Dec 07

Bookmark the main Stiles Files site for the 10 funniest things on the web daily

 

Occupy Wall StreetTracy Postert used to be an Occupy Wall Street protester.  But then she got hired by a big financial brokerage…on Wall Street.  They knew she was from the Occupy movement because when asked what her salary demands were, she couldn’t come up with any.
(The Real Story)


 

Joan RiversDonald Trump says he will not ask about Obama’s birthplace when he moderates a Republican debate in Des Moines later this month.  But he will send all candidates into the streets teamed with Piers Morgan and Joan Rivers to compete in fundraising challenges.
(The Real Story)


 

Telemundo soap operaWhen a WI mom collapsed with severe asthma, her 10-year-old daughter called 911, did chest compressions and started mouth-to-mouth.  She said she learned how by watching “Grey’s Anatomy.”  Well, actually she learned the mouth-to-mouth from watching Spanish soap operas.
(The Real Story)


 

Treasury DepartmentA Detroit mom traded her 4-bedroom home worth $96,000 for a 2006 Chevy minivan with 85,000 miles on it.  She says, “I really feel like I made a good decision.”  I think we’ve found a good new prospect for Secretary of the Treasury!
(The Real Story)


 

Christmas presentsA SC woman admitted to killing a 67-year-old family friend in FL and leaving her body under a pile of Christmas presents in her own home.  Sadly, the family picked her up, shook her and still couldn’t figure out what she was.
(The Real Story)


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

©2011, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com
    @TheStilesFiles

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Nov 29

Bookmark the main Stiles Files site for the 10 Funniest Things on the Web Daily

 

pepper sprayCustomers getting pepper-sprayed, looters, blood in the aisles, and death.  That was Black Friday in America.  Probably not such a good idea to make pepper-spray one of the doorbuster items.
(The Real Story)


 

Magic 8 BallObama upset some folks by eliminating God from his Thanksgiving-themed weekly Internet address.  He said his family was “reflecting on how lucky we are.”  Which leads many to believe he makes decisions using one of those Magic 8-Balls.
(The Real Story)


 

TwitterKansas’ Governor squealed on an 18-year-old girl who tweeted during a state capitol visit.  She had to write letters of apology.  The worst part was the letters had to be longer than 140 characters.
(The Real Story)


 

dead birdAuthor Barbara Walsh sugarcoats nothing in her children’s book “Sammy in the Sky,” which is intended to help kids deal with the death of a pet.  This is the follow-up to her earlier book, “Oh Well, Time to Flush Tweetie.”
(The Real Story)


 

Paris HiltonParis Hilton did her part to help the economy by buying a 2012 California Spyder Ferrari worth $300,000.  She also has 2 Bentleys, a Lexus LFA, a hybrid Escalade and a Range Rover.  It’s getting so it’s hard to know which vehicle to get busted for cocaine possession in Vegas in.
(The Real Story)


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

©2011, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com
    @mikestiles

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Nov 21

Bookmark the main Stiles Files site for the 10 Funniest Things on the Web Daily

 

wooden duckA watchdog group put out its list of the worst children’s toys.  It includes a “Samurai Mega Blade,” a Godzilla with dagger-like attachments, even a wooden duck whose string could strangle somebody.  Especially if the kid is given a wooden duck for Christmas instead of the PS3 they wanted.
(The Real Story)


 

Sean PennThe Vatican will take legal action to stop Benetton ads showing the Pope kissing an imam on the mouth.  They also have Obama kissing Hugo Chavez on the mouth.  And everyone knows only Sean Penn has really done that.
(The Real Story)


 

clarinetAmy Winehouse had written all the songs that were to appear on her 3rd album.  But her plans were to release a jazz album first.  The first jazz song was going to be “Hey This Clarinet Makes a Good Swizzle Stick.”
(The Real Story)


 

turkeyA college lacrosse player in RI was busted for killing a rabbit with a hockey stick and using the body as a puck.  He was released and will be allowed to go home to NY for Thanksgiving…for the family’s traditional smashing of a live turkey with a croquet mallet.
(The Real Story)


