Feb 22

mobile videoYouTube is creating tons more original programming since 18-34 year olds are watching video on phones, tablets and computers.  What’s sad are the ones who watch the same video over and over on their phone and complain there’s nothing on but repeats.
(The Real Story) 


 

wedgieA growing number of teens and even younger kids who think they were born the wrong sex are getting support from parents and docs who give them sex-changing treatments.  These include getting an atomic wedgie in PE.
(The Real Story)  


 

cowThe world’s first “test-tube” meat, a burger made from a cow’s stem cells, will be produced this fall.  No way!  Before I eat a burger I demand to know who the father is!
(The Real Story)  


 

Chris TuckerBritain is facing a “massive” rise in antibiotic-resistant blood poisoning caused by E.coli, bringing closer the possibility of diseases impossible to treat.  Officials say the diseases resist antibiotics like Chris Tucker resists taxes.
(The Real Story)  


 

Elton JohnElton John came down with a nasty case of food poisoning in Vegas and had to cancel a show at Caesars Palace.  His stomach was so bad, he was lighting candles in the wind just as a courtesy to those near the restroom.
(The Real Story)  


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

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Jan 05

Bookmark the main Stiles Files site for the 10 funniest things on the web daily

 

Police dogThe Supreme Court may decide whether or not a police K-9′s sniff outside a house represents an unconstitutional search.  Any creature allowed to clean themselves in public the way they do have pretty much already gotten around the Constitution.
(The Real Story) 


 

sharkScientists discovered the world’s first hybrid sharks in Australia, a potential sign they’re adapting to climate change.  They start inbreeding with their cousins once they get in them southern waters.
(The Real Story)  


 

John AdamsElton wants Justin Timberlake to play him in his biopic, “Rocket Man.”  He calls it a “jukebox musical” about his life in the manner of a “Moulin Rouge!”  Which was also the original concept for HBO’s “John Adams” series.
(The Real Story)  


 

librarianA Boston area mom says her local library sent cops to their house to collect her daughter’s overdue library books.  There are now numerous calls to put that librarian in charge of America’s immigration policy.
(The Real Story)  


 

retireesA 91-year-old in SC married her 92-year-old fiancé at a retirement home.  The two had been friends for over 40 years.  Her son says it’s given mom a new zest for life.  Mostly because she keeps forgetting who he is, so it’s like having a whirlwind affair every week.
(The Real Story)  


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

 

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Nov 06

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

2panel_InsertCheck out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

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aflacAflac, sponsor of Carl Edwards and the No. 99 Ford Fusion, will team with ScottsMiracle-Gro to give the company primary sponsorship for 6 Sprint Cup races in the 2010 season.
*Being a racecar driver is cool, but putting a horn in Edwards’ car that sounds like the Aflac duck kinda takes the macho out of it for him.
*Still, I think it’s poor sportsmanship that the Miracle-Gro logo on the back of the car says “Grow Pansies Bigger than Jeff Gordon.”

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The Dept. of Agriculture said pigs in a commercial herd in Indiana tested positive for swine flu, the first time it’s been found in such hogs.  They have a swine surveillance program.  Officials still say pigs with swine flu don’t pose a threat to consumers of pork products.
*Seems like it’d be easy to get the flu mist up their noses since they have such big snouts.
*Being a swine surveillance expert sucks.  You have to hide in a bucket of slop.

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gumpTom Hanks produced a 4-D film, “Beyond All Boundaries,” for the WWII Museum in New Orleans.  Audiences can feel the rumbling of tanks and booms of anti-aircraft fire.  Hanks said, “There’s actual things that pop up, elements that come into it that put you in the environment.”
*And while there might have been sticky soda on the floor in WWII, that’s just the theater, it’s not meant to be part of the tribute.
*Only sad thing at the premiere was when the anti-aircraft fire started going off, Hanks ran all over the theater looking to save his friend Bubba.

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In honor of the movie “2012,” Live Science listed other doomsday predictions that didn’t pan out.
goldegg-In Leeds in 1806, a hen began laying eggs on which “Christ is coming” was written.  It was a hoax.
*Sadly, this later led to people not believing it when they started seeing “grade A” on eggs.

-A New England farmer concluded based on scripture God would end the world April 23, 1843.  Followers sold or gave away their possession, then disbanded when nothing happened.
*This was particular difficult and tragic because it was long before Craigslist.
coke-In 1891, Joseph Smith, founder of the Mormon Church, said God told him Jesus would return within the next 56 years.
*And when he did, they’d all finally be allowed to drink caffeine!

-In 1881, an astronomer realized Earth would pass through the tail of Halley’s comet in 1910, bathing us in deadly toxic gas.  There was widespread panic.
*In later years, others warned about the dangers of passing through Anna Nicole Smith’s tail.
heavensgate-When comet Hale-Bopp appeared in ‘97, rumors surfaced an alien spacecraft was following it.  Rumors on a radio show inspired a San Diego UFO cult to decide the world would end soon, so 39 of them killed themselves.
*Plus the group had grown despondent after years of never winning any of the contests on the radio station.
-One of Nostradamus’ most famous quatrains read, “The year 1999, seventh month / From the sky will come great king of terror.”
*Turns out he was just predicting one of Prince’s most successful albums.
y2k-In the Y2K scare, no one was sure if computers would think it was 2000 or 1900, so everything from blackouts to nuclear holocaust was expected.  Gun sales jumped and people prepared to live in bunkers.
*Those people that moved into bunkers are actually the only ones who didn’t get wiped out in this real estate bust.

-Richard Noone wrote in a 1997 book the Antarctic ice mass would be 3 miles thick by May 5, 2000, a date in which the planets would be aligned, resulting in a global icy death.
*He also wrote, “Mrs. Brown you have a lovely daughter.”  Oh wait, that was Peter Noone of Herman’s Hermits.

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sarahpalinOn her book tour, Sarah Palin is avoiding places like Seattle, San Francisco, Philadelphia, LA and other major cities where voters tend to be democrats.  Locations include Grand Rapids, Cincinnati, Columbus, Roanoke, the Army post at Fort Bragg, NC, Orlando, and Albuquerque.
*She gets a little nervous whenever she’s anywhere that she can’t see Russia from.
*She’s doing it because friendly crowds just treat her better, and they don’t make fun of the fact she’s wearing fishing waders in a bookstore.

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Microsoft is cutting 800 more jobs.  That’s in addition to the 5,000 layoffs announced in January.  They won’t say what specific product groups or job types are affected.
*Of course, laid off employees there get blue screens instead of pink slips.

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squirrelatlakeAirlines are cutting money-losing flights.  That can spell trouble for you if you bought your ticket months in advance.  Most will offer a refund if they put you on a new flight that arrives over 90 minutes earlier or later than you planned.  Experts say if they send you an e-mail with a new itinerary, check it closely.
*If it comes with a picture of a squirrel Photoshopped into the cockpit, it might not be genuine.
*Passengers are just happy they’re waiting for flights to land before cutting them.
*We are just 3 months away from passenger airlines being paid by Monsanto to dust crops on their way into and out of airports.

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“Hell’s Kitchen’s” Gordon Ramsay signed a deal with Fox for a second show.  “Masterchef” will feature Ramsay trying to turn people who have no experience in the food industry into expert cooks.
*It’s kinda like trying to turn Reuben Studdard into a major music star.
*They had to change the name when they found out there’s already a show on Showtime After Dark called “Masterbaker.”

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drsmith72-year-old LA doctor Levon Tebelekian is accused of giving medical clearance to immigrants applying for visas by allegedly falsifying the results of medical exams and lab tests.  In one case, he allegedly told an undercover agent he wasn’t going to “disturb his blood” and he “didn’t look like he had AIDS.”
*Could he have at least taught them to always cough into the bend of their elbows?
*Officials are pretty sure the exams were fake because as many as 47 male construction workers got time off to have babies.

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27-year-old Aaron Siebers, a Blockbuster employee in Denver, was skateboarding when he ripped his uniform pants.  So instead of calling in sick, he stabbed himself in the leg and showed up at work claiming to have been attacked by 3 Hispanic males.  He finally admitted to cops he was lying.
*He also got stuck, claiming his attackers tried to shove him through the DVD return slot.
*So somebody tell Elton John to stop with the lies about flu and e-coli and get his faking self back on that stage.

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dallascheerleaderDallas Cowboys Cheerleader Whitney Isleib went politically incorrect on Halloween, dressing up in blackface as rapper Lil’ Wayne.  Photos were all over the net.  No one from the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders or the team has officially commented yet.
*No one was more surprised at the controversy than Whitney, who thought she was dressed up as Kanye West.
*Jesse Jackson has firmly asked that all of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders be sent to his house to apologize and for a weekend-long sensitivity training session.

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For the first time in over 2 years, CNN fell out of the top 30 cable channels last week in prime time.  Fox News ranked 3rd, behind USA and ESPN, while MSNBC was 26th.  Their election coverage came in 4th among the news channels.
*When Animal Planet is getting higher election coverage ratings than you are, you’ve got serious problems.
*Newscasts will now be anchored by Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends while wrestlers pummel each other in the background.
*”We now go to our foreign correspondent…Dora the Explorer.”

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funeralA Brazilian bricklayer thought killed in a car crash shocked his mourning family by showing up alive at his funeral.  Relatives had identified the body…wrongly.  He’d spent the night at a truck stop drinking a sugarcane liquor with friends and didn’t hear about his own funeral until it was already happening.
*If no one can tell you apart from a mangled crash victim, it’s pretty much time to start auditioning for cable makeover shows.
*There’s nothing like sugarcane liquor to help you forget that you’re dead.

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If Michael Jackson was innocent of those things he was accused of, how could that young boy accurately describe his genitals in court?  Finally an explanation.  One of his doctors, Dr. Kelin, says Michael liked to pee for an audience.  Thought it was hysterical.  Klein says there were numerous times when Jackson would pee around groups of people, including children.
*Maybe that’s why he kept grabbing it, he had to go constantly.
*In fact, the followup album to “Thriller” was going to be called “Whizzer.”

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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Oct 30

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

2panel_InsertCheck out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

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dishwasherObama said the government set aside $3.4 billion in Smart Grid Investment Grants.  They’re going to build a system so your utility can monitor your appliances from afar, and tell them to operate using less power during peak times.  You’ll be “encouraged” to install the meters that will allow that.
*Well, I was hoping for smart kid investment grants, but seizing control of my dishwasher is worthwhile too I suppose.
*If they can control your appliances, all I’ve got to say is Rush Limbaugh better keep his toaster as far away from his bathtub as possible.

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NASA tried to launch its new rocket , but clouds and high wind made it a no-go.  The Ares I-X rocket is the first step in NASA’s tentative back-to-the-moon program.  Plus, a cargo ship strayed into an ocean danger zone under the flight path.  The experimental flight will last just 2 minutes and carries no payload.
*If we don’t have a rocket yet that can bust through a cloud, should we really be talking about going back to the moon at all?
*The launch was also delayed because a rapper also named Ares I-X issued a trademark infringement suit.

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sarahpalinSarah Palin says she got at least $1.25 million for her upcoming book “Going Rogue.”  And that’s just a retainer.  The book shot to No. 1 on Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.com and Sarah will be on “Oprah” the day before the book’s release.
*Even Elton John’s upcoming book, “Going Rouge” didn’t get that kind of advance.
*The book is kind of a rip-off seeing as how 4 chapters of it are all ice-fishing tips.

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SC lawmakers won’t consider impeaching Gov. Mark Sanford yet.  They have an abbreviated session and it’s specifically to deal with unemployment benefits.  Some want Sanford to lose his job for skipping the state for 5 days to rendezvous with his Argentine lover.
*Plus they wants to give him time to see if he can score with women from even more countries.
*Many legislators said, “you know who has great unemployment benefits we should go study?  Argentina!”

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medicalrecordsNY’s Attorney General says you’ll soon be able to find impartial info about out-of-network health care costs on a new web site.  The site will also give you info on how much you’re likely to be reimbursed by your insurance company for using doctors outside their network.
*On the site, you’ll even be able to play medical themed video games like “Skull Halo 3,” “Mario Crashkart,” and “Resident Polyp.”
*You know who’ll soon be out-of-network is Jay Leno.

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Kansas City Chiefs running back Larry Johnson was told to stay away from the team while the NFL investigates his use of a homosexual slur twice this week.  Johnson apologized but it’s not enough for a gay rights advocacy organization.  Johnson questioned coach Todd Haley’s football credentials on his Twitter account when he used the slur.  Then he used it again when he told reporters he wouldn’t comment.
*The way things are going, if you call one of Santa’s 8 reindeer “Prancer” you’ll get sent off to a special reorientation camp.
*I don’t know what that Japanese line judge heard, but Johnson was calling for a yellow flag.  Flag!

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TalibanThe defense bill Obama signs into law Wednesday contains a provision that would pay Taliban fighters who renounce the insurgency.  It’s similar to one in Iraq.  Reaching out to moderate Taliban is a part of the Obama’s strategy.
*Plus, if that Taliban finds 4 Taliban to join him, then each of them finds 4 Taliban, they’d get residual checks every month!
*It’s kind of like going swimming in a river of moderate piranha.

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Microsoft is pulling out as sponsor of a “Family Guy” variety show, just 2 weeks after announcing its sole sponsorship of “Family Guy Presents: Seth & Alex’s Almost Live Comedy Show.”  The special includes riffs on deaf people, the Holocaust, feminine hygiene and incest.  Fox will air the show with a new, as-yet-undisclosed sponsor.
*And we can probably safely assume it’s not the Society for the Hearing Impaired Jewish Women of West Virginia.

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vanillaiceA photographer and an architect plan to freeze one of Detroit’s thousands of abandoned homes this winter, encasing it in ice to draw attention to foreclosures.  In the spring, crews will salvage what building materials can be reused and demolish it.  The lot will be donated, probably for a community garden.
*Great, as if house hunting wasn’t hard enough as it is, now you have to choose between cubed and crushed.
*On the bright side, it’s hard to get evicted if your tongue is stuck to the door frame.

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2 Chicago men who were schoolmates in Pakistan plotted terrorist attacks against a Danish newspaper that triggered widespread protests by printing cartoons depicting the Prophet Muhammad.  Any depiction of the prophet, even a favorable one, is frowned on by Islamic law.
*The plot fell apart when they got to the newspaper office and found out everyone had been laid off because newspapers are becoming extinct.
*The men failed to carry out the plot when they decided a Danish sounded pretty good, so they went to a bakery instead.

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UGAAn Athens, GA woman scared off a would-be burglar by acting like a dog.  She got on the floor and began scratching at the door and pretending to be a large dog when the man tried turning the woman’s door knob.  The man, who appeared to be homeless, quickly ran from the porch.
*Police were so impressed with what she’d done they threw her a treat and scratched her behind the ear.
*The woman’s story took a sad turn just one week later when a home invader broke in and smacked her over the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

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“Survivor” winner Richard Hatch says he’s the victim of a “witch hunt” by federal prosecutors.  He finished a tax evasion sentence earlier this month, then complained on the “Today” show he was taken from his sister’s apartment in boxers in August and put in solitary for 30 days.  Police say he actually refused to get dressed and was never in solitary.
*Once he knew the prosecutors were on a witch hunt, why didn’t he just show them the way to Kathy Griffin’s house?

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chimpA man who sneaked a bag of his feces into a San Diego courtroom during his home-invasion robbery trial, smeared it on his lawyer and threw it at jurors was sentenced to 31 years.  That’s for robbery, burglary and 2 assault charges for the poop-flinging.  He’d asked for a mistrial because he thought jurors saw him in restraints when he entered the courtroom.
*The defendant was acting as his own chimpanzee.
*When will defendants learn that making a motion isn’t the same thing as having a movement?

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A would-be bank robber in Poland held a teaspoon to the neck of a cashier pretending it was a knife.  The 2 women weren’t fooled and scared him away with their screaming.
*The robber was tremendously embarrassed and says that next time, he’s going to get really gangster on them and use a spork.
*That’s nothing, the very next week he tried robbing a store using the old “spoon stuck to the nose” trick as a disguise.
*I can never remember proper etiquette, does the spoon go on the right or left side of your victim’s neck?

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facebookFacebook said it will “memorialize” profiles of the dead if friends or family want.  They’ll remove any contact info and bar people from logging in.  The profile also won’t appear in the “suggestions” section, and only confirmed friends could find them in a search.
*Or perhaps maybe a psychic medium.
*Profiles will automatically be linked to the “Fans of Cremation” group.

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CNN will hit a new low with its prime-time shows in October, finishing fourth, which is dead last, among cable news networks.  Their shows were behind not only Fox News and MSNBC, but even their own HLN.  That demonstrated again the apparent preference for opinion shows in prime time.  The only CNN show that didn’t finish last was Larry King, which beat HLN’s Joy Behar.
*When Anderson Cooper starts wishing he was back hosting “The Mole” on ABC, things have gotten really bad.
*I think people tune in to Larry King every night just to see if he’s still alive.

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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Sep 15

(Delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

donkeyHow ‘bout that Kanye West?  Grabs the mic away from 19-year-old Taylor Swift during her acceptance speech for Best Female Video at the VMA’s and yells that the award should have gone to Beyonce.  Beyonce looked mortified.
*How smart can you be when you risk getting millions of good ol’ boy country fans extremely pissed off at you…and you already have a history of using a Katrina relief telethon to say George Bush doesn’t care about black people?

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Among hurdles facing Obama’s plan to revamp health care is a shortage of primary care physicians.  Adding 50 million uninsured will further stress the system and could force newly insured right back into ERs for routine care.  The US will need to add another 40,000 doctors over the next decade.
*When people are looking up Dr. Pepper in the yellow pages and calling to try and get an appointment, there aren’t enough doctors.
*When you ask your auto mechanic if the only tailpipes he checks are on cars, there aren’t enough doctors.
*When you’re injured and your first reaction is to seek out a cub scout with a CPR badge, there aren’t enough doctors.

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choculaCertain cops in Idaho and Texas are being trained to draw blood from drunk or drugged driving suspects.  If it works, the Highway Traffic Safety Administration wants cops nationwide to be allowed to jab needles in you and draw blood out of you if you get pulled.  And unlike breath tests, you can’t refuse.
*There’s your answer to health care right there.  To get a free blood test, all you’ve got to do is get wasted and drive!
*The program is called “Operation Twilight.”
*Can we take blood from them to check their donut sugar level?

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Elton John and his partner are trying to adopt a Ukrainian toddler named Lev they met during an orphanage tour there.  He knows bureaucracy may make it impossible, there’s lack of formal adoption protocol between England and the Ukraine.  But his partner is Canadian.
*“Lev” translated from Ukrainian means “he who doesn’t want his parents to show up for his football games when he’s older.”
*The risk of Billy Joel being asked to babysit is enough for the adoption to get denied.

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paulie70 former convicts in Italy, including muggers, drug traffickers and con artists, have been hired as tour guides so they can use their inside knowledge of the underworld to keep visitors safe.
*So basically, these tourists are paying for “protection”?
*Not that they’re intimidating, but each tourist usually leaves having bought 14 snow globes.
*Tourists see such famous sites as the Colosseum, the Spanish Steps, and the inside of Antonio’s trunk.

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A 114-year-old New Hampshire woman who loves the Red Sox, Hershey’s Kisses and ice cream is believed to be the oldest American.  Mary Ray secured the title after the death of Gertrude Baines Friday in LA.
*It’s like winning Miss America, only it’s a sure-thing the runner-up is going to have to assume the title soon.

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colonialTens of thousands fed up with government spending marched on the US Capitol Saturday.  The numbers surprised officials and the massive turnout went largely unreported in the media.  Some even wore colonial costumes.
*Others, who claimed to have been sent from the past in a time machine invented by Ben Franklin, blew their cover when they asked where the nearest Starbucks was.
*CNN said it was merely standard journalism practice to take the figure of tens of thousands and round it off to “11.”

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Muntazer al-Zaidi, the Iraqi reporter who became famous as the Bush shoe-thrower, is likely to be a hero if freed from jail as expected.  He got 3 years, but that was later reduced.  Fathers from some Arab nations have even offered him their daughters as brides.
*Given how many of these daughters look, he’d better bone up on his shoe-throwing again.
*Maybe he and the Lockerbie bomber could get together and do a sitcom!

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sunbatherDangerous staph bacteria have been found in sand and water for the first time at 5 public beaches along the coast of Washington.  The germ is MRSA, a hard-to-treat bug once rarely seen outside hospitals.  Digging in the sand or being buried in it seems to raise the risk.
*On the bright side, if a bacteria asks you to rub lotion on their back, it doesn’t take very long at all.
*Did you know if you hold a seashell up to your ear you can hear the ambulance coming?
*Somehow the “Staph-infected Girls of Summer” doesn’t make a good calendar idea.

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A hospital in North Dakota is investigating how the mom of a newborn went home with the wrong baby.  The mistake was discovered within an hour and the mother was quickly reunited with her own kid.
*Proving once again that hospitals having a “no returns” policy is a good idea.

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diceA Minnesota man was cited for cursing in public under a local law created in 1887.  He yelled obscenities at officers who gave him a ticket for underage drinking.  It’s a misdemeanor, with a maximum penalty of 90 days in jail and a $1,000 fine.
*This is why Serena Williams rarely plays tennis in Minnesota.

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2 men were arrested for allegedly playing a porno DVD on 6 display TVs at an Arkansas Wal-Mart.  The 20-year-olds were just pulling a prank, but were busted for felony obscenity.
*If this porn featured performers who actually shop at Walmart, there should be an assault charge thrown in there as well.
*The two were let go when Walmart realized sales shot up 30%.
*You wouldn’t think that yellow smiley face could smile any bigger, but sure enough it can!

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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