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Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”! www.notoriousdadmusic.com
Experts say Halloween sales are expected to reach a record-breaking $6 billion in 2009, up 4.2% from last year. Candy sales are the fastest-growing part of the market, projected to grow by nearly 7%. Costumes are up 2.4%.
*Except the candy isn’t to give out, it’s to keep and eat yourself. There’s a recession on dammit!
*Although statistically, that should be divided up between “good candy” and “the stuff that will still be sitting in the bottom of the bucket in February.”
A report says your chances of survival vary widely depending on what hospital you go to. You’re twice as likely to die at low-rated hospitals than in top-rated ones.
*For instance, if you’re going to a guy who gives MRI’s out of a white van like the people who sell speakers, your chances are slim.
*For instance, if you’re at a hospital and you can tell the sign outside was changed over from a Days Inn sign, you’re probably not going to make it.
Disney is giving its chain of Disney Stores an extreme makeover, and it’s being led by Apple exec and Disney board member Steve Jobs. The remake of the 340 stores will shift from typical retail to an “experience” with more interactive elements.
*Such as “Captain Hook’s Shoplifting Adventure.”
*Jobs was called in when the Fairy Godmother from Cinderella was too busy to do it with one wave of her wand.
*Jobs is expected to change it to “the geekiest place on earth.”
*Jobs is expected to change it to “the appiest place on earth.”
*What’s Jobs going to do, use technology to make the dwarves smaller and more compact?
*Step one: change the Snow White story so that the witch offers her a poison Apple iMac.
The Senate Finance Committee approved a middle-of-the-road health care plan. The $829-billon, 10-year plan would help (or force) most Americans get coverage without creating a government plan.
*It’s called “middle of the road” because if you go somewhere and lie down in the middle of the road, you’ll be just as healthy as you will under the plan.
Members of the committee that gave Obama the Nobel Peace Prize to howls of laughter around the world are defending their choice. One said, “Alfred Nobel wrote the prize should go to the person who has contributed most to the development of peace in the previous year. Who has done more for that than Barack Obama?”
*Um…wow…Heidi and Spencer are two people that come to mind.
*How about Dr. Conrad Murray? He gave Michael eternal peace.
*Was that Alfred Nobel or Alfred E. Neuman?
The 89-year-old leader of the Unification Church, Rev. Sun Myung Moon, will marry 40,000 people in the US and South Korea. Moon is a self-proclaimed Messiah who says he was 15 when Jesus called on him to carry out his unfinished work. In the past, followers let Moon pick their spouses believing he has divine insight.
*Wow, at 15 all I was being called to do was smash beer bottles against road signs.
*Let me guess, the fact that he did NOT put Jon & Kate together is at the top of his resume.
A Delaware first-grader suspended for bringing a camping utensil to school will likely get a reprieve. 6-year-old Zach Christie was ordered to 45 days in an alternative school for troublemakers for using a combination folding fork, knife and spoon to eat lunch. It’s banned as a dangerous instrument.
*And the shovel he uses to dig latrines isn’t?
*That’s not dangerous. You should see what he did to one bully with his Pinewood Derby car.
*It’s the new American scout motto: “Always be prepared to get busted and take the fall for something you didn’t do.”
Deep budget cuts are forcing colleges to lay off instructors and eliminate classes, making it harder for students to get into the courses they need to earn their degree. The result…it takes longer to get through college.
*Relax, it ain’t like there’s a job out there waiting on them to get out.
*Considering it took many of them 5 ½ years to get through high school, this won’t come as a shock to many parents.
*Students are also disheartened to learn that taking lessons from the Video Professor DVDs sold on TV does not count toward college credit.
3 physicists won the 2009 Nobel Prize for work on fiber optics that helped unleash the IT revolution. They were hailed by the Nobel jury as “the masters of light.” The 1966 discovery of fiber optics meant text, music, images and video could be transferred around the globe in a split second.
*Making it infinitely easier to steal music.
*The team had breakthrough successes when they started using super-thin threads of glass for fiber instead of Raisin Bran.
Fox says Carrie Underwood will host a 2-hour variety special tentatively titled, “Carrie Underwood: An All-Star Holiday Special” Dec. 7. She’ll perform new music, previous hits and holiday classics. Musical guests will include Dolly Parton, Brad Paisley and David Cook.
*Actually the whole title is “Carrie Underwood: An All-Star Holiday Special that Doesn’t have Clay Aiken In It.”
*Kellie Pickler was supposed to be on it but went to the wrong studio and wound up on the Viva La Bam Holiday Special.
*It’s going to be great. David Cook is going to show us how he uses an Advent calendar to count down the days ‘til nobody cares who he is anymore.
Morgan Freeman is using his fame to help his friend run for governor of Mississippi in 2011. He’s written a fundraising letter and is hosting a cocktail party in LA next week for Bill Luckett, who’s seeking the Democratic nomination.
*In fact, wherever Bill goes on the campaign trail, Morgan is right behind him narrating his every move like he did for Andy in “Shawshank Redemption.”
Hours after Michael Jackson’s first posthumous single “This Is It” was released, it came out the tune was recorded 18 years ago by an obscure Puerto Rican singer named Sa-Fire.
*Maybe Sa-fire is a pseudonym Michael was using after his hair burst into flames.
A 7-year-old Ohio boy playing backyard football was tackled by a deer. Brandon Hiles encountered the buck when the ball rolled into woods. It ran at him and flipped him with its antlers, leaving bruises and a gash. His 9-year-old buddy beat the deer with a stick to make it go away.
*Really? That’s the play the Defensive Coordinator sent in?
*The buck is rumored to be the only football player Rush Limbaugh is going to be allowed to buy.
*Well to be fair, if the ball was rolling into the woods, that’s a fumble and you can’t blame the deer for scrambling.
A Wisconsin woman stripped in front of her kids to avoid arrest for shoplifting, then scuffled with cops and exposed herself through a squad car window. 36-year-old Julia Laack allegedly stole a bag of beef jerky and a lighter.
*If you’re a regular beef jerky connoisseur, should you really be so eager to get naked for everybody?
*The woman felt even stupider after she was told she didn’t even need the lighter…that beef jerky comes pre-cooked.
A bill making the rounds on Capitol Hill proposes a tax break of up to $3,500 per person for pet care expenses. It’s to promote pet ownership during economic down times. Nobody thinks it has a prayer, but it’s called the HAPPY Act.
*I think that’s completely fair since a lot of people will be living on top of those cat towers after they’ve been foreclosed on.
*Is catnip covered under Medicare’s prescription plan D?
Jon Gosselin has been ordered to return $180,000 in marital funds, which he took from an account in violation of an arbitrator’s order. He has to do it by October 26 or appear before the judge for contempt.
*Or even scarier…he’ll face the bank’s late fees!
*Jon’s defense that the tooth fairy leaves $22,500 under each kid’s pillow was not believed.
PETA attacked Paris Hilton for recently buying a pet mini-pig, claiming she’s setting a “wretched example” by treating animals like they’re “as disposable as her friends and fiances.” PETA says, “The Chihuahuas, ferrets, and kinkajous she’s paraded through her home in the past were not accessories, and pot-bellied pigs aren’t either.”
*Chihuahuas, ferrets and kinky what?
*If I’d have known anything with a pot belly could get stroked and cuddled by Paris I’d have stalked her a long time ago.
©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC