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“Christmas in the Suburbs!”  Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

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The New Oxford American Dictionary’s 2009 Word of the Year is “Unfriend.”  It means “To remove someone as a ‘friend’ on a social networking site.”  Finalists included sexting, funemployed, and tramp stamp.
*To use it in a sentence, “Kate unfriended Jon, who is now funemployed and sexting girls with tramp stamps who think he can make them famous.”

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Coca-Cola set a goal of doubling revenue by 2020.  The goal “builds upon the mission to refresh the world and inspire moments of optimism and happiness, while making a difference across the globe.”
*Hey, they stole Obama’s mission statement!
*The first strategy in doubling revenues is to go from 2-liter bottles to 4-liter bottles.
*Coke felt the need to increase revenue as quickly as possible because their polar bears are headed for extinction.

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Polls show Americans are worried about the hidden costs of health care legislation.  They agree major changes are needed, but Democratic bills get a lukewarm reception.
*Hidden medical costs include having to pay for the sponges and clamps they accidentally leave inside you during surgery.
*Like when you’re in the hospital, you have to figure in the cost of having to pay extra to get that extra long sponge bath on the weekends.

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The government says most women don’t need a mammogram in their 40s and should get one every 2 years starting at 50.  That conflicts with the Cancer Society.  Also, the task force said breast self-exams do no good and women shouldn’t be taught to do them.
*They say they should only be conducted by a qualified professional, such as ohhh, say, a task force member.
*Men who’ve been getting regular mammograms since age 25 are referred to an entirely different kind of doctor.

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Sarah Palin told Oprah it’s heartbreaking to see the road Levi Johnston has taken.  She said she prays for the soon-to-be Playgirl model, and he has an “open invitation” to Thanksgiving dinner.
*Provided he doesn’t get any chest hair in the sweet potato soufflé.
*It will be a little embarrassing when Sarah brings out the baby carrots and he yells, “They’re not mine!”
*I hope Levi enjoys the road he’s chosen because he’ll probably be living in that street in a year or so.

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Photos of Obama bowing to Japan’s emperor have once again angered critics here, just as when he bowed before Saudi royalty.  Critics say it bespoke a US that has become weak and overly-deferential.
*Not only that, as he was bowing he apologized profusely for the Michael Keaton movie “Gung Ho.”
*Witnesses say even when he watches “Return of the Jedi,” he gets on his knees whenever the Emporer comes onscreen.

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A study shows kids who don’t show normal fear responses to loud, unpleasant sounds at age 3 may be more likely to commit crimes as adults.  It hints at abnormalities in the part of the brain responsible for being afraid of consequences.
*Or, maybe they’re so pissed off at having to deal with so many sudden loud, unpleasant sounds at age 3 that they grew up to take revenge on society.
*Once they get to be around 12 or 13, they actually seek out loud, unpleasant sounds such as Lady Ga Ga.

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The Supreme Court won’t hear an appeal from Native Americans who think the name of the Washington Redskins is offensive.  None of the judges commented on whether the name’s racist, the team won on legal technicalities.
*It doesn’t help that football is all about taking land either.
*This means the team’s lawyers won’t have to argue their case that really, the nickname is talking about a kind of potato, not Native Americans.

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Heidi and Spencer Pratt want to branch out from MTV’s “The Hills” and star in their own reality show.  They’re currently promoting their book, “How to be Famous: Our Guide to Looking the Part, Playing the Press, and Becoming a Tabloid Fixture.”
*The good news is, they’ll probably get the show they’re looking for.  The bad news is, Lou Dobbs has to be in it with them.
*The reality show will show things like how Heidi and Spencer go about finding ghost writers to write their books for them.

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A new exhibit opened at the Smithsonian on commercial holiday displays.  It covers elaborate department store windows and retail displays dating back to the 20s, as well as the creation of floats for the Macy’s Parade.
*The exhibit requires an extra 50,000 kilowatts of electricity.
*And it always happens, as soon as one museum puts up an exhibit on Christmas decorations, the museum up the street has to try to outdo it.

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A traveler at Miami’s airport has to pay a $300 fine for trying to smuggle 18 fresh sweet potatoes from Bolivia into the US by disguising them as a candy.  They were wrapped in the commercial wrappers of a popular Bolivian candy.
*Wait a minute.  Can we back up to the part where candy in Bolivia is the size of sweet potatoes?
*It’s especially hard to find the potatoes in Bolivia because they keep getting hidden every Easter.

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Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi, in Rome for a UN summit, spent several hours with 200 Italian women recruited by an agency.  But instead of partying with them, he tried to convert them to Islam.
*Thus, the mystery of why Gaddafi’s constant applications to be on ABC’s “The Bachelor” have all been rejected.
*Luckily, the agency’s name is “Elite Models & Converts.”

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Carrie Prejean is going to be publicly mocked by the Miss California USA pageant.  They’re looking for a Carrie lookalike to play her in a skit for this weekend’s pageant.
*I don’t care.  From what I hear, I’d still rather see Carrie performing her “talent” than any of this year’s contestants combined.
*And if you don’t remember, the allegedly squeaky clean Carrie’s ex-boyfriend released a video of her…uh…polishing her own crown.

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ABC is close to a ordering a pilot for a new “Charlie’s Angels.”  It’s being executive produced by a group including Drew Barrymore.
*They’re working on a very similar, even sexier show over at CBS called “Charlie Sheen’s Angels.”
*Chances are very good it will get picked up because it’s between this pilot and an updated version of “Barnaby Jones.”

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www.mikestiles.com