 

justin bieberDemi Moore will divorce Ashton Kutcher after 6 years, strongly suggesting it’s because Ashton cheated.  In September, a woman claimed she had unprotected sex with him in San Diego…thinking he was Justin Bieber.
(The Real Story)


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

©2011, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com
    @mikestiles

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Nov 11

Bookmark the main Stiles Files site for the 10 Funniest Things on the Web Daily

 

Homeland SecurityObama will ask government agencies to cut back on promotional items.  Looks like I won’t be getting that wacky Homeland Security, “Official Airport Pat-Down Specialist” t-shirt for Christmas this year.
(The Real Story)


 

Family CircusBil Keane, creator of the one-panel comic “Family Circus” died at 89.  He will be buried in a circular coffin with a little dashed line leading all the way to the cemetery.
(The Real Story)


 

MRIWalmart wants to offer a range of medical services from basic prevention to management of chronic conditions like diabetes and heart disease.  I hate the long lines while people try to figure out the self-MRI machines.
(The Real Story)


 

fruitcakeObama quickly reversed a plan to tax live Christmas trees this season.  Instead, there will be a special tax imposed for the safe, professional disposal of fruitcakes.
(The Real Story)


 

Stephen KingStephen King announced his foundation will help struggling Maine residents buy heating oil.  Of course, the oil will be delivered by semi-dismembered psychopaths, but you’ve got to do things Stephen’s way.
(The Real Story)


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

©2011, The Stiles Company, LLC

www.mikestiles.com    @mikestiles

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Aug 17

The Blog Monologue

 

Teen Choice AwardsAmerican intelligence thinks Pakistan’s spy agency let the Chinese examine the wreckage of the Black Hawk stealth chopper destroyed during the Osama bin Laden strike.  Plus they somehow knew in advance the winners of the Teen Choice Awards.


 

Hot dogOscar Meyer and Ball Park franks went to federal court, where a judge will determine if they broke false-advertising laws.  The fun thing about Ball Park franks is they plump when you sue ‘em.


 

Lady GaGaLady Gaga and her team are going to reinterpret Santa’s workshop and put it on display at Barneys.  The window will feature mannequins dressed in reindeer meat dresses.


 

WalnutsA 19-year-old Palm Bay, FL woman faces charges for beating a man with a wooden nutcracker.  And yes, hilarious ER nurses did designate the man’s bed the Nutcracker Suite.


 

SnookiSnooki” offered up her predictions for 2012 in the Wall Street Journal.  “I feel like the first thing that’s going to happen is a blackout.  And then everyone freaks out and the world goes crazy.”  Well, if there’s anyone who knows about blacking out, it’s Snooki.


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

 

©2011, The Stiles Company, LLC

www.mikestiles.com    @mikestiles

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Nov 10

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

Charlie SheenThe presidential commission investigating the BP spill challenged claims safety was sacrificed to cuts costs.  Findings support BP’s conclusions, flaws with the cement job, faulty maintenance, and its own employees misreading a critical pressure test.  Charlie Sheen’s wife misread a critical pressure test too and look what happened.


A study to see what method best uncovers cancer risks underlines the importance of knowing your family health history.  They suggest holiday gatherings as a great time to get the info you want.  So when you’re getting your family picture made in front of the Christmas tree, but it’s being taken with an x-ray machine, you’ll know why.


Lindsay Lohan’s mom says Lindsay’s experience at Betty Ford led her to want to open her own rehab facilities for other young troubled people.  It’s not unlike Hulk Hogan’s son wanting to open a driving school.


Amazon.com is buying Quidsi, owner of Diapers.com and Soap.com, for $500 million.  I wonder if in the offices of diapers.com they argue over who has to change the web site.


British health officials are hard at work on a new app that’ll let users pee into their cell phones and find out within minutes if they have an STD.  The best part is, your phone will help you by playing an MP3 of a babbling brook until you go.


Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

©2010, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

Tagged with:
Nov 21

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

2panel_Insert“Christmas in the Suburbs!”  Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

________________________________________________________________________

sarahshortsThe Army will ban the media from covering Sarah Palin’s appearance at Fort Bragg, NC because they’re scared it will look like a lack of support for Barack Obama.
*Rumor is if they let cameras on the base, Obama’s going to make them drop and give him 50.
*Plus she’s going to be wearing this sexy little USO costume with a short skirt, and they’re worried that’ll be the next Newsweek cover.

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UPS beat its peers, even the US Post Office, in the consumer shipping sector of the annual “Climate Counts” scorecard and was rated No. 11 among all 143 ranked companies.  Companies are judged on their climate impact and corporate support of climate initiatives.
*UPS’s goal is to make their trucks as energy efficient and environmentally friendly as Fred Flintstone’s car.
*Well if the post office would let you recycle stamps like my Uncle got sent to prison for, they might have done better!

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3GcoverageA federal judge turned down AT&T’s request to stop Verizon ads displaying maps comparing 3G wireless coverage.  AT&T isn’t saying the maps aren’t accurate, they’re saying it gives the impression you can’t get service at all outside the 3G coverage area.
*Even worse for AT&T, Google Maps has now added a 3G view option along with the map and aerial tabs.
*Adding insult to injury, after the judge said no, he looked at the AT&T lawyers and said, “Can you hear me now?”

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An FAA computer glitch caused widespread cancellations and delays for the second time in 15 months.  Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) said the country’s aviation system is “in shambles.”
*Industry experts don’t expect it to be long before the FAA is changed to the WTF.
*Apparently the system was hacked by some kids playing “Call of Duty,” and commercial airliners were ordered to stop dropping their payloads on Berlin.

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fatmanThe first county-by-county survey of obesity confirms people are fattest in the Southeast and Appalachia.  Experts say those cultures embrace fatty, unhealthy foods and shun exercise.
*Um, by “embracing fatty foods,” does that mean going on a date with a pig?
*And yes, they count chopping vegetables as exercise.

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A week after quitting CNN, Lou Dobbs is considering possible runs for the White House or US Senate.  He’d run for Senate in NJ, where he has a home, or as a third-party candidate in the presidential elections.
*Well, Sarah Palin wants to be a talk show host, so why don’t they just do an even trade?
*Experts say he should probably try competing for something smaller first, like America’s Top Chef or something.

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aolmanAOL will cut a third of its workforce, about 2,500 jobs, as part of their planned spin-off from Time Warner.  When AOL disastrously merged with Time Warner in 2000, it was valued at $163 billion.  Now it’s expected to be worth around $3 billion.
*The name change to “SOL” is imminent.
*It is kind of sad when AOL executives sit down at their desks and the “You’ve Got Mail” voice says “You’ve Got No Working Business Model!”

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NY state’s top court ruled public officials can recognize out-of-state gay marriages.  Governor David Paterson ordered all state agencies to recognize out-of-state gay marriages and has said he’d sign a gay marriage bill into law.
*Of course to recognize gay couples, the first thing you have to have is a pretty good gaydar.
*It’s Paterson’s understanding that gay marriages would shock and draw attention away from his straight affairs.

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collegetuitionHundreds of students demonstrated after University of California leaders approved a 32% hike in undergrad fees.  That will cost students an extra $2,500 by next fall, a threefold increase in one decade.
*Cause really, there’s only so much blood and sperm you can sell to put yourself through college.
*It’s gotten so bad that members of the chess club have started bulking up so they can score a football scholarship and stay.

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“Jon & Kate Plus 8″ ends Monday.  In the final hour, Jon and Kate go on separate outings with the kids.  And each newly single parent will reflect on what the future might hold.  Their time slot will go to baker Buddy Valastro’s show “Cake Boss.”
*Separate outings yes, but both to their respective divorce attorneys offices.
*I can tell you what the future holds for Jon…maybe one more interview on Joy Bahar, then doing local cable ads for heating & air companies.
*Just to help us through the transition, could they call Buddy’s show “Eggs & Flour Make Cake”?

