Feb 08

drag queenGoldman Sachs’ Lloyd Blankfein became the first major CEO to support same-sex marriage.  Probably not coincidentally, “Sachs Goldman” is his drag queen name.
(The Real Story) 


 

Malcolm XA Brown college student found a previously lost audiotape of Malcolm X’s 1961 address there.  He argued black Americans couldn’t wait for white Americans to offer them equality.  What he did not do was break into an Al Green song.
(The Real Story)  


 

Dairy Queen“Dr. Oz” has over 1 million participating in his “transformation nation” effort.  There are 7 steps, including: get moral support, join Weight Watchers, and learn your family health history.  Which step is “Go to Dairy Queen to celebrate”?
(The Real Story)  


 

Baseball playerNaked and Famous Denim is now selling a line of “scratch-n-sniff” men’s jeans that will smell like raspberry candy when scratched.  They should get baseball players to endorse them.  Nobody scratches their pants more than them.
(The Real Story)  


 

Michael JacksonA 9-year-old MN boy was suspended for grabbing his crotch during a rendition of Michael Jackson’s “Billie Jean” at a school lip-sync fundraiser.  Actually, grabbing the crotch of a 9-year-old boy is a dead-on accurate impression of Michael Jackson.
(The Real Story)  


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

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Oct 07

(Delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

2panel_InsertCheck out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

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apple-logo1A study shows households with Apple computers are richer than PC people, and they tend to buy hot new products before anyone else.  About 12% of US households with computers have Macs, up from 9% in 2008.
*Fortunately, Quicken works on both PC and Mac so you can see how little money you have or how much you’ve blown on the latest toy.
*Remember the good old days when guys used women as status symbols?
*What if we still own the Commodore 64 we got in 1983, how are we doing?

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3 Americans won the Nobel prize in medicine for discovering how chromosomes protect themselves as cells divide, work that’s inspired experimental cancer therapies and may offer insights into aging.  Their work was done in the 70s and 80s.
*You mean to tell me the person who decided the safest place to cough is into the fold of your elbow didn’t win?!
*I think one of them should have gone to the poor sap that had to list all the side effects of Ambien in the TV commercials.
*Here’s one insight into aging…you’ll probably die before you’ll win a Nobel prize.

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shroudItalian scientists reproduced the Shroud of Turin, claimed by some to be the cloth that covered Jesus in the tomb, and say that proves it’s a medieval man-made forgery.  They used only tools and items that would have been available in the 13th and 14th centuries.
*Scientists say the idea the Shroud is as real as say, the Cloak of Invisibility in Harry Potter, is just absurd.
*Besides, Jesus was perfect, so he would never have left behind dirty sheets.
*The scientists are now working on the Shroud of Sophia Loren, stained with all kinds of makeup.

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The CBS producer accused of blackmailing Letterman used pages from a former assistant’s diary that described an affair with him.  34-year-old Stephanie Birkitt used to live with Robert Halderman, the alleged blackmailer.  Meanwhile, an ex-intern revealed Dave keeps a bachelor pad atop the Ed Sullivan Theater.
*Ed used it too, but only to practice making funny faces at himself in the mirror.
*Still, it was awkward for the women he took to the suite because Paul Schaffer was still there to laugh at everything he said.

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moneybagClerks at an Iowa convenience store that was robbed twice in recent months thought they were being robbed again and threw money at a man who was just a customer.  Even though the customer was drunk, he just left the bag of money alone and walked out.
*Okay, I know they’re called convenience stores but that’s making it just a little too convenient.
*The customer thought the clerks were just showing him how much the lottery jackpot was up to this week.
*The man returned the very next night hoping they would throw a 40 of Miller Lite at him.

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Conde Nast shut down 4 magazines, including Gourmet, parenthood title Cookie and 2 bridal magazines, Modern Bride and Elegant Bride.
*The magazines will be replaced with more recession-relevant titles like Free Magazine, Car & Home, Elegant Foreclosures, and Joblessweek.

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norwayNorway is number one in the annual UN human development index, but China made the biggest gains.  Criteria is life expectancy, literacy, school enrolment and gross domestic product per capita.  Niger ranks at the very bottom, just below Afghanistan.  We ranked 13th, down one from last year.
*Every year the UN creates this list so that it will know exactly which countries it’s not helping at all are on the bottom.
*Just getting 2-ply toilet paper into the country was enough to rocket China ahead 7 spaces.
*Norway attributes their long life expectancies to the absence of celebrity doctors.

