Feb 01

droneIraqi officials expressed outrage at the ongoing US use of drones in the Iraqi skies.  Mostly because they think it’s tacky they pull banners behind them advertising seafood buffets.
(The Real Story) 


 

coffee filterA CA company’s Stay Warm line of cold-weather clothing is made from recycled coffee beans.  They also make baby clothing out of it, but nobody ever wants to change the filter.
(The Real Story)  


 

coachAn IA woman gave birth to a 13 lbs. and 13 oz boy with no surgery or epidural.  Only 1/10 of 1% of all newborns weigh over 11 pounds at birth.  High school recruiters pacing in the waiting room congratulated her on the delivery.
(The Real Story)  


 

George WashingtonAfter George Washington died in 1799, his family nearly took an offer from a doc who thought he could bring him back to life.  He was going to use blankets, an air pump and lamb’s blood.  Which is also what Conrad Murray had on hand to treat Michael Jackson.
(The Real Story)  


 

Billy CundiffFor all the promise and buzz, analysts say the public is taking a ho-hum view of 3D televisions.  Buyers don’t see it as a “necessity,” and no matter how many dimensions you look at it, the Ravens’ Billy Cundiff really did miss that field goal.
(The Real Story) 


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

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Oct 14

The Blog Monologue

 

microwaveBlackBerrys went dark worldwide for a few days.  Desperate users were seen trying to text using the keypad and display on their microwaves.
The real story


 

German ShepherdA MA family got lost in a 7-acre corn maze, and got so scared they called 911.  Police and a K-9 unit found them.  You think being lost in a corn maze is scary, try being lost in a corn maze being chased by a barking police German Shepherd.
The real story


 

moonwalkConrad Murray’s lawyers are dropping their claim Michael Jackson swallowed a fatal dose of propofol himself when the doc wasn’t looking.  The new defense is Jacko was Moonwalking and backed into a needle of it.
The real story


 

Phoenix JonesVigilante costumed Seattle superhero Phoenix Jones is charged with assaulting people with pepper spray outside a nightclub.  Not much of a secret identity since he gives drunk chicks his phone number outside the club every weekend.
The real story


 

busA marathon runner who placed 3rd in a British race took a bus during part of the race.  You could tell he intended to cheat because you could hear the exact change jingling in his pockets at the start of the race.
The real story


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

 

©2011, The Stiles Company, LLC

www.mikestiles.com    @mikestiles

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Oct 03

The Blog Monologue

 

Like buttonBank of America will start charging customers a $5 monthly debit card fee starting early next year.  Don’t hit the “Like” button on their Facebook Page either, that’ll run you $15/month.


 

Michael JacksonThe first bodyguard to reach Michael Jackson‘s bedroom after Conrad Murray called for help testified Murray told him to gather up medicine vials before calling 911.  Not knowing what to do in the panic, the bodyguard reflexively opened an umbrella and held it over Michael’s head.


 

cub scoutA MA man the FBI says wanted to fly remote-controlled model planes with C-4 explosives into the Pentagon and Capitol was busted.  The first plan, dressing as cub scouts and rolling pinewood derby cars into the sides of the buildings, was quickly ruled out.


 

Mark ZuckerbergWarner Bros. is launching a Web series on Facebook that will personalize the show for viewers based on their Facebook profiles.  Producers know if they ever change the show, users will scream and complain like they do when Facebook changes.


 

JesusA Plano, TX business is offering customers a break on the price of an oil change if they can quote a Bible verse.  Isn’t it enough that most customers invoke Jesus’ name when they get estimates on how much their car repair bill is going to be?


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

 

©2011, The Stiles Company, LLC

www.mikestiles.com    @mikestiles

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Sep 29

The Blog Monologue

 

FEMAObama’s chief political adviser, David Axelrod, conceded a dark cloud looms over the economy and Obama’s road to a second term is a titanic struggle.  Upon hearing the dark cloud remark, FEMA reiterated it no longer has money to respond to any disasters.


 

Leisha HaileyFormer “The L Word” star Leisha Hailey claims she and a girlfriend were kicked off a Southwest flight because they kissed.  Why do you think they started requiring the cockpit door to stay closed?  God only knows what those guys are doing up there.