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santaletterThe Postal Service is dropping a popular program begun in 1954 in North Pole, Alaska where volunteers answer letters to Santa.  Last year, a volunteer in Maryland was found to be a registered sex offender, a big enough scare to shut down the program.
*Apparently in the letters he wrote back to kids, he wanted something more left out for him than milk and cookies.
*The kids would sent Santa their Christmas lists on Twitter, but they can’t keep it to less than 140 characters.

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A 2-year-old in north Mississippi helped his mom give birth to his brother on the living room couch.  He caught the baby before firefighters arrived.
*Unfortunately, the toddler is not on the family’s preferred provider list so it’s not covered on their insurance.
*Well, I don’t know if changing channels to the Discovery Health channel so mom could watch births on TV counts as “helping.”

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alexandraJohn Kerry’s daughter, Alexandra, was busted for DUI in LA.  The 36-year-old film producer only blew a .06.  The legal limit is .08 in California, but drivers under that can still be prosecuted for dangerous driving.
*Her dad got “swift-boated” and now she’s being “schnapps-boated”!

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

Tagged with:
Nov 20

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

2panel_Insert“Christmas in the Suburbs!”  Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

________________________________________________________________________

AirTran

AirTran

AirTran will outfit all its 138 Boeing jets with seat-back advertising.  2.5-by-9-inch, changeable, full-color ads you’re forced to look at during boarding, taxi, takeoff, landing and deplaning.
*The good news is, you can get a discount on your flight if you’re willing to kick an advertising message in Morse code against the seat of the guy in front of you.
*Also, all air sickness bags will have ads for “Project Runway” on them!

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J.C. Penney will no longer publish its 2 “big book” catalogs.  They’ll focus on online and a few smaller niche catalogues.
*Seriously, if this keeps up, little old ladies will have absolutely nothing to sit on so they can see over the steering wheel.
*Kids all over will now have to use magic markers to circle the things they want for Christmas on their computer screens.

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lindsaylohanThe Insurance Institute for Highway Safety released its top 2010 safety picks.  Subaru’s the only make with a winner in all 4 vehicle classes in which it competes.  Ford and Volvo have 6 winners.
*A footnote in the report said what we all know, that the sturdiest, safest vehicles overall were the clunkers recently turned in for cash.
*As always, the report noted no vehicle is safe if driven by Lindsay Lohan or Hulk Hogan’s son.

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Hundreds of Sarah Palin fans lined up at a Michigan book store to meet her.  Some camped overnight to be the first to get wristbands from Barnes and Noble.
*Are you kidding?  After seeing that Newsweek photo of her vogueing in her short shorts, what depressed, unemployed Michigan man wouldn’t wait in line to see her?
*The store says they will position Sarah so she can see books on Russia right from her table!

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byrd91-year-old West Virginia Sen. Robert Byrd became the longest-serving lawmaker in congressional history.  The former Klansman started in 1952.
*Byrd says having someone around with his perspective is valuable, and he thinks President Coolidge is doing just fine.
*Experts credit his success with his ability to use his Medic-alert necklace to quickly summon congressmen who’ll vote the way he wants them to.

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Obama predicted professed 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed will be convicted and executed.  He quickly added he’s not prejudging the trial’s outcome.  Critics argue the trial will give Mohammed a world stage to air his views.
*Which is why it’s particularly bothersome Obama’s going to try him on TV with Judge Hatchett.
*Step one is finding an impartial jury who is not familiar with the case, the news, the country, the planet, what day it is or the fact that they’re alive.

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janetjacksonJanet Jackson says she recognized Michael’s drug problem, and tried to help, but he rebuffed attempts to intervene.  She said, “You can’t make ‘em drink the water.”
*You can’t make ‘em drink the water…but the Jesus juice however…”
*What do you think tipped her off there might be a problem, Michael converting a guest room into a full surgical suite?