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An Ohio couple gave their vows at a Halloween-themed wedding.  61-year-old Jack Holsinger and 44-year-old Connie Spitznagel were both made up as vampires for their scare-emoney at a haunted house near Cleveland.  The minister was dressed as Jason from the “Friday the 13th” movies.
*Let’s see if that’s half as horrifying as the divorce proceedings are going to be down the road.
*Seriously, aren’t bridesmaids dresses scary enough even at normal weddings?
*I take it garlic chicken was not an entrée choice at the reception?

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gunsA London campaign warning girls not to stash or carry guns for their boyfriends was launched by police.  “Those who store and carry guns for others are partly responsible for the crimes committed with those weapons.  The consequences for them, their families and their friends are worth thinking about.”
*The first slogan of “Tell your man to keep it in his holster” was quickly voted down.
*It all evens out because later on in life, the women always make their guys hold their purses for them in public.
*Carrying the guns is risky, but they sure come in handy when there’s a fight over a big shoe sale.

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Backstreet Boy Brian Litrell has Swine Flu.  Having the H1N1 virus, he’s probably suffering symptoms like a fever over 100.4 °F, sore throat, headache, chills, muscle aches, diarrhea and vomiting.  The 3 others are okay but have been prescribed Tamiflu just in case.
*N’Sync’s Lance Bass said he knows exactly how Brian feels because he thinks he might have an ingrown leg hair.
*Can we call this what it really is, a pathetic attempt to get on Dr. Oz to promote another tour attempt?
*It is kinda convenient being a music star when you’re sick, because a roadie always rushes out to grab the used Kleenex you throw to the floor.

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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Sep 23

(Delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

2panel_InsertCheck out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

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bankA survey shows more customers now prefer to bank online compared to more traditional methods.  18-34’s even prefer to do it over their mobile devices.  Overall, the popularity of ATMs has declined.
*The problem for banks, of course, is having to attach one of those drive-thru hydraulic tubes to every customer’s PC and laptop.
*To make it more authentic, they’re even working on pop-up pages that say “next teller please” to make you move to the next computer.
*I think if you commit bank fraud online they’ve even got one of those blue dye packs that blasts you in the face using your webcam.

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Iran’s president Ahmadinejad said he’s proud to stoke international outrage by denying the Holocaust ever happened as he heads to the UN this week.  The US is still saying it suspects Iran is secretly pursuing a nuclear weapon.
*Secretly?  That’s like saying Perez Hilton is secretly gay.
*Since he doesn’t mind being so hated, if this ruler of Iran thing doesn’t work out, there’s always a place for him in the WWE.
*Nope…still doesn’t piss us off more than Bernie Madoff does.
*Has anyone told him UN doesn’t stand for “Unified Nazis?”

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cooperThe Houston Astros fired manager Cecil Cooper with 13 games left in the season.  The GM said this will give the Astros a chance to evaluate “other facets of our operation.”
*Apparently, Cooper expressed a belief that 9/11 was a conspiracy orchestrated by George Bush.  Oh wait, that was one of Obama’s guys.
*“Other facets of our operation” meaning concessions.

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2 Australian teens who found almost $87,000 in cash during a fishing trip handed it over to police – after taking some time thinking about it.  They found it earlier this month near a town known for an annual hippie commune festival promoting cannabis use.
*See it documented on the new Discovery Channel series, “The Grooviest Catch.”
*Usually if you’re fishing for money you use Oprah as bait.  Just ask Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz.
*I guess they’re just lucky the first people who caught it threw it back in to be sporting.

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marsMars wasn’t always red, according to a new theory for how the planet got that way.  They think it’s a relatively recent development.  A grinding down of rocks from erosion could produce a red mineral that stains the dust on Mars.
*Other theories are it’s generally a Republican planet and turned read when Congressman Joe Wilson yelled out “You lie!”
*Are you sure it’s not the “infected” planet?
*The world hasn’t seen a bizarre mystery that red since Carrot Top.

