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“Christmas in the Suburbs!” Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”! www.notoriousdadmusic.com
Offices shared some of their most memorable suggestion box requests with Careerbuilder.com. Among them: Beer in the vending machine. Bikini Fridays. Only require work during daylight because employee is scared of the dark. Special smoking area for medical marijuana. More time off to pursue side business as a clown
*You’re sure you want to institute Bikini Friday when there’s a risk Marge in accounting might take advantage of it?
*Beer in the break room wouldn’t be such an issue if people didn’t just stand there telling the vending machine all their problems.
A study warns 9 states are barreling toward economic disaster like California. That could mean higher taxes, accelerated layoffs of government employees, overcrowded classrooms and fewer services. The states are AZ, FL, IL, MI, NV, NJ, OR, RI and WI.
*When we’re thinking about giving land back to the Native Americans, you know the economy’s wrecked.
*You’d think we could bring back Wisconsin by getting that free government cheese program going again.
Peru’s Requelme Abanto had 1.5 pounds of metal removed from his stomach, including nails, coins, rusted copper wire and scrap metal. The 26-year-old construction worker ate metal for months and said now he may do it in public. He’s getting a mental health exam.
*So when doctors tell patients they’re not getting enough iron, they should really take the time to make sure the patient fully understands what they mean.
*Well that explains why at restaurants he always asks for a toolbox instead of a doggie bag.
A United Airlines pilot was arrested at Heathrow Airport on suspicion of being drunk right before he was about to fly from London to Chicago. 51-year-old Erwin Washington of Lakewood, Colorado was about to take the lives of 124 passengers and 11 crew in his hands.
*Passengers got suspicious when he got on the intercom for the preflight announcements, started crying and telling everyone how much he loved them.
*Washington was found sitting in a photo booth at the airport cursing because he couldn’t find the jet’s controls.
The Mormon Church for the first time supported gay rights legislation, gaining unanimous approval for Salt Lake City laws banning discrimination against gays in housing and employment. They’re still opposed to gay marriage. In Utah, over 80% of lawmakers plus the governor are church members.
*It was at that moment that for the first time, Merrill and Jimmy Osmond saw each other in a whole new light.
*Apparently there’s a growing issue of finding straight males who want to sing in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
Nov. 18 the California Energy Commission will vote on a proposal that would force retailers by 2011 to limit sales of TV sets to those that consume a third less power than they do today. If passed, the best deals in home theater HDTVs will disappear from shelves.
*Couldn’t we save even more energy if we just turned it off when the 7 shows worth watching aren’t on?
*Okay, but if they’re pushing solar TV’s on us they’re really gonna have to work on that screen glare thing.
Celine Dion isn’t pregnant after all. Her doctor initially confirmed a pregnancy in August through in vitro fertilization. When that got out, Celine confirmed it. But a day later, she found out the embryo had not been implanted successfully.
*Celine had pigged out on a whole walnut that day, felt full and misinterpreted it as a pregnancy.
*Pretty disappointing considering it cost $85 per ticket to hear her announcement.
Atlanta zookeepers and researchers got a western lowland gorilla named Ozzie to voluntarily get his blood pressure taken by a machine called the Gorilla Tough Cuff. It’s the first time a gorilla has ever voluntarily had its blood pressure taken in any zoo.
*Prior to this, handlers had to trick gorillas into going to Rite-Aid and using the free blood pressure machines there.
*Ozzie is expected to ignore the doctor’s advice of cut back on the smoking and try to swing on more tires.
A dating web site says Britons are among the ugliest people in the world. Fewer than 1 in 8 British men and just 3 in 20 women who applied to BeautifulPeople.com were accepted. Swedish men were most successful, with 65% being accepted, while Norwegian women are considered the most beautiful with 76% accepted. Potential members apply with a photo, then existing members of the opposite sex vote on whether or not to admit them.
*Keep in mind, Briton is a country where Harry Potter is considered a “stud.”
*Those who are rejected get referred to Reallynicepersonality.com
Millionaires down on their luck have a place to sell yachts, Ferraris and jewels. BillionaireXchange says “we’re seeing people who need to trade out or trade down from some of their luxury items and facilitate that discreetly so they don’t have to deal with the embarrassment of downgrade.” Members must have a minimum $2 million in verifiable net worth.
*And by “downgrade,” they mean the utter shame of having a high-end Mercedes.
*Prior to this, they had to set their Ferraris and jewels out with the stairmaster and “As Seen on TV” kitchen appliances in their regular yard sales.
NBC dedicates next week to spreading environmental messages on 5 of its prime-time shows. Al Gore has a cameo on “30 Rock.” You’ll also get the global warming routine on “Biggest Loser,” “The Office,” “Heroes” and “Community.” Even hosts on NBC-owned Weather Channel will tell viewers to turn down their thermostats.
*In fact, the only green NBC won’t see during the week are profits, as usual.
*No one is questioning NBC’s commitment to the environment, especially the way they’re recycling Jay Leno.
TLC lawyers are watching lots of TV these days, keeping tabs on Jon Gosselin’s appearances so they can run a tab on how much money he’s making. TLC goes to court next month asking for an order prohibiting Jon from doing appearances without TLC’s prior approval.
*Among noted appearances, Jon’s guest slot on Sesame Street where he and the Count counted how many kids he’s exploited.
*Jon was telling everyone about what life with Kate was like. It’s the only time anyone’s heard Oscar the Grouch say “Please…keep that woman away from me!”
©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC