Mar 27

Dick CheneyDick Cheney is recovering after undergoing heart transplant surgery.  The donated heart didn’t even have to be thawed when it came out of the cooler as it matched the temperature of Cheney’s old one.
(The Real Story) 


 

rainbowAtheists gathered on the National Mall for a rally.  They equated coming out as a non-believer with coming out as being gay.  But since the rainbow has already been used as a symbol by both God and gays, they’re out of luck.
(The Real Story)  


 

SnookiGallagher is done performing live, saying his job was like “baby-sitting people who can’t handle alcohol.”  As opposed to the producer of “Jersey Shore,” whose job IS to baby-sit people who can’t handle alcohol.
(The Real Story)  


 

Spice GirlsA Denver woman faked mental illness to avoid jury duty.  She dressed oddly, claimed to have PTSD, and said crazy things like, “the Spice Girls are still every bit as attractive as they were in the 90’s.”
(The Real Story)  


 

Chris BrownA marriage guide advising Muslim men how to beat their wives is a big seller.  It says the wife can’t leave the house without permission, and the man can hit her with a stick or pull her by the ears.  The book can be found by its alternate title, “The Chris Brown Story.”
(The Real Story)  


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

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Nov 03

The Blog Monologue

 

crackerBank of America dropped its $5 monthly debit card fee after negative customer reaction.  But without the fee, they have to lower their costs, so all future debit cards will be made out of cracker.
(The Real Story)


 

Teddy RooseveltRonald Reagan beat out FDR as the former president Americans would like to have back during these economic times.  Teddy Roosevelt came in 5th, but only because if things get worse, he could at least go hunt big game animals to feed us.
(The Real Story)


 

Ashton KutcherWeeks after 9/11, Dick Cheney informed Condoleezza Rice and George Bush they may have been exposed to botulinum toxin.  For 24 hours, they didn’t know if they’d live or die.  A really inappropriate time for Cheney to cooperate for an episode of “Punk’d,” but whatever.
(The Real Story)


 

gunA 10-year-old SC trick-or-treater pulled a 9mm gun on a woman who teased him she would take his candy.  The rest of the story…the woman then pulled a shotgun on him and made him give her his shoes.  Tough neighborhood.
(The Real Story)


 

DumbledoreFootage has surfaced of a Sudanese man being publicly beheaded in Saudi Arabia for being a “sorcerer.”  Note to self: when going to Halloween party in Saudi Arabia, leave Dumbledore costume at home.
(The Real Story)


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

©2011, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com
    @mikestiles

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Oct 18

The Blog Monologue

Dick CheneyFL state lawmaker Brad Drake filed a bill that would make convicts choose between the electric chair and firing squad.  Most convicts agree to being put to death by firing squad, as long as it’s Dick Cheney doing the shooting.
(The Real Story)


 

money coupleResearch shows couples in which one or both partners placed a high priority on money were less likely to have satisfying, stable marriages.  Basically, whichever partner can afford to have the other bumped off always has the upper hand in the relationship.
(The Real Story)


 

parallel parkingDrug smugglers in AZ were bringing drugs through a tunnel and up under the concrete at metered parking spaces, where the drugs would be loaded into false-bottomed vans.  The hardest part is finding people good enough at parallel parking.
(The Real Story)


 

 

VoldemortThe London area studio where Harry Potter was made will be the “Making of Harry Potter” studio tour.  As for how much it costs, the sign just says “he whose price must not be spoken.”
(The Real Story)


 

 

sharkAn OR surfer wound up atop a Great White for several seconds, thinking it was a rock.  When you suddenly catch yourself hanging 6 instead of 10, you know you’ve surfed onto a shark.
(The Real Story)


 

 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

©2011, The Stiles Company, LLC

www.mikestiles.com    @mikestiles

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Oct 04

The Blog Monologue

 

mushroomWhile playing Call of Duty online, a 46-year-old man, after repeated taunts, name-calling and defeat at the hands of a 13-year-old, went to the kid’s house and choked him.  He’s done this before.  After losing at Super Mario Bros. he went to the grocery store and started smashing all the mushrooms.


 

Ferris wheelAn ultra-light plane crashed into a Ferris wheel in Australia, trapping 2 kids on the ride and 2 adults in the plane for hours.  This is why “fly a plane through a Ferris wheel” is not nearly as winnable as the ring toss where midway games are concerned.


 

Gene SimmonsGene Simmons and longtime girlfriend Shannon Tweed tied the knot.  This changes the title of the Kiss song to “I Wanna Rock and Roll All Night and Party Every Day, but I Can’t Because My Wife Gets Really Mad When I Do That.”


 

dogNestle, one of the world’s biggest makers of pet food, launched the first TV commercial especially for dogs.  They asked pet behavior experts what would appeal to dogs.  And of course, the answer always kept coming back…the hind ends of other dogs.


 

Dick CheneyFor $850, 2 AL game wardens will turn cremated ashes into ammo the deceased’s loved ones can fire wherever they want.  And for an additional $5,000, Dick Cheney will load you up and take you bird hunting.


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

 

©2011, The Stiles Company, LLC

www.mikestiles.com    @mikestiles

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Sep 09

The Blog Monologue

 

FoursquareTripoli’s military commander said Gadhafi is cornered and the days before he’s captured or killed are numbered.  The rebels are continuing their strategy of lying low and waiting for him to check in on Foursquare.


 

Dick CheneyCleverbot aced the Turing Test, an IQ test of sorts for conversational robots.  Cleverbot fooled 59% of humans into thinking it was itself a human.  Just like the Dick Cheney’s been doing all these years!


 

Gabrielle GiffordsAZ Rep. Gabrielle Giffords‘ publisher has released the title and cover of the new book she co-wrote with her husband, Mark Kelly.  The book is entitled, “Hey That Thing’s Not Real Is It?”


 

moonA spacecraft circling the moon has snapped the best photos yet of stuff left on the moon by Apollo astronauts.  There are footprints, ruts left by a moon buggy, backpacks and other gear.  Al Gore immediately said it’s that kind of human environmental impact that’s led to “lunar warming.”


 

Hot tubAn AR weatherman woke up in an empty hot tub with a naked dead man wearing a dog collar.  If the man had pretended to be a cat instead of a dog, he’d have never gotten in the water in the first place.


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

 

©2011, The Stiles Company, LLC

www.mikestiles.com    @mikestiles

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Nov 01

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

2panel_InsertCheck out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

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PelosiPelosi’s Dems rolled out their 1,990 page healthcare legislation, and the government option is in it.  Obama likes the idea of competing with private health insurers.  And why not?  The bill forces them to cover anyone with a pre-existing condition, limits what they can charge based on age, limits their ability to advertise, opens them up to government prosecution for price fixing, and lets the FTC investigate them whenever they want.
*You haven’t seen a fight this fair since Custer’s last stand.
*Hey, at 1,990 pages, at least that will give doctors something to keep patients busy in the waiting rooms.

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Jon Gosselin’s girlfriend, Hailey Glassman, says he takes out his anger on her, throwing what she calls “mantrums.”  The 22-year-old says, “He’s like Jekyll and Hyde.  But I still love him.”
*She means “them.”
*Aww, why is he so mad?  Did he get turned down for season 2 of “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here?”
*In response, Jon says Hailey isn’t perfect either and often throws “hanger-ontrums.”

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rubberbandballJoel Waul of Lauderhill, FL spent 6 years creating the world’s largest rubber band ball in his driveway.  Now Ripley’s will haul the 6-foot, 7-inch, 9,032-pound ball to an unnamed museum.  Waul saw a Ripley’s TV show when the then-largest rubber band ball was dropped from an airplane.  He said, “I just thought it was the coolest thing I’d ever seen.”
*Kinda makes you wonder if Joel ever saw a girl.
*When Joel and the guy who built the world’s largest ball of tinfoil get together, boy what a riveting evening for everyone!

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It took 13 billion years to get here, but astronomers have seen the light of an exploding mega-star that’s the most distant object ever detected.  The explosion occurred during the so-called “cosmic dark ages,” 400,000 years after the Big Bang.
*Can you believe it got here before healthcare reform?
*And just to be clear, the exploding megastar we’re talking about is not Kirstie Alley.

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coalminerThe first study to monitor differences in sleeplessness shows West Virginians are getting the least.  Double the national rate.  Experts think it’s connected to health, like obesity, smoking, and heart disease.  Financial stress and odd-hour work shifts can play roles too.
*Did anyone suggest they turn off those lights on their miner’s hats?

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Iowa police were responding to an attempted burglary call when they pulled over a car matching the suspects’ vehicle.  Inside, officers found 2 young men with their faces blackened with permanent marker.  That was what they did to help “conceal” their identities.
*See what happens when former Special Forces soldiers go to work as salesmen at Office Depot?
*The duo’s plan was to burst into the home, distract the occupants with old Al Jolsen impressions, then get away with their jewelry.
*Well, it’s better than last year when they tried disguising themselves with the Bedazzler.

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loudobbsPolice in Jersey are trying to find out who fired a bullet that hit CNN commentator Lou Dobbs’ home as his wife stood nearby.  Dobbs says he’s been getting threatening phone calls for weeks.  He connects it to his advocacy for a crackdown on illegal immigration.
*Dick Cheney didn’t happen to be bird hunting in the area was he?
*Dr. Sanjay Gupta was relieved no one was hurt since part of his job is to administer all first aid to CNN employees.

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Sting says Obama might be God’s divine answer to the world’s problems.  Said, “In many ways, he’s sent from God.  I can’t think of anyone better qualified because of his background, his education, particularly in regard to Islam.”  He called opposition to him “aggressive and violent and full of fear.”
*Wow, speaking of “I’ll be wrapped around your finger…”
*Don’t tell Sting, but God never wanted the Police to break up.

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schoolhouseThe 2 kid stars of “Slumdog Millionaire” might lose their monthly stipend and trust fund if they don’t stop skipping school.  11-year-old Azhar shows up 37% of the time, and 10-year-old Rubina has a 27% attendance rate.  If they don’t graduate, they’ll forfeit a lump sum set up by the filmmakers to help the kids, who grew up in one of Mumbai’s worst slums.
*Hey, absence rates like that won’t get you chosen for slum hall-monitor!
*However if they don’t graduate, but DO win on Celebrity Jeopardy, they can get the money.

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YouTube’s webcast of a U2 concert was watched by nearly 10 million people, the video site’s largest streaming event ever.  The full 2 1/2-hour concert is still available on YouTube.
*Plus, you could look right over at the “related videos” column and go right to a documentary on the U2 spy plane!
*My favorite part is when U2 comes dancing down the aisle at that wedding.

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ripLondon’s largest cemetery is trying to persuade people to share graves because they’re so full.  Many European countries regularly reuse old graves after a couple of decades.  Staff would dig up remains older than 75 years, rebury them deeper and put the new bodies on top.  You even have to share a headstone.
*Great, as if I don’t have enough people on my back when I’m alive.
*But…what if when Jesus comes back he doesn’t see the people on the bottom row?

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A Lexington, KY man who smashed a window at a car dealership claimed God wanted him to steal a Dodge Charger.  The 36-year-old was nabbed by a security guard at Freedom Dodge before he could get inside the showroom.  He told police his name was “Seven.”
*No, that’s not his name.  He was naming the price it would take for him to buy the car that day.
*He said God told him it was part of his new “Confessions for Clunkers” program.
*People don’t listen to God closely enough.  Maybe he just told him the Dodge Charger was a steal at that price.

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officepartyHoliday office parties are a passing fancy this year.  Only 62% of offices are planning them.  Two-thirds said they’ll do without a caterer, event planner or other outside service.  Experts say with layoffs and firings, “Now is not the time to draw attention to oneself with embarrassing conduct at the holiday party.”
*Ah, how Christmassy it’ll be when the employee in charge of music plugs in his nephew’s iPod and gets 2 hours of thrash metal.
*This year, a nice gift at the company Christmas party will be that they took the time to pack up your desk for you.

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Human eggs and sperm have been grown in the lab, paving the way for an infertility cure.  But it raises moral and ethical concerns…kids being born through entirely artificial means, and men and women being eliminated from the process.  The research also offered the prospect of a ‘miracle pill’ that staves off menopause, and raises the possibility of ‘male eggs’ made from men’s skin and ‘female sperm’ from women’s skin, allowing gay couples to have kids genetically their own.
*All of this of course, in pursuit of the final true goal of 2 people being able to meet and conceive completely via Facebook.
*Usually you’d have to go to a Waffle House to see this many different things done with eggs.

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swissmissSwitzerland announced plans to crack down on “suicide tourism.”  That’s likely to set off a rush of patients from Britain and elsewhere in Europe since Switzerland has become the main destination for assisted suicide.  There’s a fear the Heidi-and-cowbells image is being tarnished.
*Eww, now I’m starting to think those sounds I hear echoing around the mountains aren’t yodeling.

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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Sep 29

(Delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

2panel_InsertCheck out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

________________________________________________________________________

achmadinejadIran’s Revolutionary Guard said it successfully test-fired short-range missiles to show Tehran is prepared to crush any military threat.  This just days after they were warned about a nuke facility they’ve been secretly building.
*It’s kinda like proving you don’t have drugs in your house by creating a cloud of cocaine so they can’t see you.
*Well, considering our missile shield plan is now to provide allies with really big umbrellas, it’s a concern.
*The missiles apparently go exactly the way Iranian leaders want them to…kind of like their elections.

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Director Roman Polanski was arrested by Swiss police while there for the Zurich Film Festival and faces possible extradition to the US for having sex with a 13-year-old girl in 1977.  He directed films like “Chinatown” and “Rosemary’s Baby.”
*Okay, okay, so the Swiss aren’t neutral about everything.
*The worst part about doing a significant amount of jail time in Switzerland is the cuckoo clocks they put in every cell.
*Polanski was caught while listening to his ipod, which was loaded with John Phillips music.

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pigThe government is starting an unprecedented system to track possible side effects as mass swine flu vaccinations begin next month.  The idea is to detect any problems quickly.
*Side effects so far include curly tailbone growth, squealing when you laugh, grunting when you eat, your hair gets short and pink, your nostrils grow amazingly large, and you can’t say “that’s all folks” without stuttering.

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“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” was number 1 at the box office again, with “Surrogates” coming in at #2.
*I’m sure flood victims in the southeast would greatly prefer that it rain meatballs right now.
*”Surrogates” of course, starring Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick.

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slate“Saturday Night Live” started the season with the F-bomb.  Newcomer Jenny Slate let it slip during a parody of a talk show by biker women.  No word on if there’ll be any repercussions.
*Of course, the fact that everybody’s hearing about it, but almost nobody saw it, points out that SNL has much bigger problems.
*If they were going to do that, you’d think they’d have saved it for when Serena Williams was the host.

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Obama says American kids spend too little time in school, putting them at a disadvantage with foreign students.  He wants schools to make classes longer, stay open later and to let kids in on weekends so they have a safe place to go.
*Apparently, the younger kids need a lot more time to learn their Obama worship songs.
*Teachers keep getting arrested for having affairs with their students, and he regards school as a safe place?
*This is especially bad news for the kids who get thrown in their lockers and left there for most of the school day.

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babydanceLong-secret security tapes showing the chaos after the 1995 bombing of the Oklahoma City federal building go blank right before the blast and appear to have been edited.  4 cameras in 4 different locations all go dark at the same time.  Some speculate the FBI is hiding evidence others were involved in the attack.
*Investigators can tell the video’s been edited because there could not have been a baby dancing to Beyonce right before the bomb went off.

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Poland approved a law making chemical castration mandatory for pedophiles in some cases.  They say, “The purpose of this action is to improve the mental health of the convict.”
*The chemical used is made by “Former Johnson & Former Johnson.”
*However, tragedy struck when the nation’s pediatricians misunderstood and thought they were talking about them.

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cartoonpaulA discovery in a Liverpool library reveals Paul McCartney’s talent for writing won him a prize when he was just 10.  It was for an essay about Queen Elizabeth II.  Paul contrasted violence on the coronation day of William the Conqueror with Elizabeth’s coronation.  His prize was a gift certificate for books.
*They’re sure it’s Paul’s because it was a group project and he only let Ringo write one word of the essay.
*Obviously the book he won wasn’t “A Guide to Japanese Marijuana Laws.”

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A candidate to be SC’s next National Guard leader launched his campaign with a “machine-gun social.”  500 people came out to a shooting range for Dean Allen’s rally.  $25 for barbecue, a clip of bullets for target practice and the chance to win a semiautomatic AK-47.
*That’s nothing compared to what went down at a “separatist compound social” earlier in the week.
*Famous bird hunter Dick Cheney was invited but could not come due to safety concerns… everybody else’s.
*Barbecue was $10 if you shot and dragged in your own ribs.

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charoDalton Chiscolm doesn’t like Bank of America’s customer service.  He sued the bank and its board for “1,784 billion, trillion dollars.”  He says he placed a series of calls to the bank in NY, got inconsistent info from a ‘Spanish woman,’ and checks got rejected because of incomplete routing numbers.
*The worst part is that hearing the amount “1,784 billion, trillion dollars” gave Obama officials a new target for where the deficit could be run up to.
*The last time I got inconsistent info from a Spanish woman was when I asked Charo, “So, was it good for you too?”

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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Sep 11

(Delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

robotNASA unveiled the first sharper, clearer deep space photos taken by Hubble since its billion dollar repair mission last spring.  That involved installing 2 new cameras, other science instruments and replacing broken parts.
*Plus, now it has a Facebook app so it can upload its pictures directly to all its friends!

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The Obama administration is rolling out a new site to streamline food safety information for consumers.  Foodsafety.gov will put food-related info from all federal agencies in one place, including recall and contamination alerts and tips on how to safely handle food.
*It’s a little uncomfortable, because it’s got the characters from Veggie Tales instructing you on how best to handle them.

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mileyCelebrity photographer Annie Leibovitz risks losing the copyright to her photos and life’s work if she doesn’t pay back a $24 million loan due Tuesday.  A spokesman said she’s working to “resolve the situation.”
*Which means she’s trying to get Miley Cyrus naked again.
*It’s nice that she’s trying, but I don’t think working over this Christmas at Olan Mills is going to bring in enough.

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A suspect in a robbery in Columbus, OH was arrested when he went back to the house 2 hours later to ask his victim out.  The 20-year-old was among 3 men who robbed a couple.
*If she says yes, maybe he’ll show up at the door with some roses and her DVD player as gifts.
*“You had me at ‘lay flat on the floor and don’t move a muscle.’”

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smileyWalmart is starting a massive store and strategy remodeling effort, which it has dubbed Project Impact.  One goal is cleaner, less cluttered stores.  Another is friendlier customer service.  A third: hone in on categories where the competition is weak.
*I hear their greeters are going to kick it up a notch and do a little fondling.
*I’m all for widening the aisles given the girth of their average customer, but do you really want better lighting in there?

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Archaeologists in Israel found the largest ever cache of rare coins from the time of the last Jewish revolt against the Romans.  It includes 120 gold, silver and bronze coins, as well as some pottery and weapons.
*Because they were very famous for buying weapons and using them to smash pottery.
*Each coin is inscribed with the Jewish revolution motto, “What, I’m risking my life and this is all I’m getting paid?”
*It was found by famed archaeologist Indiana Horowitz.

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cheneyA decision by the University of Wyoming to name a new center for international students for Dick Cheney is drawing criticism.  They say Cheney’s support for the Iraq war and harsh interrogation techniques should disqualify him.
*Experts say the center is very impractical anyway because it’s in a secret, undisclosed location.
*Well, it is a little inflammatory asking people to serve on the waterboard of directors.

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European support for Obama’s handling of foreign policy has soared.  In Germany, support shot up 80 points, and in France, we rose 77 points.
*Apparently, knowing America now sucks as much as they do makes Europeans feel awesome.
*I haven’t seen anything this desperate for approval since Chelsea Handler.

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keillorGarrison Keillor suffered a minor stroke and was recovering at a Mayo Clinic facility.  A spokesman said, “He is up and moving around, speaking sensibly,”  The 67-year-old plans to resume a normal schedule on “A Prairie Home Companion” next week.
*Nurses were eager to get Keillor back up to speed because his endless, slow stories about Americana were boring them out of their skulls.
*On the bright side, you’ve never heard an MRI narrated so beautifully.

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A single UPS delivery truck is the champion of Denver parking violations, racking up 196 tickets worth nearly $5,700 last year.  A UPS spokesman said parking tickets are a cost of doing business in some cities.
*What law can brown violate for you today?
*UPS has even added an online function where you can follow the progress of their violations with a tracking number!

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elvisReports are we’re using 50 to 100 retired CIA agents to look for Osama bin Laden.  Many of them worked with the Mujahidin during the Soviet occupation in the 80s.  There hasn’t been one credible lead on bin Laden in years.  His nickname among CIA hunters is Elvis because of all the bogus sightings.
*Such as how he’s often seen coming out of his cave, mopping his sweat with his satin scarf then tossing it out to screaming terrorists.
*Now if we could just get him on all the same drugs Elvis was on, problem solved.
*What’s these retirees’ plan, to find bin Laden and challenge him to shuffleboard to the death?

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The US wants to enlist 3.4 million Girl Scouts to combat hurricanes, pandemics, terror attacks and other disasters.  The Department of Homeland Security launched a campaign to make them even more prepared, and they’re promise of a new Readiness patch if they pitch in.
*For instance, the girls will soften the impact by renaming certain things.  Refugees would now be known as “tagalongs.”
*Chloe Kardasian has a “readiness patch,” but it’s for a whole different thing.
*There’s nothing like the pride in a mother’s eyes when she sees her daughter defuse her first suicide bomber.

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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