(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)
Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”! www.notoriousdadmusic.com
Six Flags says attendance is down and the people that do come spend less. In June, Six Flags filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy reorganization. They have 20 parks in the US, Canada and Mexico.
*Bugs Bunny not only has time now to take a picture with you, he’ll eat lunch with you, ride the log ride with you and walk you to your car.
*Won’t be long before one of those six flags is going to be the white flag of surrender.
Maryland is creating teams of staffers at hospitals to secretly monitor their colleagues’ hand-washing habits. $100,000 in federal stimulus money is paying for this. And even if they catch somebody, they won’t be penalized. Infections caught at health care facilities are among the leading causes of preventable death.
*Staff spies receive courses in how to disguise themselves as IV poles, bed pans and large bouquets of get well flowers.
*Let me guess, this handwashing checker will show up on patients’ insurance bills as a “consult.”
*Doctors run the risk of being replaced by fast food workers more faithful at obeying the “must wash hands before returning to work” bathroom signs.
Researchers confirm a 35-mile rift in the Ethiopian desert will likely eventually become a new ocean. The crack, 20 feet wide in some places, opened in 2005. The same rift, only underwater, is slowly parting the Red Sea, too. This won’t happen for a million years or so though.
*Obama already has plans to fly to Ethiopia and have a beer summit to heal the rift.
*Scientists believe the only way to prevent the crack from getting worse is a commitment to trillions of dollars worth of moisturizer.
*A million years?! Why don’t they do something that affects us horribly right now, like plumber’s crack?
Research shows a diet heavy in processed and fatty foods increases the risk of depression. Plus, plenty of fresh vegetables, fruit and fish could help prevent depression.
*That’s why if you look closely at a Three Musketeers wrapper, you’ll see it shows them all in bed with the covers pulled over their heads.
*Okay, but I don’t think “Manic-Depressive Meals” are going to sell as well as Happy Meals.
People scared of flying can now have an iPhone app to help. Virgin Atlantic’s Flying Without Fear course boasts a success rate of over 98%. 1 in every 3 adults are scared of flying. The app is a video explanation of a flight, frequently asked questions, relaxation exercises and a fear attack button with breathing exercises.
*On the other hand, any of the existing porn apps would distract you enough that you’d never even notice you took off.
*No matter how afraid I am of flying, I’m even more afraid of overpaying for an Apple product.
Kirstie Alley is going to star in a new A&E reality “docuseries” about her life as a single mom and her efforts to lose weight. They ordered 10 half-hour episodes from the producer of “American Idol.”
*Sounds like she’s gone from “Cheers” to “Rears.”
*Instead of “Jon & Kate Plus Eight,” the show is going to be called “Kirstie Alley Ate Great.”
Most of the big airlines have increased a surcharge for travel on the busiest travel days to $20 each way, up from $10. The airlines say it’s just supply and demand. US Airways raised prices first, even though their excuse was “to match moves by our competitors.”
*So yeah, you’re not only having to go spend time with your mother-in-law, you’re having to pay extra to spend time with your mother-in-law.
*If the FAA makes Santa pay per bag on his sleigh, Christmas is in trouble.
In exchange for no jail time, a woman and her adult daughter had to stand outside a Pennsylvania courthouse holding signs saying they stole a gift card from a 9-year-old girl on her birthday. Had to do it for 4 1/2 hours. They stole the card when the girl set it on a shelf while an employee was helping her.
*Their position on the street actually gave them a prime spot for pickpocketing.
*It wasn’t that bad of a punishment. Their regular job is standing on the street holding a sign that says “We Buy Your Gold.”
*Isn’t the real story here that someone was able to actually get help from a store employee?
Al Shabaab, al Qaeda’s group in Somalia, wants to topple the UN-backed government and impose strict Islamic Sharia law. So, all their soldiers have been told they can’t have any musical ringtones on their phones…just readings by a Muslim cleric. Movies, dancing at weddings and playing or watching soccer are also banned.
*They imposed the no-music policy when people kept getting Al Shabaab confused with Al B. Sure and Shalamar.
*You’d think watching soccer was banned in the US considering how little we do it.
*You’d think they’d at least let them have the Gap Band’s “You Dropped the Bomb on Me” for inspiration.
A 28-year-old clerk at a Family Christian Book Store in Simi Valley was arrested for peeping at customers in the restroom with a video camera. A customer spotted the cam hidden in boxes in the corner. The moron had the camera on when he positioned it, so he’s on tape as the culprit.
*I wonder if that’s when Adam & Eve grabbed the fig leaves, when they found the camera God hid in the rocks.
*To be fair, that wasn’t specifically laid out in the list of “thou shalt nots.”
People are asking if the TV series “V” slams Obamamania. The plot: at a time of political turmoil, a charismatic, telegenic new leader arrives virtually out of nowhere. He offers a message of hope and reconciliation based on compromise and promises to use technology for a better future that includes universal health care. The media swoons in admiration. Only a few “nut cases” question his intentions. Of course, he’s secretly a totalitarian space lizard who’s come here to eat us.
*Hey, if there were aliens, ACORN would have found them and had them voting in the last election already.
*The aliens aren’t a thing like Obama. They make decisions in a timely manner and were able to quit smoking.
2 women on a NY subway got into an argument over one’s refusal to cover her mouth while coughing. It ended with her spitting on the other, a punch, and the second woman dragging the first to the floor by her hair.
*Now that’s effective and cheap health care reform…allowing us to relentlessly beat people who do unhealthy things.
*The good news is, when two women break into a fight on the NY subway, it frees up a couple of seats.
©2009, The Stiles Company, LLC