Mar 13

SupermanThe military unveiled their newest weapon, a non-lethal electromagnetic heat beam that causes sudden, unbearable heat.  We can also tattoo “Jihad is for Wussies” on them from 250 yards away.
(The Real Story) 


 

Elizabeth OlsenElizabeth Olsen’s horror film “Silent House” opened in 4th place at the box office.  It’s about her being trapped in a house where she’s forced to eat 3 normal, well-balanced meals per day.
(The Real Story)  


 

dixieA study found the blood pressure drug Propranolol may mute racist thoughts.  It affects the part of the nervous system that regulates subconscious attitudes on race.  And to lure people into taking the drug, there’s even a little Dixie flag on the bottle.
(The Real Story)  


 

juice boxA CA wine collector and dealer accused of trying to sell over $1.3 million in counterfeit wine was charged with fraud.  Apparently, vintage wine from France does not come in individual juice boxes.
(The Real Story)  


 

Chinese workersA study identified 295 words and phrases the Chinese government looks for when it blocks communication between its citizens.  Also, needless to say, the Chinese Apple iPad factory board on Pinterest has been taken down.
(The Real Story)  


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

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Mar 01

Rick Santorum NASCARThe Rick Santorum-sponsored car in the Daytona 500 finished 19th, but was as high as 3rd place.  The Ron Paul team couldn’t understand why cars have to fight all the time and urged everyone to go to their garages and mind their own business.
(The Real Story) 


 

Dr. ZaiusA conservation group is testing out its “Apps for Apes” program, allowing orangutans to communicate with each other remotely via iPad’s video chat.  That has led to a whole dating site for orangutans called pickbugsoutofmyhair.com
(The Real Story)  


 

chickenKS officials banned an artist from publicly slaughtering chickens.  Amber Hansen wants to draw attention to the process of slaughtering animals.  You know how you call attention to slaughtered animals?  With a dinner bell.
(The Real Story)  


 

Stephen HawkingIt’s come out famed British physicist Stephen Hawking likes sex clubs.  He goes to a particular club in CA with an entourage of nurses, paying for private performances.  If he hired the right nurses, he wouldn’t need those clubs.
(The Real Story)  


 

babyA 2-year-old boy in Wichita unbuckled his seat belt, opened the car’s back door and fell out.  Mom didn’t even notice until she got home.  He’s fine, but mom shouldn’t have taken the doctor so literally when he told her she had a bouncing baby boy.
(The Real Story)  


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

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Feb 18

Apple MacApple released a developer preview of an update for the Mac operating system, dubbed “Mountain Lion.”  The name was chosen after the other candidate, “Overpriced Ostrich” was rejected.
(The Real Story) 


 

diving horseAtlantic City’s Steel Pier is dropping a plan to bring back the legendary attraction from the 1920’s that featured a horse and a rider plunging into a 12-foot-deep water tank from 40 feet.  Wow, thanks for spoiling the ending to Steven Spielberg’s “Warhorse” for me.
(The Real Story)  


 

Wile E. Coyote36-year-old Ludovic Masciave was driving in the French Alps when a 20-ton boulder crashed onto the roof of his car.  Officials were stunned he survived until they found out his grandfather was Wile E. Coyote.
(The Real Story)  


 

Def LeppardWhite House party crasher Tareq Salahi sued wife Michaele, claiming she had an affair with Journey guitarist Neil Schon to make money for herself and the band.  Also, she’s being sued by Def Leppard and Foreigner for not dating anyone in their bands, thereby depriving them of publicity.
(The Real Story)  


 

Niagara FallsCanada agreed to let a member of the Flying Wallendas try a tightrope walk over Niagara Falls this summer.  The family gained legitimate fame back in the 60’s once they changed their name from the “Falling Wallendas.”
(The Real Story)  


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

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Jan 19

dolphinMine-detecting dolphins may be our best way to keep the Strait of Hormuz near Iran open.  When they find a mine, they drop off a floating marker.  Of course it’s hard to do that in secret because they also like to leap out of the water and ring a bell.
(The Real Story) 


 

lap deskFake iPad 2s made of modeling clay were recently sold at stores in Vancouver.  The stores responded by trying to sell disappointed customers lap desks so the clay wouldn’t stain their pants during usage.
(The Real Story)  


