Sep 02

Stiles Files for September 2, 2010

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Before addressing the nation on Iraq, Obama briefly phoned George W. Bush from Air Force One, a prank call that backfired.  Obama asked “Is your refrigerator running?” and Bush replied “Yeah, and it’s gonna beat its Democratic opponent in November.”

The FDA’s thinking of restricting NyQuil and other cough suppressants to curb “robotripping,” taking over 25 times the recommended dosage to get high.  It’s the “anytime OD on it ‘til you’re so toasted you don’t remember going to school” medicine!

FoursquareFoursquare, the phone app for telling people where you are, is offering a special virtual “badge” for people who post they’re at a health clinic getting tested for STDs.  Wouldn’t an app that tells you where the people who have STDs are be more practical?

A St. Louis organization is offering parents $300 per student to enroll their kids at a certain school in a tough area.  Oh, and if the kid happens to be a good wide receiver or running back, it’s $600.

New “Dancing With the Stars” contestants include the Brady Bunch’s Florence Henderson, David Hasselhoff, “The Situation,” and Bristol Palin.  Florence should be good.  Look at all those years she had to dance around the fact that Mike Brady was gay.

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

©2010, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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Sep 01

Stiles Files for Sept 1, 2010

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(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

Israeli archaeologists believe thousands of ancient shards of flint around a fire pit in a cave near Tel Aviv might be the world’s oldest known disposable knives.  The find also sets back the origin of the picnic spork by tens of thousands of years.

Scientists identified for the first time a genetic risk factor associated with common migraines, a buildup of a chemical called glutamate.  Actually, “Not tonight, I have a genetic predisposition to increased levels of glutamate” sounds like a much more legit excuse.

A study shows more women will be giving birth by C-section for the foreseeable future.  They account for about a third of US births.  If for no other reason, babies have to come out via c-section to avoid all the piercings women have now.

CastroFidel Castro says he was weak, dangerously thin and thought at times he was going to die when forced to give up power 4 years ago.  But that was before he ordered P90X!

SpidermanA French daredevil climber was arrested in Sydney after climbing a 57-story building.  48-year-old Alain Robert began climbing in France at a very young age so he’d have a better angle to spit at tourists.

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

©2010, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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Aug 31

Stiles Files for August 31, 2010

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(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

The Oxford English Dictionary may disappear as a printed book.  The publisher said it’s uncertain if the 126-year-old dictionary’s next edition will be printed on paper at all.  They made the statement after reading the definition for “obsolete” in their own book.

At the 7th annual World Testicle Cooking Championship in Serbia, teams of chefs cook up bull, boar, camel, ostrich and even kangaroo testicles.  Word is the kangaroo testicles have a real kick to them…both when you eat them and when you try to get them.

The comic strip Beetle Bailey turned 60.  Creator Mort Walker says he’ll continue it until he’s no longer able.  And once “don’t ask, don’t tell” is repealed, Sarge can be more honest about what he does to Beetle while he’s taking all those naps.

Justin Bieber had to cancel his performance at the New York State Fair due to illness and doctor’s orders.  What doctor?  Dr. Seuess?

3 men pulled an elderly couple out after their car drove into the water at a FL Marina.  They came to watch boats and parked facing the water.  Clearly, the husband misunderstood when his wife said she wanted to go for seafood afterwards.

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

©2010, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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Aug 27

Stiles Files for August 27, 2010

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(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

Elin NordegrenTiger’s ex, Elin Nordegren, said she’s “been through hell” but never hit him.  Of course if she wasn’t able to hit anything with a golf club, she and Tiger have more in common now than ever!

Andy Griffith

Despite what Andy Griffith says in political ads, over 3 million seniors may have to switch their Medicare prescription plan next year, even if they’re happy.  Next, Andy will be filming another ad encouraging border patrol agents to only keep one bullet in their pocket.

A Libertarian candidate filing to run for office at an OH voting board complained that a display of an elephant and a donkey showed a bias for the 2 main political parties.  He demanded the Libertarian mascot be included as well, which is a snowball surrounded by the flames of hell.

TX State Fair officials unveiled 8 finalists in a fried food contest, including beer-filled pretzel pockets, a deep fried s’mores Pop-Tart and a fried Frito pie.  Only a TX state fair could make Crunch-n-Munch seems like health food.

Students in Australia were asked to plan a terrorist attack “to kill the most innocent civilians in order to get your message across” as part of a class assignment.  The students also can’t wait to see who gets elected Homecoming Jihadist.

