Mar 15

filet mignonA study found eating a single serving of red meat per day may raise the risk of early death.  Meaning I don’t have to worry, because my meat is brown by the time I get through cooking it.
(The Real Story) 


 

Stephen HawkingStephen Hawking will guest-star on “The Big Bang Theory.”  CBS may use his brilliant mind while they have him to come up with a reason why “2 Broke Girls” is still on the air.
(The Real Story)  


 

RudolphA new high-speed railway in northern Sweden has already killed 200 reindeer in 3 months.  Locals call the train the “meat grinder.”  Thus ends the question of why Santa’s reindeer taught themselves how to fly.
(The Real Story)  


 

first baseAn LA area Little League can keep playing thanks to a $1,200 donation from a strip club near LAX airport.  The strippers feel a kinship with the players in that they both get a lot of singles.
(The Real Story)  


 

spring breakMyrtle Beach based Direct Air suspended all flights because they didn’t pay a fuel bill, leaving many spring break travelers stranded.  Clearly what’s needed is a hybrid jet that runs on fuel and stale beer.
(The Real Story)  


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

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Oct 25

The Blog Monologue

SnookiOver 200 Indian girls whose names mean “unwanted” in Hindi have chosen new names.  It’s hoped that will give them new dignity.  But we doubt it since they changed their names to “Snooki.”
(The Real Story)


Rupert BonehamRupert Boneham, the tie-dye wearing “Survivor” favorite, is seeking the Libertarian Party nomination for IN governor.  Not sure he knows he’s not on the show anymore, he’s promising big donors flint to start campfires in exchange.
(The Real Story)


Harold CampingHarold Camping, whose end-of-the-world prophecy created a media frenzy has vanished from the public and the airwaves before his recalculated date of this Friday.  Does he really think he can make us think he was raptured by hiding in his kitchen pantry?
(The Real Story)


Troy PolamaluThe Steelers’ Troy Polamalu was fined $10,000 for calling his wife from the sidelines to let her know he was okay after suffering a possible concussion.  And that’s in addition to the roaming charges the cell carrier charged him.
(The Real Story)


McRibAn NYC McDonald’s cashier jailed for beating 2 irate customers with a metal rod says it was defense.  2 furious women vaulted the counter after a dispute.  Some people just can’t handle hearing the McRib is available for a limited time only.
(The Real Story)


Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

 

©2011, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com
    @mikestiles

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Jun 03

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

 

Will Smith is not dead.  Internet jokesters claimed he fell off a cliff in New Zealand while filming a movie there.  Hey, it was 3 months before I finally accepted that his daughters “Whip My Hair” song wasn’t a joke.


 

A meowing Australian senator made trouble after his cat imitation directed at the female Finance Minister sparked accusations the opposition behaved like sexists and goons.  He later apologized.  Once they got him down out of the tree.


 

Retired pilot “Sully” Sullenberger starts his new job at CBS News as an aviation expert.  Sully is regarded as a perfect fit for CBS News since he’s so good and bringing crippled things in for a crash landing.


 

Italy foiled an attempt by North Korea to import tap-dancing shoes in breach of a UN ban on the sale of luxury goods to Pyongyang.  Speaking of dancing, did you know one of North Korea’s most popular TV shows is “So You Think You Can Eat”?


 

Elephants from the Picadilly Circus have been helping with post-tornado cleanup in Joplin, MO, moving cars and other heavy debris.  The poodles that can ride scooters, however, are less than helpful.


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

 

©2010, The Stiles Company, LLC

www.mikestiles.com

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May 05

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

 

Obama pretty much decided not to release the Osama bin Laden photos.  It’s not that they were going to release them that could have potentially caused a backlash, it’s the fact they were going to put them up on Flickr.


 

A lawsuit claims Aaron’s rental chain has software on its computers that tracks keystrokes, screenshots and even webcam images of customers while they use them.  Not only that, the couches they rent have tiny scales in them that immediately post your weight to Facebook.


 

Scott Pelley of “60 Minutes” will take over as CBS Evening News anchor June 6.  Pelley assumed the job was his because of the recurring dream he kept having about being made Captain of the Titanic.