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“Uncharted 2: Among Thieves” got a leading 8 nominations for the Video Game Awards on Spike TV.  Also up for Game of the Year is “Batman: Arkham Asylum,” “Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2,” zombie thriller “Left 4 Dead 2,” and “Assassin’s Creed 2.”
*Don’t tell me Minesweeper got passed over again!
*All are competing for the coveted Sweaty Controller.

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dnaObama met briefly with a half brother who lives in China and recently wrote a semi-autobiographical novel about the abusive Kenyan father they share.  The brother described the meeting as “overwhelming” and “intense.”
*Mostly because of the DNA tests the Secret Service ran on him before Obama would enter the area.
*The brother remembered fondly the games the two of them would play as children, like “Hide and Go Seek,” “Mother May I,” and “Bring America to its Knees So it Will Have No Choice but to Accept Socialism.”

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More people are fighting for their right to dry their laundry on a clothesline.  Project Laundry List argues you can save money and help the environment by not using your dryer.
*With everyone wearing their pants so low, we see everybody’s underwear anyway, so why not?
*People who live near paper mills…not fighting for the right so much.

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jacksparrowThis year’s “Sexiest Man Alive” is once again Johnny Depp.  Depp edged out Hugh Jackman to get the nod from People magazine.  The 46-year-old also won in 2003.
*In a related story, Jon Gosselin won People’s “Most Desperate Man Alive.”
*Christian Bale would have been in the running, but People’s photographers were afraid to go anywhere near him.

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Obama says he’s worried spending too much money to help revive the economy could undermine a fragile recovery and throw us into a “double-dip” recession.
*Economic advisors are also look out for possible Waffle Cone and Marble Slab recessions.
*And I think we all remember building up our courage all week to go on our first loop-de-loop recession.

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marsroverNASA and Microsoft launched an interactive site that lets you explore Mars.  The “Be a Martian” site invites the public to help perform tasks like improving maps.  There’s so much data coming back from Mars, they literally need the public’s help to deal with it.
*They’d also like you to show up for the next shuttle launch if you have any experience at all mixing liquid hyrdrogen.
*They do however ask that gamers stop playing Halo using hijacked Martian rovers.

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Taylor Swift will create a line of greeting cards.  American Greetings says cards, gift wrap, stationery, online greetings and other products overseen by Swift will be here in the spring.
*This was tried once before with Hank Williams Jr. greeting cards, which only had a bottle of whiskey on the front and some scribbled writing you couldn’t read on the inside.
*Also on tap, new Taylor-Made golf balls that plays “You Belong With Me” when you hit them.

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hamburgerhelperThe “Holy Grail” of Michael Jackson memorabilia gets auctioned Saturday.  It’s one of his white gloves.  Estimated value is $40,000-$60,000 at the lowest.
*A white glove used in the Hamburger Helper TV ads is expected to go for much, much less.
*At $60,000, kinda makes you glad he only wore one and not the pair.

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An elderly man in Australia who went out to fetch a morning newspaper ended up driving nearly 400 miles after getting lost.  81-year-old Eric Steward eventually stopped and asked for directions after driving for 9 hours.
*Authorities say they’re just glad Australia is surrounded by water, which kept him reasonably contained.
*Two words…”home subscription!”

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complaintboxMissouri Congressman Emanuel Cleaver is seeking co-sponsors for a resolution designating the day before Thanksgiving “Complaint-Free Wednesday.”  Critics complain it’s a waste of taxpayer money and an unserious response to our challenges.
*Believe me, the day you’re trying to thaw out a 20-lb. turkey is not the day to try to shut down complaints.
*Isn’t this really just a backhanded way of forcing complaint department employees everywhere to take an uncompensated furlough?

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

Tagged with:
Nov 19

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

2panel_Insert“Christmas in the Suburbs!”  Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

________________________________________________________________________

mummyResearchers found signs of heart disease in 3,500-year-old mummies.  It proves modern risk factors like fast food, smoking and a lack of exercise aren’t the only reasons arteries clog.
*Maybe the 13th plague of Egypt as outlined in the Bible was the arrival of Jack in the Box.
*If you built a pyramid by hand, and as soon as you got finished they said you had to build another one, wouldn’t you have had a heart attack?

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Seattle police say a man who thought he was ninja impaled himself on a metal fence when he tried to jump it.  A nearby cop heard him screaming for help.  They say alcohol was likely involved.
*Real Ninja’s don’t have hollowed out nunchakus full of Jim Beam.
*I think the first thing they teach you as part of a secret league of assassins is how to scream like a girl so rescue personnel can find you.

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coedsA study shows coed dorms fuel unhealthy behavior.  Residents are 2.5 times more likely to binge drink weekly and have more sex partners.  Porn use was also higher.
*You mean men learn even that early in life that if you’re going to live with women, it helps to be drunk?
*Parents might want to think twice if they see they’re moving their kids into Sodom or Gomorrah Hall.

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Sarah Palin called the Newsweek cover photo of her “sexist.”  From the August issue of Runners World, it shows her in short runner’s shorts.  Newsweek says it was the “most interesting image available.”
*Cut me some slack, I just now got over the pictures of Bill Clinton in his jogging shorts.
*If I were her, I’d just be glad they didn’t find the photo of her from “Beach Volleyball World.”
*I want that magazine to swear…swear they aren’t going to run a photo of Nancy Pelosi wearing nothing but body paint.

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vuvuzelaJapan’s soccer chief agrees the noisy vuvuzela trumpet should be banned from next year’s World Cup in South Africa.  A player said, “You can’t hear what your team mates are saying from 2 meters away.”  The vuvuzela’s incessant noise gets complaints from players, coaches and broadcasters.
*South Africa is concerned a ban might negatively affect ratings for their most popular TV show, “Vuvuzela Idol.”
*The vuvuzela also doesn’t work very well in South African Earth, Wind & Fire cover bands.

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Elton John says he’s back on his feet after being sidelined with the flu and an E. coli infection.  “The worst thing about being in the hospital was it’s the first time I’ve been in bed for 9 days in my life.”
*Up to now, the longest time he spent laying down was to recover from fear after being driven home by Billy Joel one night.
*Elton said he got out just in time because he was sick of having every question he asked about his condition at the hospital met with “circle of life” jokes.

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obamaObama will give an interview to Fox News’ Major Garrett today, perhaps signaling a thaw in relations.  Former communications director Anita Dunn said Fox acted like the communications arm of the Republican Party.
*Fox executives say that if relations continue to improve at the rate they’re going, the White House may begin treating them as well as the 9/11 suspects.
*That’s nothing new, the Discovery Channel acts like the communications arm of the crab fishing industry.

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A Russian icebreaker carrying over 100 tourists, scientists and journalists on a cruise around Antarctica was struggling to free itself from sea ice.  The cruise was advertised as a unique opportunity to watch emperor penguins in their natural habitat.
*Usually I just do a magic trick.  That’s always a good icebreaker.
*The ship was advised to sit right where it is and wait for the inevitable global warming to melt the ice around them.

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amsterdamThe National Gallery in London is displaying a seedy reconstruction of Amsterdam’s Red Light District.  Critics ask if the museum is “prostituting itself” in order to shock.  The museum says they already have paintings that depict gang rape, incest, murder, torture and mutilation.
*This exhibit…just how interactive is it?
*If they mean the museum is showing everything they’ve got in exchange for money, then yeah, I guess all museums are prostituting themselves.

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South Carolina’s Statehouse Christmas tree is shorter than usual.  They found a cheaper dealer in Pennsylvania, but the tree is smaller and branches broke during shipping, leaving bare spots.
*Governor Mark Sanford has suggested repeatedly that really, the best and cheapest Christmas trees can be found in Argentina, and he should go get one immediately.