 

Ryan SeacrestResearchers in Egypt found the tomb of an ancient superstar.  A singer for the deity Amun-Ra, the Sun God of ancient Egypt, she’s considered the Lady Ga Ga of her day.  Coincidentally, Lady Ga Ga sings for Ryan Seacrest, the sun God of Los Angeles.
(The Real Story) 


 

Paula DeenPaula Deen is not apologizing for waiting 3 years to disclose she has Type 2 diabetes.  She’ll now be paid to endorse a diabetes drug.  Which she will prepare by soaking in butter, wrapping in raw cookie dough, and swallowing whole with a chaser of half-n-half.
(The Real Story)  


 

astronautThe US pledged to join an EU-led effort to develop a space “code of conduct.”  Rule 1: If the space food makes you gassy, you have to stay in the airlock for at least 3 hours.
(The Real Story)  


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

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Jan 11

Bookmark the main Stiles Files site for the 10 funniest things on the web daily

 

Angry BirdsAn iPad in a new protective case went up 100,000 feet above sea level attached to a weather balloon, then fell all the way to back down, crashing on a rocky hillside…with no damage!  It’s so rare you get to play Angry Birds up in the birds’ actual natural habitat.
(The Real Story) 


 

BungeeA 22-year-old Australian woman is recovering after a bungee cord broke, sending her plummeting into crocodile infested white water rapids in Africa.  Ironically, her friends all say she’ll bounce back.
(The Real Story)  


 

Stephen HawkingIntel is looking for ways to help Stephen Hawking reverse the slowing of his speech.  A sensor translates pulses in his cheek into words spoken by a voice synthesizer.  Apple was going to help him, but he didn’t want to sound like Siri.
(The Real Story)  


 

Home closingA WI man with an unusual name is in jail for violating his bail conditions from a previous arrest.  His name is Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop.  Man, he’s going to be really sorry when he has to sign all the papers at a home closing some day.
(The Real Story)  


 

Kim Jong-ilAccording to North Korean authorities, Kim Jong-il’s death has been marked by plunging temperatures.  He was reputed to be able to control the weather.  I don’t think being the only one allowed to wear a jacket counts as “able to control the weather.”
(The Real Story) 


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC

www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

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May 19

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

 

Stefanie Gordon used her iPhone to catch a shot from her airborne plane and capture the shuttle Endeavor as it blasted off.  The photo went viral and have made the unemployed meeting planner from NJ a celeb.  “It just blew up,” she said of the attention.

*Meanwhile, the astronauts’ pictures of Stefanie from the Shuttle went nowhere.


 

Apple has proposed a standardized SIM card smaller than those it currently uses in the iPhone and iPad to be able to produce thinner devices.

*They liken it to Nicole Richie putting her driver’s license in her back pocket.


 

CNN anchor Don Lemon has come out as a gay man in his new book.

*As if naming himself President of the Anderson Cooper tight black t-shirt fan club wasn’t a big clue.


 

Russian police detained a man caught eating an acquaintance’s liver.  A trail of severed body parts including limbs and a head were found across Moscow.  When cops found him, he was eating the liver with potatoes.

*Note to self: when someone asks you to come over, but only after working out when you’re sweaty and salty…do not go over.


 

Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a baby with a member of his household staff, and that’s what sent Maria Shriver packing.  The baby mama worked for the family for 2 decades, retired and received a severance package.  Maria’s now working with a very powerful financial adviser.

*Turns out Arnold liked to play “Terminator: Rise of the Machine” with the staffer.


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

©2010, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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Feb 04

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

A daily newspaper designed by News Corp. exclusively for iPad is available for $40 annually.  For an extra $10/year they’ll throw your iPad on the roof to remind you of the good old days of newspaper delivery.


An orbiting NASA telescope is finding over 50 potential planets in the habitable zone.  Now they’ll look for the basic conditions needed to support life, like proper size, composition, and temperature.  And a Starbucks.


A Muslim advocacy group hopes to groom a crop of aspiring Muslim screenwriters to change their image in Hollywood.  First up, the teen thriller, “I Know You Showed Your Ankles Last Summer!”


