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Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

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Pelosi’s Dems rolled out their 1,990 page healthcare legislation, and the government option is in it.  Obama likes the idea of competing with private health insurers.  And why not?  The bill forces them to cover anyone with a pre-existing condition, limits what they can charge based on age, limits their ability to advertise, opens them up to government prosecution for price fixing, and lets the FTC investigate them whenever they want.
*You haven’t seen a fight this fair since Custer’s last stand.
*Hey, at 1,990 pages, at least that will give doctors something to keep patients busy in the waiting rooms.

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Jon Gosselin’s girlfriend, Hailey Glassman, says he takes out his anger on her, throwing what she calls “mantrums.”  The 22-year-old says, “He’s like Jekyll and Hyde.  But I still love him.”
*She means “them.”
*Aww, why is he so mad?  Did he get turned down for season 2 of “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here?”
*In response, Jon says Hailey isn’t perfect either and often throws “hanger-ontrums.”

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Joel Waul of Lauderhill, FL spent 6 years creating the world’s largest rubber band ball in his driveway.  Now Ripley’s will haul the 6-foot, 7-inch, 9,032-pound ball to an unnamed museum.  Waul saw a Ripley’s TV show when the then-largest rubber band ball was dropped from an airplane.  He said, “I just thought it was the coolest thing I’d ever seen.”
*Kinda makes you wonder if Joel ever saw a girl.
*When Joel and the guy who built the world’s largest ball of tinfoil get together, boy what a riveting evening for everyone!

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It took 13 billion years to get here, but astronomers have seen the light of an exploding mega-star that’s the most distant object ever detected.  The explosion occurred during the so-called “cosmic dark ages,” 400,000 years after the Big Bang.
*Can you believe it got here before healthcare reform?
*And just to be clear, the exploding megastar we’re talking about is not Kirstie Alley.

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The first study to monitor differences in sleeplessness shows West Virginians are getting the least.  Double the national rate.  Experts think it’s connected to health, like obesity, smoking, and heart disease.  Financial stress and odd-hour work shifts can play roles too.
*Did anyone suggest they turn off those lights on their miner’s hats?

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Iowa police were responding to an attempted burglary call when they pulled over a car matching the suspects’ vehicle.  Inside, officers found 2 young men with their faces blackened with permanent marker.  That was what they did to help “conceal” their identities.
*See what happens when former Special Forces soldiers go to work as salesmen at Office Depot?
*The duo’s plan was to burst into the home, distract the occupants with old Al Jolsen impressions, then get away with their jewelry.
*Well, it’s better than last year when they tried disguising themselves with the Bedazzler.

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Police in Jersey are trying to find out who fired a bullet that hit CNN commentator Lou Dobbs’ home as his wife stood nearby.  Dobbs says he’s been getting threatening phone calls for weeks.  He connects it to his advocacy for a crackdown on illegal immigration.
*Dick Cheney didn’t happen to be bird hunting in the area was he?
*Dr. Sanjay Gupta was relieved no one was hurt since part of his job is to administer all first aid to CNN employees.

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Sting says Obama might be God’s divine answer to the world’s problems.  Said, “In many ways, he’s sent from God.  I can’t think of anyone better qualified because of his background, his education, particularly in regard to Islam.”  He called opposition to him “aggressive and violent and full of fear.”
*Wow, speaking of “I’ll be wrapped around your finger…”
*Don’t tell Sting, but God never wanted the Police to break up.

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The 2 kid stars of “Slumdog Millionaire” might lose their monthly stipend and trust fund if they don’t stop skipping school.  11-year-old Azhar shows up 37% of the time, and 10-year-old Rubina has a 27% attendance rate.  If they don’t graduate, they’ll forfeit a lump sum set up by the filmmakers to help the kids, who grew up in one of Mumbai’s worst slums.
*Hey, absence rates like that won’t get you chosen for slum hall-monitor!
*However if they don’t graduate, but DO win on Celebrity Jeopardy, they can get the money.

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YouTube’s webcast of a U2 concert was watched by nearly 10 million people, the video site’s largest streaming event ever.  The full 2 1/2-hour concert is still available on YouTube.
*Plus, you could look right over at the “related videos” column and go right to a documentary on the U2 spy plane!
*My favorite part is when U2 comes dancing down the aisle at that wedding.

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London’s largest cemetery is trying to persuade people to share graves because they’re so full.  Many European countries regularly reuse old graves after a couple of decades.  Staff would dig up remains older than 75 years, rebury them deeper and put the new bodies on top.  You even have to share a headstone.
*Great, as if I don’t have enough people on my back when I’m alive.
*But…what if when Jesus comes back he doesn’t see the people on the bottom row?

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A Lexington, KY man who smashed a window at a car dealership claimed God wanted him to steal a Dodge Charger.  The 36-year-old was nabbed by a security guard at Freedom Dodge before he could get inside the showroom.  He told police his name was “Seven.”
*No, that’s not his name.  He was naming the price it would take for him to buy the car that day.
*He said God told him it was part of his new “Confessions for Clunkers” program.
*People don’t listen to God closely enough.  Maybe he just told him the Dodge Charger was a steal at that price.

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Holiday office parties are a passing fancy this year.  Only 62% of offices are planning them.  Two-thirds said they’ll do without a caterer, event planner or other outside service.  Experts say with layoffs and firings, “Now is not the time to draw attention to oneself with embarrassing conduct at the holiday party.”
*Ah, how Christmassy it’ll be when the employee in charge of music plugs in his nephew’s iPod and gets 2 hours of thrash metal.
*This year, a nice gift at the company Christmas party will be that they took the time to pack up your desk for you.

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Human eggs and sperm have been grown in the lab, paving the way for an infertility cure.  But it raises moral and ethical concerns…kids being born through entirely artificial means, and men and women being eliminated from the process.  The research also offered the prospect of a ‘miracle pill’ that staves off menopause, and raises the possibility of ‘male eggs’ made from men’s skin and ‘female sperm’ from women’s skin, allowing gay couples to have kids genetically their own.
*All of this of course, in pursuit of the final true goal of 2 people being able to meet and conceive completely via Facebook.
*Usually you’d have to go to a Waffle House to see this many different things done with eggs.

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Switzerland announced plans to crack down on “suicide tourism.”  That’s likely to set off a rush of patients from Britain and elsewhere in Europe since Switzerland has become the main destination for assisted suicide.  There’s a fear the Heidi-and-cowbells image is being tarnished.
*Eww, now I’m starting to think those sounds I hear echoing around the mountains aren’t yodeling.

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com