 

The wedding dress worn by Madonna in “Like a Virgin.”  Michael Jackson’s red leather jacket from “Beat It.”  Ray Charles’ Braille Playboy magazine.  All among memorabilia touring the US starting May 18 to celebrate the Hard Rock Cafe’s 40th anniversary.  Just don’t order the zucchini.  It’s the one Axl Rose used to put down his pants for shows.


 

Miley Cyrus performed a cover song of Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit” during a show in Ecuador last week.  If you think that’s hot, wait ‘til you hear her moving Marilyn Manson medley.


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

©2010, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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Apr 21

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

 

Records show over the past 13 years, a Philly company quietly gained control over nearly a fourth of all 800 numbers in the US and Canada.  Most redirect callers to a phone-sex service.  Or John Edwards’ house.


 

A Hoover exec whose wife and mom are fans of 2 cancelled ABC soaps is yanking their ads from ABC.  The number who “liked” Hoover on Facebook jumped by 3,000 in one day.  Hoover doesn’t call their Facebook fans “Friends,” they call them “Attachments.”


 

A shootout between 2 German circus families competing over tent space left 6 injured.  They used guns, knives and batons.  But I’d think the family who’s willing to be shot out of cannons at the enemy is going to be the winner.


 

The cast of Happy Days claims CBS deprived them of money the network made from merchandise.  Plaintiffs include Potsie, Ralph Malph, Marion Cunningham and Joanie.  The judge said they’re entitled to a settlement, but it’ll be based on the cost of living in the 50’s.


 

After immediate public outcry, NY state health officials yanked a set of proposed guidelines for what were initially deemed “risky” day camp games like tag, Red Rover, kickball, dodge ball and whiffle ball.  Thus endeth the fledgling MFSL or “Medically Fragile Sports League.”


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

©2010, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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Feb 06

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

A spokesman says Charlie Sheen wants to get back to work this month.  ”Work” meaning killing off a case of Jim Beam and treating 4 hookers like show ponies in a hotel room.


For 13 years, Steve Landes has played John Lennon in a Beatles tribute band.  Says he never gets tired of the songs.  But he does kinda get tired of Yoko screaming and throwing him out of her apartment.


The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame will open the world’s first exhibit devoted to rock’s most influential females.  Let me guess, Tiffany can just go ahead and make other plans that day?


Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak told ABC’s Christiane Amanpour if he leaves, there’ll be chaos in Cairo.  That’s like Snooki saying if she leaves “Jersey Shore,” it would sink to a lower level.


Tabloids are reporting Obama’s invited Jennifer Lopez to watch the Super Bowl with him at the White House.  An annoyed Michelle Obama struck back by inviting the Old Spice “Now I’m on a horse” guy.


Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

©2010, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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Nov 18

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

2panel_Insert“Christmas in the Suburbs!”  Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

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facebookThe New Oxford American Dictionary’s 2009 Word of the Year is “Unfriend.”  It means “To remove someone as a ‘friend’ on a social networking site.”  Finalists included sexting, funemployed, and tramp stamp.
*To use it in a sentence, “Kate unfriended Jon, who is now funemployed and sexting girls with tramp stamps who think he can make them famous.”

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Coca-Cola set a goal of doubling revenue by 2020.  The goal “builds upon the mission to refresh the world and inspire moments of optimism and happiness, while making a difference across the globe.”
*Hey, they stole Obama’s mission statement!
*The first strategy in doubling revenues is to go from 2-liter bottles to 4-liter bottles.
*Coke felt the need to increase revenue as quickly as possible because their polar bears are headed for extinction.

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spongebathPolls show Americans are worried about the hidden costs of health care legislation.  They agree major changes are needed, but Democratic bills get a lukewarm reception.
*Hidden medical costs include having to pay for the sponges and clamps they accidentally leave inside you during surgery.
*Like when you’re in the hospital, you have to figure in the cost of having to pay extra to get that extra long sponge bath on the weekends.

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The government says most women don’t need a mammogram in their 40s and should get one every 2 years starting at 50.  That conflicts with the Cancer Society.  Also, the task force said breast self-exams do no good and women shouldn’t be taught to do them.
*They say they should only be conducted by a qualified professional, such as ohhh, say, a task force member.
*Men who’ve been getting regular mammograms since age 25 are referred to an entirely different kind of doctor.