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badbreathFlorida police are looking for an alleged bank robber with “bad breath” who asked a teller to fill an orange Halloween bag with cash.  He motioned toward his waistband, though the teller never did see a gun.
*Are you sure he wasn’t motioning to his waistband because he also wanted her to put a new belt buckle in the bag?
*That’s weird about the bad breath.  Usually if you do something spontaneous and mischievous, it’s because you just had a Mentos.

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ABC was looking for great stimulus success stories.  In Arizona’s 15th congressional district, 30 jobs were “saved” or created with just $761,420 in stimulus spending!  The website set up by the White House said so.  Just one problem.  There is no 15th congressional district in Arizona.  ABC News found multiple erroneous entries like this.
*What’s worse, the congressman from the nonexistent 15th district has a better voting record than any of the real representatives.
*But the White House put out immediate reassurances that just because there is no 15th congressional district doesn’t mean Obama didn’t legitimately carry that district in the last election with the help of ACORN.

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pepeA decree banning women from wearing pants in Paris is still technically in force.  The rule banning women from dressing like men was introduced in 1800 and has survived all attempts to repeal it.  At the same time, pants are mandatory for Parisian policewomen.
*Of course thanks to their love of Jerry Lewis, men dressing like women has always been encouraged.
*Keep in mind this is a country where Pepe Le Pew could never tell the difference between a cat and a lady skunk.

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A home video hit the web featuring Miss Japan 2008 and Miss Trinidad/Tobago 2008 fully engaged in a hardcore 3-way with some guy.  The Miss Universe pageant tossed it off, saying, “This was 8 months after the pageant and neither were the reigning titleholder.”
*Technically, the sex game they were playing is called “Passing the Scepter.”
*Well I certainly think 2 contestants who get along that well both deserve Miss Congeniality.

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patrickstewartRyan Seacrest’s radio show came to a halt when he asked “Twilight” star Robert Pattinson what the deal is with him and co-star Kristen Stewart.  Pattinson’s handler flipped out and pulled him right out of the chair.
*But to be fair, the handler didn’t hear the question correctly and thought Ryan was asking about Star Trek’s Patrick Stewart.

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

Tagged with:
Nov 18

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

2panel_Insert“Christmas in the Suburbs!”  Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

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facebookThe New Oxford American Dictionary’s 2009 Word of the Year is “Unfriend.”  It means “To remove someone as a ‘friend’ on a social networking site.”  Finalists included sexting, funemployed, and tramp stamp.
*To use it in a sentence, “Kate unfriended Jon, who is now funemployed and sexting girls with tramp stamps who think he can make them famous.”

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Coca-Cola set a goal of doubling revenue by 2020.  The goal “builds upon the mission to refresh the world and inspire moments of optimism and happiness, while making a difference across the globe.”
*Hey, they stole Obama’s mission statement!
*The first strategy in doubling revenues is to go from 2-liter bottles to 4-liter bottles.
*Coke felt the need to increase revenue as quickly as possible because their polar bears are headed for extinction.

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spongebathPolls show Americans are worried about the hidden costs of health care legislation.  They agree major changes are needed, but Democratic bills get a lukewarm reception.
*Hidden medical costs include having to pay for the sponges and clamps they accidentally leave inside you during surgery.
*Like when you’re in the hospital, you have to figure in the cost of having to pay extra to get that extra long sponge bath on the weekends.

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The government says most women don’t need a mammogram in their 40s and should get one every 2 years starting at 50.  That conflicts with the Cancer Society.  Also, the task force said breast self-exams do no good and women shouldn’t be taught to do them.
*They say they should only be conducted by a qualified professional, such as ohhh, say, a task force member.
*Men who’ve been getting regular mammograms since age 25 are referred to an entirely different kind of doctor.

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leviSarah Palin told Oprah it’s heartbreaking to see the road Levi Johnston has taken.  She said she prays for the soon-to-be Playgirl model, and he has an “open invitation” to Thanksgiving dinner.
*Provided he doesn’t get any chest hair in the sweet potato soufflé.
*It will be a little embarrassing when Sarah brings out the baby carrots and he yells, “They’re not mine!”
*I hope Levi enjoys the road he’s chosen because he’ll probably be living in that street in a year or so.

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Photos of Obama bowing to Japan’s emperor have once again angered critics here, just as when he bowed before Saudi royalty.  Critics say it bespoke a US that has become weak and overly-deferential.
*Not only that, as he was bowing he apologized profusely for the Michael Keaton movie “Gung Ho.”
*Witnesses say even when he watches “Return of the Jedi,” he gets on his knees whenever the Emporer comes onscreen.

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ladygagaA study shows kids who don’t show normal fear responses to loud, unpleasant sounds at age 3 may be more likely to commit crimes as adults.  It hints at abnormalities in the part of the brain responsible for being afraid of consequences.
*Or, maybe they’re so pissed off at having to deal with so many sudden loud, unpleasant sounds at age 3 that they grew up to take revenge on society.
*Once they get to be around 12 or 13, they actually seek out loud, unpleasant sounds such as Lady Ga Ga.

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The Supreme Court won’t hear an appeal from Native Americans who think the name of the Washington Redskins is offensive.  None of the judges commented on whether the name’s racist, the team won on legal technicalities.
*It doesn’t help that football is all about taking land either.
*This means the team’s lawyers won’t have to argue their case that really, the nickname is talking about a kind of potato, not Native Americans.

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loudobbsHeidi and Spencer Pratt want to branch out from MTV’s “The Hills” and star in their own reality show.  They’re currently promoting their book, “How to be Famous: Our Guide to Looking the Part, Playing the Press, and Becoming a Tabloid Fixture.”
*The good news is, they’ll probably get the show they’re looking for.  The bad news is, Lou Dobbs has to be in it with them.
*The reality show will show things like how Heidi and Spencer go about finding ghost writers to write their books for them.

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A new exhibit opened at the Smithsonian on commercial holiday displays.  It covers elaborate department store windows and retail displays dating back to the 20s, as well as the creation of floats for the Macy’s Parade.
*The exhibit requires an extra 50,000 kilowatts of electricity.
*And it always happens, as soon as one museum puts up an exhibit on Christmas decorations, the museum up the street has to try to outdo it.

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sweetpotatoA traveler at Miami’s airport has to pay a $300 fine for trying to smuggle 18 fresh sweet potatoes from Bolivia into the US by disguising them as a candy.  They were wrapped in the commercial wrappers of a popular Bolivian candy.
*Wait a minute.  Can we back up to the part where candy in Bolivia is the size of sweet potatoes?
*It’s especially hard to find the potatoes in Bolivia because they keep getting hidden every Easter.

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Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi, in Rome for a UN summit, spent several hours with 200 Italian women recruited by an agency.  But instead of partying with them, he tried to convert them to Islam.
*Thus, the mystery of why Gaddafi’s constant applications to be on ABC’s “The Bachelor” have all been rejected.
*Luckily, the agency’s name is “Elite Models & Converts.”

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carrieprejeanCarrie Prejean is going to be publicly mocked by the Miss California USA pageant.  They’re looking for a Carrie lookalike to play her in a skit for this weekend’s pageant.
*I don’t care.  From what I hear, I’d still rather see Carrie performing her “talent” than any of this year’s contestants combined.
*And if you don’t remember, the allegedly squeaky clean Carrie’s ex-boyfriend released a video of her…uh…polishing her own crown.

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ABC is close to a ordering a pilot for a new “Charlie’s Angels.”  It’s being executive produced by a group including Drew Barrymore.
*They’re working on a very similar, even sexier show over at CBS called “Charlie Sheen’s Angels.”
*Chances are very good it will get picked up because it’s between this pilot and an updated version of “Barnaby Jones.”

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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