Steelers linebacker James Harrison is still criticizing the NFL, calling the NFL’s talk of protecting players “a show.”  He was fined $100,000 for illegal hits this season.  He’s even been accused of punching Anderson Cooper in the head over in Egypt.


A Broward County elementary school teacher is in trouble for getting massages from her students.  So that’s where the French fry oil from the cafeteria disappeared to.


Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

©2010, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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Nov 03

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

British scientists say alcohol is a more dangerous drug than both crack and heroin where the combined dangers to the user and others are considered.  Some misunderstood the intent of the study and are now calling for heroin to be sold in kegs.


The Obamas spent 30 minutes handing out Halloween treats to area kids and military families at the White House.  Those not happy with what they got could file for a “treat modification program.”


Experts say with stores of water ice on the moon, there’s no reason not to start mining there.  Loosely translated, all 33 Chilean miners responded “Oh hell no!”


Scores of iPhone users were late to work after a bug caused the alarm clock to fail to account for Daylight Saving Time.  Apple, famous for making customers adapt to their needs, suggested they move to a different time zone so their iPhone would be correct.


A NY Supreme Court said a girl can be sued over accusations she ran over an elderly woman with her training bicycle when she was 4.  87-year-old Claire Menagh underwent surgery for a fractured hip and died 3 months later.  Claire’s lucky she made it that long.  They were filming “Jackass 3D” near her house a year ago.


Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

©2010, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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Oct 05

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

Justin BieberVerizon could pay out up to $90 million to customers improperly charged for accidental Web access or data usage.  So now you can claim all those Justin Bieber ringtones you downloaded were unintentional.


Tens of thousands rallied near the Lincoln Memorial Saturday as liberals tried to energize their base and create a rally as large as the one held there by Glenn Beck.  Reports are the Jefferson Memorial is starting to get a complex.


Druids, who’ve worshiped the sun and earth for thousands of years in Europe, are now an officially recognized religion.  They’re best known for gathering at Stonehenge every summer solstice.  You can tell them from the tourists because the Druids are the ones chanting, and the tourists are the ones saying, “That’s it?”


Chippendales lost when an appeals court ruled it could not trademark the bow tie and shirt cuffs their guys wear.  The court said they can’t trademark the tie and cuffs without also including the socks they stuff their g-strings with.


Apple’s on a path to overtake Exxon as the largest company by market capitalization.  That’d be a sign the market isn’t valuing industrial companies as much.  Exxon’s responding by changing the name of what they sell to iGas and painting all their pumps white.


Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

©2010, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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Nov 05

(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

2panel_InsertCheck out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

________________________________________________________________________

bugsbunnySix Flags says attendance is down and the people that do come spend less.  In June, Six Flags filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy reorganization.  They have 20 parks in the US, Canada and Mexico.
*Bugs Bunny not only has time now to take a picture with you, he’ll eat lunch with you, ride the log ride with you and walk you to your car.
*Won’t be long before one of those six flags is going to be the white flag of surrender.

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Maryland is creating teams of staffers at hospitals to secretly monitor their colleagues’ hand-washing habits.  $100,000 in federal stimulus money is paying for this.  And even if they catch somebody, they won’t be penalized.  Infections caught at health care facilities are among the leading causes of preventable death.
*Staff spies receive courses in how to disguise themselves as IV poles, bed pans and large bouquets of get well flowers.
*Let me guess, this handwashing checker will show up on patients’ insurance bills as a “consult.”
*Doctors run the risk of being replaced by fast food workers more faithful at obeying the “must wash hands before returning to work” bathroom signs.

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mosesResearchers confirm a 35-mile rift in the Ethiopian desert will likely eventually become a new ocean.  The crack, 20 feet wide in some places, opened in 2005.  The same rift, only underwater, is slowly parting the Red Sea, too.  This won’t happen for a million years or so though.
*Obama already has plans to fly to Ethiopia and have a beer summit to heal the rift.
*Scientists believe the only way to prevent the crack from getting worse is a commitment to trillions of dollars worth of moisturizer.
*A million years?!  Why don’t they do something that affects us horribly right now, like plumber’s crack?

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Research shows a diet heavy in processed and fatty foods increases the risk of depression.  Plus, plenty of fresh vegetables, fruit and fish could help prevent depression.
*That’s why if you look closely at a Three Musketeers wrapper, you’ll see it shows them all in bed with the covers pulled over their heads.
*Okay, but I don’t think “Manic-Depressive Meals” are going to sell as well as Happy Meals.

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flyingfearPeople scared of flying can now have an iPhone app to help.  Virgin Atlantic’s Flying Without Fear course boasts a success rate of over 98%.  1 in every 3 adults are scared of flying.  The app is a video explanation of a flight, frequently asked questions, relaxation exercises and a fear attack button with breathing exercises.
*On the other hand, any of the existing porn apps would distract you enough that you’d never even notice you took off.
*No matter how afraid I am of flying, I’m even more afraid of overpaying for an Apple product.

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Kirstie Alley is going to star in a new A&E reality “docuseries” about her life as a single mom and her efforts to lose weight.  They ordered 10 half-hour episodes from the producer of “American Idol.”
*Sounds like she’s gone from “Cheers” to “Rears.”
*Instead of “Jon & Kate Plus Eight,” the show is going to be called “Kirstie Alley Ate Great.”

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airticketsMost of the big airlines have increased a surcharge for travel on the busiest travel days to $20 each way, up from $10.  The airlines say it’s just supply and demand.  US Airways raised prices first, even though their excuse was “to match moves by our competitors.”
*So yeah, you’re not only having to go spend time with your mother-in-law, you’re having to pay extra to spend time with your mother-in-law.
*If the FAA makes Santa pay per bag on his sleigh, Christmas is in trouble.

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In exchange for no jail time, a woman and her adult daughter had to stand outside a Pennsylvania courthouse holding signs saying they stole a gift card from a 9-year-old girl on her birthday.  Had to do it for 4 1/2 hours.  They stole the card when the girl set it on a shelf while an employee was helping her.
*Their position on the street actually gave them a prime spot for pickpocketing.
*It wasn’t that bad of a punishment.  Their regular job is standing on the street holding a sign that says “We Buy Your Gold.”
*Isn’t the real story here that someone was able to actually get help from a store employee?

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shalamarAl Shabaab, al Qaeda’s group in Somalia, wants to topple the UN-backed government and impose strict Islamic Sharia law.  So, all their soldiers have been told they can’t have any musical ringtones on their phones…just readings by a Muslim cleric.  Movies, dancing at weddings and playing or watching soccer are also banned.
*They imposed the no-music policy when people kept getting Al Shabaab confused with Al B. Sure and Shalamar.
*You’d think watching soccer was banned in the US considering how little we do it.
*You’d think they’d at least let them have the Gap Band’s “You Dropped the Bomb on Me” for inspiration.

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A 28-year-old clerk at a Family Christian Book Store in Simi Valley was arrested for peeping at customers in the restroom with a video camera.  A customer spotted the cam hidden in boxes in the corner.  The moron had the camera on when he positioned it, so he’s on tape as the culprit.
*I wonder if that’s when Adam & Eve grabbed the fig leaves, when they found the camera God hid in the rocks.
*To be fair, that wasn’t specifically laid out in the list of “thou shalt nots.”

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VPeople are asking if the TV series “V” slams Obamamania.  The plot: at a time of political turmoil, a charismatic, telegenic new leader arrives virtually out of nowhere.  He offers a message of hope and reconciliation based on compromise and promises to use technology for a better future that includes universal health care.  The media swoons in admiration.  Only a few “nut cases” question his intentions.   Of course, he’s secretly a totalitarian space lizard who’s come here to eat us.
*Hey, if there were aliens, ACORN would have found them and had them voting in the last election already.
*The aliens aren’t a thing like Obama.  They make decisions in a timely manner and were able to quit smoking.

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2 women on a NY subway got into an argument over one’s refusal to cover her mouth while coughing.  It ended with her spitting on the other, a punch, and the second woman dragging the first to the floor by her hair.
*Now that’s effective and cheap health care reform…allowing us to relentlessly beat people who do unhealthy things.
*The good news is, when two women break into a fight on the NY subway, it frees up a couple of seats.

©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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