 

Joe JacksonJurors at the Conrad Murray trial heard Jacko’s slurred words recorded while he was on Propofol, saying he wanted to impress with his comeback.  The tape was played early in the trial because the family wants to release a dance mix of it and make an extra $4 million.


 

IranIran raised the prospect of sending military ships close to the US Atlantic coast!  Okay, but if any American hikers somehow wander onto them, they’re on their own.


 

Osama bin LadenThe Obama administration is still fighting in court to keep photos and videos of Osama bin Laden’s body top secret.  They point out that being dead and all, bin Laden would not be able to un-tag photos of himself on Facebook.


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

 

©2011, The Stiles Company, LLC

www.mikestiles.com    @mikestiles

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Apr 08

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

 

Gadhafi wrote a 3-page letter to Obama asking him to stop “an unjust war.”  However, he refers to Obama as “our son” and “excellency,” and says Libya is praying that he wins re-election.  The envelope was even perfumed with “Tyranny for Men.”


 

Dr. Conrad Murray’s lawyer says Michael Jackson was so anguished about his deteriorating finances he took desperate actions that caused his own death.  Usually desperate financial actions just involve calling 1-800-Titlemax, but Michael took things up a notch.


 

A KS woman known as “Bunny Lady” had a run-in with a TSA agent in Philly.  Val Baul showed the agent what was in the confetti-filled eggs by cracking one over her head.  She was cuffed and held 3 hours.  That’s nothing.  You should see what they did to the clown that came through earlier with a seltzer bottle.


 

Some angry parents in VA are demanding answers after their elementary school kids were allowed to feel a breast implant on Career Day.  A local plastic surgeon brought them as part of his presentation.  But nobody cares that the high schoolers were allowed to feel them after they’d been put in?


 

Physicists say data from an atom smasher may have revealed a potentially new force of nature.  It’s something beyond the “God Particle,” an elusive hypothetical particle they think could explain why objects have mass.  Any average citizen can tell you objects have mass because pizza and cake are so damned good.


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

©2010, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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Oct 15

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

The rescued Chilean miners who got hauled up through 2,000 feet of rock and left their underground safety chamber after 69 days are expected to get offers of all kinds.  So far most are from Americans who’ve been foreclosed on wanting to know if they can live in the cave they just left.


The White House may quickly appeal a judge’s order to abruptly let gays serve openly in the military.  Gay service members were warned to avoid revealing their sexuality in case the ruling is tossed out.  There hasn’t been this large of an unintentional outing since somebody took a poll of men who went to see “Eat, Pray, Love.”


A Detroit man whose Rottweiler “Mia” survived a botched euthanasia says he can’t do it again.  Matt Olivarez put her body on some hay for burial the next day, but when he returned she was standing up.  Which is pretty much what Dr. Conrad Murray thought would happen with Michael Jackson.


Genealogists say Obama’s related to Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh.  The good news is that if you find out you’re related to Obama, you get to go on all these luxurious vacations to Spain they take!


Rapper T.I. talked a suicidal man off the ledge of a 22-story building in Atlanta.  What could the guy do?  When you get called out in a rap battle, you can’t be a punk about it.


Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

©2010, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

Tagged with:
Oct 15

(Delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

2panel_InsertCheck out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

________________________________________________________________________

candycornExperts say Halloween sales are expected to reach a record-breaking $6 billion in 2009, up 4.2% from last year.  Candy sales are the fastest-growing part of the market, projected to grow by nearly 7%.  Costumes are up 2.4%.
*Except the candy isn’t to give out, it’s to keep and eat yourself.  There’s a recession on dammit!
*Although statistically, that should be divided up between “good candy” and “the stuff that will still be sitting in the bottom of the bucket in February.”

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A report says your chances of survival vary widely depending on what hospital you go to.  You’re twice as likely to die at low-rated hospitals than in top-rated ones.
*For instance, if you’re going to a guy who gives MRI’s out of a white van like the people who sell speakers, your chances are slim.
*For instance, if you’re at a hospital and you can tell the sign outside was changed over from a Days Inn sign, you’re probably not going to make it.

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DisneyDisney is giving its chain of Disney Stores an extreme makeover, and it’s being led by Apple exec and Disney board member Steve Jobs.  The remake of the 340 stores will shift from typical retail to an “experience” with more interactive elements.
*Such as “Captain Hook’s Shoplifting Adventure.”
*Jobs was called in when the Fairy Godmother from Cinderella was too busy to do it with one wave of her wand.
*Jobs is expected to change it to “the geekiest place on earth.”
*Jobs is expected to change it to “the appiest place on earth.”
*What’s Jobs going to do, use technology to make the dwarves smaller and more compact?
*Step one: change the Snow White story so that the witch offers her a poison Apple iMac.

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The Senate Finance Committee approved a middle-of-the-road health care plan.  The $829-billon, 10-year plan would help (or force) most Americans get coverage without creating a government plan.
*It’s called “middle of the road” because if you go somewhere and lie down in the middle of the road, you’ll be just as healthy as you will under the plan.

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nobelMembers of the committee that gave Obama the Nobel Peace Prize to howls of laughter around the world are defending their choice.  One said, “Alfred Nobel wrote the prize should go to the person who has contributed most to the development of peace in the previous year.  Who has done more for that than Barack Obama?”
*Um…wow…Heidi and Spencer are two people that come to mind.
*How about Dr. Conrad Murray?  He gave Michael eternal peace.
*Was that Alfred Nobel or Alfred E. Neuman?

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The 89-year-old leader of the Unification Church, Rev. Sun Myung Moon, will marry 40,000 people in the US and South Korea.  Moon is a self-proclaimed Messiah who says he was 15 when Jesus called on him to carry out his unfinished work.  In the past, followers let Moon pick their spouses believing he has divine insight.
*Wow, at 15 all I was being called to do was smash beer bottles against road signs.
*Let me guess, the fact that he did NOT put Jon & Kate together is at the top of his resume.

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camputensilA Delaware first-grader suspended for bringing a camping utensil to school will likely get a reprieve.  6-year-old Zach Christie was ordered to 45 days in an alternative school for troublemakers for using a combination folding fork, knife and spoon to eat lunch.  It’s banned as a dangerous instrument.
*And the shovel he uses to dig latrines isn’t?
*That’s not dangerous.  You should see what he did to one bully with his Pinewood Derby car.
*It’s the new American scout motto: “Always be prepared to get busted and take the fall for something you didn’t do.”

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Deep budget cuts are forcing colleges to lay off instructors and eliminate classes, making it harder for students to get into the courses they need to earn their degree.  The result…it takes longer to get through college.
*Relax, it ain’t like there’s a job out there waiting on them to get out.
*Considering it took many of them 5 ½ years to get through high school, this won’t come as a shock to many parents.
*Students are also disheartened to learn that taking lessons from the Video Professor DVDs sold on TV does not count toward college credit.

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fiberoptics3 physicists won the 2009 Nobel Prize for work on fiber optics that helped unleash the IT revolution.  They were hailed by the Nobel jury as “the masters of light.”  The 1966 discovery of fiber optics meant text, music, images and video could be transferred around the globe in a split second.
*Making it infinitely easier to steal music.
*The team had breakthrough successes when they started using super-thin threads of glass for fiber instead of Raisin Bran.

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Fox says Carrie Underwood will host a 2-hour variety special tentatively titled, “Carrie Underwood: An All-Star Holiday Special” Dec. 7.  She’ll perform new music, previous hits and holiday classics.  Musical guests will include Dolly Parton, Brad Paisley and David Cook.
*Actually the whole title is “Carrie Underwood: An All-Star Holiday Special that Doesn’t have Clay Aiken In It.”
*Kellie Pickler was supposed to be on it but went to the wrong studio and wound up on the Viva La Bam Holiday Special.
*It’s going to be great.  David Cook is going to show us how he uses an Advent calendar to count down the days ‘til nobody cares who he is anymore.

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morganfreemanMorgan Freeman is using his fame to help his friend run for governor of Mississippi in 2011.  He’s written a fundraising letter and is hosting a cocktail party in LA next week for Bill Luckett, who’s seeking the Democratic nomination.
*In fact, wherever Bill goes on the campaign trail, Morgan is right behind him narrating his every move like he did for Andy in “Shawshank Redemption.”

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Hours after Michael Jackson’s first posthumous single “This Is It” was released, it came out the tune was recorded 18 years ago by an obscure Puerto Rican singer named Sa-Fire.
*Maybe Sa-fire is a pseudonym Michael was using after his hair burst into flames.

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rushA 7-year-old Ohio boy playing backyard football was tackled by a deer.  Brandon Hiles encountered the buck when the ball rolled into woods.  It ran at him and flipped him with its antlers, leaving bruises and a gash.  His 9-year-old buddy beat the deer with a stick to make it go away.
*Really?  That’s the play the Defensive Coordinator sent in?
*The buck is rumored to be the only football player Rush Limbaugh is going to be allowed to buy.
*Well to be fair, if the ball was rolling into the woods, that’s a fumble and you can’t blame the deer for scrambling.

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A Wisconsin woman stripped in front of her kids to avoid arrest for shoplifting, then scuffled with cops and exposed herself through a squad car window.  36-year-old Julia Laack allegedly stole a bag of beef jerky and a lighter.
*If you’re a regular beef jerky connoisseur, should you really be so eager to get naked for everybody?
*The woman felt even stupider after she was told she didn’t even need the lighter…that beef jerky comes pre-cooked.

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cheesecatA bill making the rounds on Capitol Hill proposes a tax break of up to $3,500 per person for pet care expenses.  It’s to promote pet ownership during economic down times.  Nobody thinks it has a prayer, but it’s called the HAPPY Act.
*I think that’s completely fair since a lot of people will be living on top of those cat towers after they’ve been foreclosed on.
*Is catnip covered under Medicare’s prescription plan D?

________________________________________________________________________

Jon Gosselin has been ordered to return $180,000 in marital funds, which he took from an account in violation of an arbitrator’s order.  He has to do it by October 26 or appear before the judge for contempt.
*Or even scarier…he’ll face the bank’s late fees!
*Jon’s defense that the tooth fairy leaves $22,500 under each kid’s pillow was not believed.

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parishilton2PETA attacked Paris Hilton for recently buying a pet mini-pig, claiming she’s setting a “wretched example” by treating animals like they’re “as disposable as her friends and fiances.”  PETA says, “The Chihuahuas, ferrets, and kinkajous she’s paraded through her home in the past were not accessories, and pot-bellied pigs aren’t either.”
*Chihuahuas, ferrets and kinky what?
*If I’d have known anything with a pot belly could get stroked and cuddled by Paris I’d have stalked her a long time ago.

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

Tagged with:
Oct 10

(Delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

2panel_InsertCheck out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

________________________________________________________________________

officespaceA CareerBuilder survey shows 32% of workers played hooky from work this year, calling in sick when they weren’t.  Many employers think it’s because of stress and burnout.  Some gave good reasons, but most said they didn’t go in because they just didn’t feel like it.
*I think that’s the real reason Tom Delay quit Dancing With the Stars too.
*Others call in sick to places even when they don’t work there, just so they can pretend they’re employed.

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A survey shows 29% of employees have had a co-worker steal credit for their idea.  And over half did nothing about it.  26% let others know the idea was theirs, 13% told their boss and only 13% confronted the person who stole their idea.
*That’s why the best strategy is to always leave really, really bad ideas laying around on your desk.
*If you’re going to do that, you may as well commit identity theft on your boss so you can get an instant promotion.

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dragqueenAssaulting people because of their sexual orientation would be a federal hate crime in legislation the House votes on today.  They’re sneaking it in attached to a must-pass defense bill.  Opponents call it “thought crimes” and a spit in the face to put it in a bill providing resources to soldiers fighting for freedoms.
*And yes, offending their fashion senses will also be a hate crime, so hire a gay clothing consultant immediately.
*The defense bill moves us from “don’t ask, don’t tell” to “don’t hurt me, I’ll tell.”

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Herta Mueller, a little-known Romanian-born author who was persecuted for her critical depictions of life behind the Iron Curtain, won the 2009 Nobel Prize in literature.
*Herta didn’t win the Nobel Prize for it, but she’s most famous for writing the “Do not remove under penalty of law” tag that goes on mattresses.
*That’s nice, but if she’d have written about teenage vampires behind the Iron Curtain, she’d be a lot richer.

