go to our foreign correspondent…Dora the Explorer.”
A Brazilian bricklayer thought killed in a car crash shocked his mourning family by showing up alive at his funeral. Relatives had identified the body…wrongly. He’d spent the night at a truck stop drinking a sugarcane liquor with friends and didn’t hear about his own funeral until it was already happening.
*If no one can tell you apart from a mangled crash victim, it’s pretty much time to start auditioning for cable makeover shows.
*There’s nothing like sugarcane liquor to help you forget that you’re dead.
If Michael Jackson was innocent of those things he was accused of, how could that young boy accurately describe his genitals in court? Finally an explanation. One of his doctors, Dr. Kelin, says Michael liked to pee for an audience. Thought it was hysterical. Klein says there were numerous times when Jackson would pee around groups of people, including children.
*Maybe that’s why he kept grabbing it, he had to go constantly.
*In fact, the followup album to “Thriller” was going to be called “Whizzer.”
©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC