Apr 23

Hey Reese, it’s not your fault.

Reese WitherspoonWhen you and your hubby got pulled over by Atlanta cops, you had every right to be shocked, offended, confused, and angry. You said something perfectly valid. You looked that cop right in the eye and said, “Do you know my name?” You then went on to fairly warn him, “You’re about to find out who I am,” and “You are going to be on national news.”

Your approach to the situation wasn’t out of line…given the fact we made you a God. We make Gods of all you celebrities. Hell, we even make Gods of people who aren’t talented performers but who are relentlessly imposed on us via our TV screens until we know who they are. When you observe, year after year, that you’ve been elevated above other human beings by those very same human beings, it’s only fair and natural to assume you’re worthy of and entitled to reverential treatment. That’s our bad, not yours.

I’m not exaggerating when I say we make Gods of celebrities. It’s classic polytheism
. Your God is who you spend the most time reading and thinking about. Your God is who gets your tithe. Your God is who influences you. Your God is whose love you seek. Your God is who you’re most devoted to. Your God is who you worship with others. Your God is someone you want to tell everyone about. If you could see God or be in his presence, you’d feel special, euphoric, blessed.

Are celebrities not our Gods? We endlessly seek information about them. We’ll pay almost any price to see their concerts or movies. We get what they endorse. We seek their distant validation by believing the same things they do. We have a visceral reaction if someone speaks negatively of them. We talk to others about them and encourage friends to also find out how great they are. And wow, if we ever get to be in their presence, we have a physical reaction; our hearts race, our eyes widen, we feel more alive. We literally shove and scramble for a chance to touch them, certain it will somehow make us significant.

We…are…pathetic.

This modern celebrity polytheism simply couldn’t happen if our own lives weren’t empty and our own self-worth so low. We have far more knowledgeable relationships with the Real Housewives than with the woman next door. That rewrites the definition of “sad.”

Again, I’ll bet Reese is a beautiful person who wouldn’t have said what she said had she not been a little buzzed. But when your inhibitions are down, your true perceptions tend to come out. She didn’t ask to be a God. We pushed that on her. And like many other celebrities, she simply grew to accept it, and expect it.

You have to wonder what the real God thinks.

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Jan 10

Bookmark the main Stiles Files site for the 10 funniest things on the web daily

 

beer pongA man in England called emergency after gluing 5 plastic cups to his head.  That may or may not be an emergency but we hope he at least let friends play “extreme beer pong” on him before he called.
(The Real Story) 

coinstarOR cops are looking for a suspect who stole rare coins from his dad and poured them in a Coinstar machine.  He turned several thousand dollars into $450.  The last time somebody took something that valuable and made it worthless was Terrell Owens’ football career.
(The Real Story)  

Mad HatterA new book says a White House “Alice in Wonderland” ball hosted by Johnny Depp was kept secret for fear of a political backlash.  Depp entertained the first daughters and friends in full Mad Hatter costume.  Obama’s plan for the economy is now to have all citizens eat a biscuit that makes them smaller so we don’t require as many resources.
(The Real Story)  

Tim TebowBroncos backup QB Brady Quinn was ready to play Sunday.  The Broncos were ready to pull Tim Tebow if he struggled.  Tebow however, went into the game fully prepared with a WPWJC, or “What Play Would Jesus Call” strategy.
(The Real Story)  

O'NealA movie based on “24″ starts shooting this spring.  Kiefer Sutherland is also on a new Fox series, “Touch,” where he’s the father of a super-intelligent son.  Something Ryan O’Neal could never realistically play.
(The Real Story)  

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

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©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC

www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

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Jan 06

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teenage girlThe Pope accepted the early resignation of an LA bishop who recently admitted being the father of 2 teenagers.  It was without question the most awkward “take your daughter to work day” ever.
(The Real Story) 

 

choir robeAfter a legal battle between a black SC church and the KKK, a judge ruled the church owns a building containing the “Redneck Shop,” where Klan robes and T-shirts are sold.  Fortunately, Klan robes can easily be repurposed into choir robes.
(The Real Story)  

 

catThe sudden death of a billionaire in China may have been a murder caused by poisoned cat meat.  Long Liyuan died after a dish of slow boiled cat meat stew.  And those cat meat dishes are always so finicky about who they kill.
(The Real Story)  

 

Lisa BonetCops in UT say a woman arrested for shoplifting at J.C. Penney told them she starred on “The Cosby Show.”  She said she was Rudy.  But every cop knows if any Cosby kid is going to get caught shoplifting, it’ll be Lisa Bonet.
(The Real Story)  

 

locker roomUCLA’s “Mistletoe Cam” cut to a couple at courtside.  The man gets down on one knee and proposes.  There’s an awkward pause, and the girl runs away.  Usually when somebody runs away at a basketball game, the cops have shown up with a warrant to search a locker.
(The Real Story)  

 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

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Jan 05

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Police dogThe Supreme Court may decide whether or not a police K-9′s sniff outside a house represents an unconstitutional search.  Any creature allowed to clean themselves in public the way they do have pretty much already gotten around the Constitution.
(The Real Story) 


 

sharkScientists discovered the world’s first hybrid sharks in Australia, a potential sign they’re adapting to climate change.  They start inbreeding with their cousins once they get in them southern waters.
(The Real Story)  


 

John AdamsElton wants Justin Timberlake to play him in his biopic, “Rocket Man.”  He calls it a “jukebox musical” about his life in the manner of a “Moulin Rouge!”  Which was also the original concept for HBO’s “John Adams” series.
(The Real Story)  


 

librarianA Boston area mom says her local library sent cops to their house to collect her daughter’s overdue library books.  There are now numerous calls to put that librarian in charge of America’s immigration policy.
(The Real Story)  


 

retireesA 91-year-old in SC married her 92-year-old fiancé at a retirement home.  The two had been friends for over 40 years.  Her son says it’s given mom a new zest for life.  Mostly because she keeps forgetting who he is, so it’s like having a whirlwind affair every week.
(The Real Story)  


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2012, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

 

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Jan 03

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Lady GagaIran announced a nuclear fuel breakthrough and test-fired a new radar-evading medium-range missile in the Gulf.  But they admit they can not figure out what Lady Ga Ga was supposed to be dressed as New Year’s Eve.
(The Real Story) 

 

KFC bucketNorth Korea called on its people to rally behind new leader Kim Jong-un and protect him as “human shields” while working to solve the “burning issue” of food shortages.  Many citizens pointed out they would make much better human shields if allowed to eat and gain weight.
(The Real Story)  

 

Carrot ManA Swedish woman who lost her wedding ring 16 years ago found it around a carrot in her garden!  Unfortunately, thanks to Swedish tradition, she now has to marry the carrot.
(The Real Story)  

 

Newt Gingrich47-year-old Wynonna Judd got engaged to her boyfriend, Cactus Moser, Christmas Eve.  He’s a drummer with country group Highway 101.  This will be her 3rd marriage, which puts her solidly behind Newt Gingrich in the polls.
(The Real Story)  

 

Village PeopleTo usher in 2012, Kate Middleton’s little sis Pippa threw a giant teepee party, with Kate and Will in attendance.  The teepee cost $4600 and included a dance floor.  It was foreclosed on when the Indian from the Village People could no longer afford it.
(The Real Story)  

 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)
©2011, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

 

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Dec 15

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doctor3 docs put out a book, “Stuck Up! 100 Objects Inserted and Ingested in Places They Shouldn’t Be.”  It includes items like 4 Barbie doll heads, light bulbs, tools, cell phones, and reading glasses.  The book features patients who, not coincidentally, request a colonoscopy 7 times a year.
(The Real Story)


 

old ladyIran rejected Obama’s request they give us our secret spy drone back.  Iranian news agencies ridiculed and had great fun with Obama’s plea.  Iran is the international version of the crazy old lady who won’t give your football back when it goes into her yard.
(The Real Story)


 

Kim KardashianA Verizon “emergency” alert went out Monday, texted to wireless customers in NJ, that said there was a civil emergency and everyone should take shelter immediately.  It was meant to be a test but somebody forgot to label it as such.  Kind of like a Kardashian marriage.
(The Real Story)


 

Drew BreesNew Orleans Saints QB Drew Brees is making a special appearance on “Sesame Street.”  Elmo counts out Brees’ annual salary in a segment that will be spread out over 289 episodes.
(The Real Story)


 

car crashThe National Transportation Safety Board called for a nationwide ban on the use of cell phones and text messaging devices while driving.  It would not apply to hands-free devices.  And no, it’s not the car that’s a hands-free device.
(The Real Story)


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

©2011, The Stiles Company, LLC

www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

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Dec 13

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Mitt RomneyAt the GOP debate in Des Moines, Mitt Romney tried to get Rick Perry to bet him $10,000 he was wrong about something in Romney’s book.  Then when Perry refused, Romney put a cigar in his mouth and lit it with the $10,000 bill, laughing maniacally.
(The Real Story)


 

MercuryIs a cloaked alien ship orbiting Mercury?  A solar flare appears to hit a hidden object cylindrical on either side with a shape in the middle.  If it is a ship, it’s probably full of elderly aliens who wanted to be near Mercury to escape the harsh winters.
(The Real Story)


 

Easy Bake OvenResearch found the culprit of a 2009 E. coli outbreak was prepackaged cookie dough.  77 people from 30 states became ill from the bad batter.  If this is the case, how did countless generations survive the Easy-Bake Oven?
(The Real Story)


 

Hulk HoganHulk Hogan is suing his ex, claiming she lied about him having homosexual encounters in her new book.  Um, when you wear shredded red and yellow tank tops, you pretty much have to expect us to assume there was at least some homoerotic activity going on.
(The Real Story)


 

Vegas signRunners who participated in the Rock ‘n’ Roll Marathon in Vegas say water passed out during the race made them sick.  The drinks came from lined trash cans filled with hydrant water.  And, it being Vegas, runners were obligated to a 2-drink minimum.
(The Real Story)


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

©2011, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com
    @TheStilesFiles

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Dec 08

Bookmark the main Stiles Files site for the 10 funniest things on the web daily

 

Mama MiaThe Obama administration is announcing a wide-ranging effort to use US foreign aid to promote rights for gays and lesbians abroad.  The money will be used to stage a touring production of “Mama Mia.”
(The Real Story)


 

left handResearch shows left-handed people are at higher risk of ADHD, dyslexia and schizophrenia.  The good news is they’re better at divergent thinking and developing new concepts.  Which according to many moms, can make you go blind.
(The Real Story)


 

crocodileA species of crocodile has been taken off the endangered list thanks to a nuclear power plant in southeastern FL.  They love the cooling canals around the plant for breeding.  They also love being 20 feet high and able to shoot lasers out of their eyes.
(The Real Story)


 

Human LeagueConcertgoers who bought tickets through Ticketmaster will soon get a $1.50 credit on up to 17 tickets they bought they can use on future purchases.  It’s enough to get you back row to the Human League reunion tour.
(The Real Story)


 

lunch ladyState schools in Spain have been ordered to cut “excessive consumption” of toilet paper and set a limit of about 82 feet per child per month.  Well, that’s all kind of up to the cooks in the cafeteria isn’t it?
(The Real Story)


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

©2011, The Stiles Company, LLC

www.mikestiles.com    @TheStilesFiles

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Dec 07

Bookmark the main Stiles Files site for the 10 funniest things on the web daily

 

Occupy Wall StreetTracy Postert used to be an Occupy Wall Street protester.  But then she got hired by a big financial brokerage…on Wall Street.  They knew she was from the Occupy movement because when asked what her salary demands were, she couldn’t come up with any.
(The Real Story)


 

Joan RiversDonald Trump says he will not ask about Obama’s birthplace when he moderates a Republican debate in Des Moines later this month.  But he will send all candidates into the streets teamed with Piers Morgan and Joan Rivers to compete in fundraising challenges.
(The Real Story)


 

Telemundo soap operaWhen a WI mom collapsed with severe asthma, her 10-year-old daughter called 911, did chest compressions and started mouth-to-mouth.  She said she learned how by watching “Grey’s Anatomy.”  Well, actually she learned the mouth-to-mouth from watching Spanish soap operas.
(The Real Story)


 

Treasury DepartmentA Detroit mom traded her 4-bedroom home worth $96,000 for a 2006 Chevy minivan with 85,000 miles on it.  She says, “I really feel like I made a good decision.”  I think we’ve found a good new prospect for Secretary of the Treasury!
(The Real Story)


 

Christmas presentsA SC woman admitted to killing a 67-year-old family friend in FL and leaving her body under a pile of Christmas presents in her own home.  Sadly, the family picked her up, shook her and still couldn’t figure out what she was.
(The Real Story)


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

©2011, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com
    @TheStilesFiles

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Dec 06

Bookmark the main Stiles Files site for the 10 funniest things on the web daily

 

Flintstone vitaminsPre-1982 penny hoarding is all the rage because they’re made with 95% copper.  Not that metals have become valuable, but there are entire criminal operations set up solely to extract the iron out of Flintstones vitamins.
(The Real Story)


 

SonicA report given to a high-level advisory group in Saudi Arabia claims allowing women to drive could encourage premarital sex.  Apparently, Sonic is a really hot pickup place in Saudi Arabia.
(The Real Story)


 

dumpsterTexas Christian University sociology professor Jeff Ferrell sifts through dumpsters and gives what he finds to the needy or friends.  He also tends to find a lot of college sociology degrees in dumpsters since that’s about what they’re worth.
(The Real Story)


 

KC & the Sunshine BandThe Epilepsy Foundation warned that people prone to certain types of seizures might want to skip the new Twilight movie.  The birth scene involves a strobe effect that can trigger attacks.  Who uses a strobe light during childbirth?  KC & the Sunshine Band?
(The Real Story)


 

Stevie WonderThere’s a rumor Stevie Wonder may be a contestant on “Dancing with the Stars.”  For that particular season, the dance floor would be expanded to 40 x 42 yards.
(The Real Story)


 

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  http://www.notoriousdadmusic.com

 

(The Blog Monologue delayed 24 hours for radio clients)

©2011, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com
    @TheStilesFiles

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