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leviLevi Johnston, the 19-year-old father of Sarah Palin’s grandchild will pose nude for Playgirl.  He’s training 3 hours a day, 6 nights a week to get ready.  His first TV commercial, hawking Wonderful brand pistachios, debuted this week.
*What’s the big deal?  Todd Palin had erotic photos of himself on a dogsled made, they just haven’t been published yet.
*Uh huh, suddenly Russia is the only thing Sarah will want to be able to see from Alaska.

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A woman singing karaoke in a CT sports bar was attacked by 6 other women who didn’t like her performance.  All 6 were under the legal drinking age, knocked the woman to the floor, punched her and pulled her hair.  She was singing “A Dios Le Pido” by Colombian star Juanes.
*Apparently, the women thought “A Dios Le Pido” was Spanish for “Those dresses make you look fat.”
*Still, it was nice that as she was being beaten, curse words crawled across the screen to help her know what to say.

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conradDr. Conrad Murray may face arrest not for the manslaughter of Michael Jackson, but for late child support payments.  He could lose his medical license for it too.  He owes $13,000.
*Murray’s strategy was to keep the kid sedated with Propophyl until he could round up enough money to pay it.
*They should know it takes him a long time to do anything, such as call an ambulance.

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The term “whatever” was deemed “most annoying term in conversation” by 47% of respondents.  “You know” came in second with 25%, then came “anyway”, “it is what it is” and “at the end of the day.”
*Where did “hope and change” come in?
*Sorry, “we’re gonna have to let you go” still lands at #1 on my list.

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bambiAnimal control officers in Sioux City, Iowa, say someone dressed a dead deer in a clown suit and wig and put it on a family’s porch.  They think it was a prank.  Officers disposed of it properly.
*They’re lucky.  The original plan was to stuff 27 dead deer in clown suits in a tiny car and leave it in the driveway.
*Phew!  That makes me feel a lot less guilty about the clown I hit that darted in front of my car last week.

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British scientists say being on the pill makes women attracted to more feminine men, if not other women.  Women whose hormones are chemically controlled are less likely to seek out muscular, rugged guys.  Whereas ovulating women “are particularly attracted to men showing dominance and competitiveness.”
*Which explains why there are so few ovulating women at Detroit Lions games.
*If that’s the case, Chastity Bono must have been popping pills like they were Mentos.

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prisonbreakA Wisconsin inmate is in solitary after he tried to escape.  49-year-old James Frederick bolted for the fences, his clothes stuffed with newspapers to protect him from the razor wire.  He also had a large bag of raisins…perhaps to snack on while on the run.  Anyway, he cut his hand on the first fence and didn’t make it.
*On the bright side, since all his newspapers got shredded he can make a paper mache gun and try to get out that way.
*No word on how long he was tangled up in the fence, but he was able to finish the crossword puzzle.

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In an unprecedented move, the School District of Philadelphia will hold principals accountable for making sure students eat breakfast.  All 165,000 students in Philly public schools, regardless of income, are eligible for free breakfasts.  But only 54,000 ate it last year.  So they’ve decided it’s the principals’ responsibility.
*The board says if principals don’t do it, they’re toast.  And then they laughed for 6 minutes.
*Threats to change the name of the school’s teams to “The Fighting Froot Loops” just may work.

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hongkongphooeyWith their entourage of nannies and security guards in tow, Michael Jackson’s kids went to a karate class in LA Wednesday.
*The kids are getting ready for their annual physical with Dr. Conrad Murray and need to be able to protect themselves as much as possible.
*The kids have already earned their black belts and are moving on trying to get their sequined belts.

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

Tagged with:
Aug 28

(Delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

registerA report says up to 10,000 retail stores are expected to close by the end of this year. Over halfway through 2009, consumers still aren’t in the mood to spend.
*Another 4,000 are expected not to close, but to start taking 3 hour lunches.
*Sounds like more customers were taking a penny than giving a penny.

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The White House is asking doctors to help promote its drive to overhaul health care. Docs also got a brochure telling them how they can help Obama get what he wants.
*Brochures were mailed when White House officials couldn’t get an appointment for 3 months.
*Most docs put the brochures in their waiting room with the 8 month old copies of “People” for patients to read.

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SC Gov. Mark Sanford rebuffed his Lt. Governor’s call to resign, saying he won’t be “railroaded” out of office. If Sanford steps down, the Lt. Gov promised he wouldn’t run in 2010.
*And speaking of railroads, Sanford admitted having an affair with a 35-year-old baggage handler from Amtrak.

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Chris Brown will spend the next year in group counseling sessions learning about control and other relationship issues as part of his court-ordered treatment for beating ex-girlfriend Rihanna.
*Well this is one time when a rap session might literally be a rap session.
*The only thing he’s got to go to group counseling for is to learn how to get along with all his Benjamins.

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acidMexico now has one of the world’s most liberal laws for drug users after eliminating jail time for small amounts of marijuana, cocaine, heroin, LSD and meth.
*Apparently, when tourists are hopped up on LSD, it’s easier to sell them a time-share.

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Iraqi police said special forces recovered a stolen Picasso and arrested a man planning to sell it during a raid of his house in southern Iraq. The painting, “The Naked Woman,” was looted from Kuwait during Saddam’s 1990 invasion.
*At that time, Saddam had the painting “fixed” so all the naked woman’s parts were where they’re supposed to be.
*Of course, “special forces” in Iraq is the equivalent to our museum security guards here, so no big surprise.

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Health officials are urging people not to panic over estimates of 90,000 people dying from swine flu this fall. So far it hasn’t mutated or been more deadly than the flu strains we always see.
*They further tried to relax people by telling them, “Look, if 90,000 people croak, there’s bound to be at least one person among them you didn’t like anyway.”
*Hey, fewer people to have to bid against when you want something on eBay.

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An executive for an anti-animal cruelty group says her blind and deaf dog, Louie, died after she accidentally left him in her hot car for 4 hours. Robin Starr’s husband put the dog in the car without her knowing it. She doesn’t plan to resign from the SPCA.
*When Louie was found it was discovered he’d gotten the map out and was planning on a return to his original abuser’s home.
*Even still, when Robin walks through the adoption area, all the animals try to look as sick and boring as they can.

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bobtomatoTens of thousands of revelers in Spain pelted each other with tons of ripe tomatoes in the yearly food fight known as the “Tomatina.” The battle is usually an hour long.
*Starving people in Africa who see footage of the festival refer to it as “What the Hell?!”

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China launched a national organ donation system to try to cut down on body parts harvested from executed prisoners, who make up the majority of donors. The idea is to get regular citizens more comfortable with donating their organs after they die.
*Their selling point is that if you refuse, you’ll be picked up and sentenced to death anyway so you may as well go ahead and sign the papers.

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The narrowest house in NYC is only 9 1/2 feet wide and 42 feet long, but it’s for sale for $2.7 million. It was built in 1873 and boasts plenty of light with large windows in the front and back, and a skylight.
*It’s believed nothing that skinny has brought in that much money since Nicole Richie.

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Microsoft is apologizing for altering a photo on its site to change the race of one of the people shown in the picture. A photo for an ad in Poland changed the black guy’s head to white. But his hands are still black.
*Don’t like black people? There’s an app for that.

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jessicasimpsonThe founder of Papa John’s got back the ’71 Camaro he sold years ago to help keep his family’s business afloat. John Schnatter spent years searching for it, offered $250,000 to whoever found it.
*Upon hearing this news, Jessica Simpson put out a reward in an attempt to get her virginity back.

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Astronomers found an odd, fiery planet so close to its star and so big it’s triggering huge plasma tides on the star. Those tides in turn are warping the planet’s orbit. The result: the planet will eventually crash into the star.
*Usually when bumping into a star is this dangerous, the star is Keifer Sutherland.

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Embarrassed feds revealed almost 4000 convicts behind bars nationwide were sent $250 in stimulus checks. The same cash also may have been sent to fugitives, people kicked out of the country and even dead people.
*Of course, convicts sent the checks back and asked to be paid in cigarettes, but that’s not the point.
*Usually the only stimulus you get in prison is a wink from the cafeteria dude when he gives you extra potatoes.

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Experts in Japan unveiled a prototype hi-tech electric wheelchair. They’re thinking of adding more robot-like features like having it come to your bedside when you call.
*Like Dr. Conrad Murray.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger has put his massive, legendary Conan sword on display in the Governor’s Office. He put a picture of it there out on Twitter.
*Wow. I knew there was a lot of budget cutting to do in California, but I didn’t think he’d have to bring that out.
*Now we know why everyone wore armor to Arnold’s ribbon-cutting ceremonies.

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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