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Netflix awarded a $1 million prize to a 7-member international research group as part of a 3-year contest to help them more accurately predict what movies customers will like.  The BellKor Pragmatic Chaos team made their picks twice as accurate.  Plus Netflix doesn’t have to pay them royalties, as stated in the rules.
*Sounds like way too much work.  I’ll stick with Publisher’s Clearinghouse.
*The team is now working on a system to help carnival workers guess people’s age and weight.
*It’s all about bragging rights…Netflix being able to brag they got all these people to do work for them virtually for free.

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perotSarah Palin has been relying almost exclusively on social media to get her message out, which lets her stay in the news while avoiding media heat.  Her Facebook posts accused authors of the health care proposal of creating “death panels” to decide end of life care.  Sarah has over 850,000 “friends.”
*That’s a lot of friends, but she does have them grouped into “people who think I’m borderline psychotic,” and “people who think I’m sure as shootin’ you betcha.”
*Plus she’s awesome at Mafia Wars.
*She has posted several times that she’s able to see Russian web sites right from her computer!
*So…Ross Perot not looking so nutty these days is he?

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St. Louis Community College has to pay after a coffee maker rigged to a faucet and left on in a photo lab led to a ruptured water line.  About 10,000 gallons of water spilled down 4 floors, damaging ceilings, walls, computers and files.  $200,000.  They’ll also be asked to pay cleanup costs, including $143,494 to a disaster-recovery company.
*10,000 gallons?!  If they drink that much coffee around there how can professors hold their hands still long enough to use their laser pointers?
*Specifically, it’s a disaster-grande recovery company.
*“That’s funny…Jim never causes $200,000 worth of damage at home.”

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chenowethParamedics checked out Kristin Chenoweth after her Emmy win, but she’s fine.  The “Pushing Daisies” star felt a migraine coming on after winning Outstanding Supporting Actress in a comedy series.  The show, of course, has already been cancelled.
*Network TV shows are much easier to get rid of than migraines.
*Paramedics were called when, in a crushing disappointment, the cast of Grey’s Anatomy turned out to be no help whatsoever.
*The good thing about migraines is they keep acceptance speeches shorter.

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A white Philly cop who came to work with his hair in cornrows was ordered to get a haircut, even though black colleagues wear the same braids.  Thomas Strain was put on desk duty because his boss didn’t feel the braids were professional…but only on a white guy.
*He’s also been known to watch nothing but Tyler Perry movies on his iPod while at work.
*That really is a bad idea.  If he pulls over somebody who’s drunk enough, they’re likely to think he’s Bo Derek.
*He will be allowed to keep Earth, Wind & Fire as his on-hold music at his desk.

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psychoA Florida woman was sentenced to a year and a day for keeping her dead mother’s body in a bedroom for 6 years while collecting over $230,000 in pension benefits.  She has to pay $237,876 back to the government.
*Let’s go over this one more time.  “Psycho” is not an instructional video!
*Oh yeah, cause the government doesn’t have any skeletons in their closet.
*The Meals on Wheels worker never even noticed.  Mom never was one to have a big, outgoing personality.

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The roof of the church where Shakespeare’s remains lie is in danger of collapse.  The beams in Holy Trinity church right over his grave are rotting and could collapse.  And his gravesite is specifically inscribed: “Blessed be the man that spares these stones, and cursed be he that moves my bones.”
*“Pennington, Pennington, wherefore art thou Ty Pennington?”
*Don’t all artists live to bring the house down?
*Something is rotten alright, but it’s not in the state of Denmark.

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cubaLegislation to end a ban on Americans traveling to Cuba apparently has enough support in the House to win approval by year-end.
*Apparently new locations are desperately needed for “Man vs. Food.”

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Houston police report restaurant theft that takes place during business hours is up slightly this year, while break-ins when a restaurant is closed are down.  People steal décor and practical items from restaurants for several reasons, many of which are alcohol-related.
*Some restaurants have so much crap on the walls I thought it was them who went around stealing things.
*So when you go to someone’s house for a formal meal and they serve everything in appetizer baskets, you’ll know you’ve got a perp.
*It really is an awful feeling when you wake up the next morning from a wild night out to find out you brought the dish washer home.

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hasselhoffDavid Hasselhoff says he wasn’t drunk Sunday, he had an ear problem.  Paramedics took him to the hospital after daughter Hayley called her mom saying daddy’s blasted again.  His people say he was being treated for an ear infection and was taking Antivert plus the anti-alcohol drug Antabuse.  The combo messed up his equilibrium.
*I think the only ear problem he had was he didn’t hear people telling him to stop drinking.

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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Sep 09

(Delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

spicoliObama tells the nation’s school kids they should show up, pay attention, don’t drop out, make sure you wash your hands, and we need them to succeed so the country can compete in the global economy.
*He will also encourage the jocks to protect the nerds since they’re our best hope.
*He will not have anything political in the speech, except he will suggest the theme for this year’s prom be “A Magical Night of Wealth Redistribution.”
*Obama is encouraging students to regularly wash their hands, especially after using all those condoms the school gave them.

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Obama said benefits like paid leave, minimum wage and Social Security came out of the organized labor movement as he appealed to unions to help him win the health care fight in Congress.
*What are they going to do, start eating right and working out so they can organize a patients’ strike?
*Obama added that having to make picket signs would be a good stimulus for the arts community.

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hospitalThe US military faced more criticism in Afghanistan as a charity accused American soldiers of storming through a provincial hospital, breaking down doors and tying up staff.
*The soldiers say they’re just practicing for when they’re veterans and have to get healthcare at the VA.

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A woman journalist in Sudan was convicted of public indecency for wearing trousers, but was spared a flogging.  Lubna Hussein is refusing to pay a $200 fine and will spend a month in prison on the outskirts of Khartoum to protest.
*A judge quickly asked, “These outskirts, where do the hemlines fall on those?”
*Only thing considered indecent in the US is wearing white pants after Labor Day.

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klondikeA bill is being drafted addressing “behavioral advertising” that would impose broad new rules on sites and advertisers.  They want to make sure we know what info is being collected about us and how it’s being used to sell things to us.
*Does that mean I don’t have to answer the question, “What would you do for a Klondike bar?”

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The rare Arakan forest turtle, though to be extinct for almost a century, has been rediscovered in a remote forest in Myanmar.  They found 5 of the brown-and-tan-spotted turtles.  The local name for the turtle is “Pyant Cheezar,” which translates to “turtle that eats rhinoceros feces.”
*Also rediscovered in the remote forest of Myanmar, Jason Priestley!
*One turtle turned them all in when his girl told him she wouldn’t marry him if he were the last Arakan forest turtle on earth.

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ludacrisLudacris gave away 20 cars to people who wrote about their struggles to keep their jobs because they didn’t have a car.  Each of the used vehicles included free gas for 30 days.  Winners are responsible for tags, registration, tax and insurance.
*It’s part of a program called “Cars for Crunkers.”
*Most touching was when Vanilla Ice showed up to claim his.

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“The Dr. Oz Show” debuts Sept. 14, another spinoff from Oprah.  Tough place to work though.  He’s banned all junk food backstage at his show.  He’ll continue to perform surgery one day a week.
*In the first episode, he physically attaches Oprah and Gayle at the hip.
*Next spin-off, “Nailin’ it with Ling-hoc Tran,” Oprah’s pedicurist.

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alienThe White House environmental adviser under fire for things he said before joined the administration resigned.  Van Jones was linked to suggestions 9/11 was a government conspiracy.  He says he’s the victim of a smear campaign.
*His theory JFK was assassinated by an insanely jealous Amelia Earhart aided by the space aliens that abducted her also didn’t help.

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Rookie astronauts aboard the Space Station say a few things surprised them.  The food is good, the rocket thrusters are loud and outer space has a weird smell.  In the past, astronauts have described the smell of space as sort of like gunpowder.
*You sure that weird smell isn’t from a nervous spacewalker after one of those big, great meals?
*Luckily if the odor is offensive, you can use the shuttle’s robot arm to hold your nose.

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cannonA Pennsylvania history buff who recreates firearms from old wars accidentally fired a 2-pound cannonball through the wall of his neighbor’s home.  The cannonball smashed through a window and a wall before landing in a closet.
*He apologized because he was really aiming for his ex-wife’s car.
*Well, that’s better than last week when he shot a flaming ball of tar into his pool with a catapult.

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3 watercolors believed painted by a young Adolf Hitler were auctioned off for $60,000 in Bavaria.  The paintings are dated from 1910 to 1911 and originate in Vienna, where Hitler was a struggling artist.  He applied to art school there but was rejected.
*The works are entitled, “Farmhouse I Will Crush and Rule,” “Windmill I Will Crush and Rule,” and “Summer Pasture – That I Will Crush and Rule by Fall.”

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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