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leviSarah Palin told Oprah it’s heartbreaking to see the road Levi Johnston has taken.  She said she prays for the soon-to-be Playgirl model, and he has an “open invitation” to Thanksgiving dinner.
*Provided he doesn’t get any chest hair in the sweet potato soufflé.
*It will be a little embarrassing when Sarah brings out the baby carrots and he yells, “They’re not mine!”
*I hope Levi enjoys the road he’s chosen because he’ll probably be living in that street in a year or so.

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Photos of Obama bowing to Japan’s emperor have once again angered critics here, just as when he bowed before Saudi royalty.  Critics say it bespoke a US that has become weak and overly-deferential.
*Not only that, as he was bowing he apologized profusely for the Michael Keaton movie “Gung Ho.”
*Witnesses say even when he watches “Return of the Jedi,” he gets on his knees whenever the Emporer comes onscreen.

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ladygagaA study shows kids who don’t show normal fear responses to loud, unpleasant sounds at age 3 may be more likely to commit crimes as adults.  It hints at abnormalities in the part of the brain responsible for being afraid of consequences.
*Or, maybe they’re so pissed off at having to deal with so many sudden loud, unpleasant sounds at age 3 that they grew up to take revenge on society.
*Once they get to be around 12 or 13, they actually seek out loud, unpleasant sounds such as Lady Ga Ga.

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The Supreme Court won’t hear an appeal from Native Americans who think the name of the Washington Redskins is offensive.  None of the judges commented on whether the name’s racist, the team won on legal technicalities.
*It doesn’t help that football is all about taking land either.
*This means the team’s lawyers won’t have to argue their case that really, the nickname is talking about a kind of potato, not Native Americans.

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loudobbsHeidi and Spencer Pratt want to branch out from MTV’s “The Hills” and star in their own reality show.  They’re currently promoting their book, “How to be Famous: Our Guide to Looking the Part, Playing the Press, and Becoming a Tabloid Fixture.”
*The good news is, they’ll probably get the show they’re looking for.  The bad news is, Lou Dobbs has to be in it with them.
*The reality show will show things like how Heidi and Spencer go about finding ghost writers to write their books for them.

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A new exhibit opened at the Smithsonian on commercial holiday displays.  It covers elaborate department store windows and retail displays dating back to the 20s, as well as the creation of floats for the Macy’s Parade.
*The exhibit requires an extra 50,000 kilowatts of electricity.
*And it always happens, as soon as one museum puts up an exhibit on Christmas decorations, the museum up the street has to try to outdo it.

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sweetpotatoA traveler at Miami’s airport has to pay a $300 fine for trying to smuggle 18 fresh sweet potatoes from Bolivia into the US by disguising them as a candy.  They were wrapped in the commercial wrappers of a popular Bolivian candy.
*Wait a minute.  Can we back up to the part where candy in Bolivia is the size of sweet potatoes?
*It’s especially hard to find the potatoes in Bolivia because they keep getting hidden every Easter.

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Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi, in Rome for a UN summit, spent several hours with 200 Italian women recruited by an agency.  But instead of partying with them, he tried to convert them to Islam.
*Thus, the mystery of why Gaddafi’s constant applications to be on ABC’s “The Bachelor” have all been rejected.
*Luckily, the agency’s name is “Elite Models & Converts.”

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carrieprejeanCarrie Prejean is going to be publicly mocked by the Miss California USA pageant.  They’re looking for a Carrie lookalike to play her in a skit for this weekend’s pageant.
*I don’t care.  From what I hear, I’d still rather see Carrie performing her “talent” than any of this year’s contestants combined.
*And if you don’t remember, the allegedly squeaky clean Carrie’s ex-boyfriend released a video of her…uh…polishing her own crown.

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ABC is close to a ordering a pilot for a new “Charlie’s Angels.”  It’s being executive produced by a group including Drew Barrymore.
*They’re working on a very similar, even sexier show over at CBS called “Charlie Sheen’s Angels.”
*Chances are very good it will get picked up because it’s between this pilot and an updated version of “Barnaby Jones.”

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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