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

©2010, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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Aug 25

Stiles Files for August 25, 2010

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(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

salmonellaShirley Sherrod, ousted from the Agriculture Dept during a racial firestorm, rejected an offer to return.  She’s currently doing an independent study on if more brown eggs are affected by salmonella than white eggs.

Rescue workers in Chile started an escape shaft for 33 miners trapped for 19 days, who may not get out ‘til Christmas.  Geez, they’d be better off trapped in that Chinese traffic jam.

Nicole RichieA man was arrested at Paris Hilton’s LA home after she said he tried to break in with 2 big knives.  Had it been Nicole Richie, people break into her house with knives in an attempt to feed her steak.

Dr. PepperResearch suggests drinking one or more artificially sweetened diet sodas a day boosts a woman’s odds of premature delivery.  And, if you drink Dr. Pepper, the hospital charges you for an extra physician’s consultation.

A pair of Swedish schoolgirls ended up in court for bugging their teachers’ lounge to get better grades.  I’d just like to apologize that a story that starts out “a pair of Swedish schoolgirls” turned out to just be about education.

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

©2010, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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Aug 24

Stiles Files for August 24, 2010

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(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

EpcotA woman who accused Disneyland of discrimination for refusing to let her wear a Muslim head scarf at work won’t wear the hat they specially designed for her instead.  She’s now being transferred to the new Hezbollah section of the World Pavilion at Epcot.

YogiA declawed, defanged bear chained to a stake is forced up on its hind legs by hunting dogs.  It’s called “bear baying,” and it’s to make bears taller and easier to shoot.  And if you’ve never participated in “declawed, defanged bear season” in SC, you’re missing an incredibly easy treat.

David SchwimmerJennifer Aniston will pay a visit to Courteney Cox on the season debut of “Cougar Town” next month.  Interestingly, on “Friends,” Ross and Rachel were on a break.  And now, David Schwimmer and acting are on a break.

Killer WhaleOSHA fined SeaWorld $75,000 in the Feb. death of a trainer.  It suggests trainers not have physical contact with killer whales, in or out of the water, unless protected by a physical barrier.  A little cruel to have killer whales jump over trainers and smack into a giant wall of plexiglass, but it might be entertaining.

VuvuzelaThe “vuvuzela” is now in the Oxford Dictionary of English.  Meanwhile, where other people at the stadium want to shove the vuvuzela has made it into the New England Journal of Medicine.

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

©2010, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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Aug 21

Stiles Files for August 21, 2010

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(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

The moon may be shrinking.  As the interior has cooled and shrunk over the last billion years, the surface has shrunk, too.  Duh.  The moon’s made of cheese and everybody knows cheese gets smaller as it sits out and hardens.

A Saudi judge asked several hospitals if they could damage a man’s spinal cord as punishment for attacking another man with a cleaver and paralyzing him.  If they won’t, the man will be made to continuously jump over hurdles on a horse until a tragic accident occurs.

A nationwide recall of eggs linked to an outbreak of salmonella that has sickened hundreds of people in 3 states has been expanded and now covers 380 million eggs.  Chickens, being stupid like they are, thought the recall meant they had to put the eggs back in.

Ricky MartinRicky Martin’s autobiography is cleverly entitled, “Me.”  He says the project led him to extract memories he’d erased from his mind…such as that wild car ride to a local city park with George Michael.

Steven Tyler62-year-old Steven Tyler fell offstage again when Joe Perry bumped him into the crowd during “Love in an Elevator.”  Aerosmith is the only band where they have to leave the safety nets up from the circus that was at the arena earlier.

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

©2010, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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Aug 20

Stiles Files for August 20, 2010

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(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

ObamaObama earned his lowest marks ever on his handling of the economy in a new AP poll.  On the bright side, he’s getting some of the highest marks of any President when it comes to how to handle vacationing.

A NY man whose license expired 33 years ago was charged with DUI after driving a van 11 miles without one of its tires.  Once you’re at that point, you’re more likely to make it home if you hop your car up onto railroad tracks.

Ninja TurtleContinuing the survey of what young Americans are and aren’t familiar with: most think Beethoven’s a dog and Michelangelo’s a computer virus.  Of course, those young adults who are worldly, well aware and very plugged in know the truth…that Michelangelo was one of the Ninja Turtles.

Dr. LauraDr. Laura’s quitting her 30-year career on talk radio after using a racial slur 11 times on the air.  Kinda makes you wonder if she went out with Mel Gibson how much they’d hit it off.

A homeless man lived unnoticed in the basement of a NJ library for nearly 2 weeks.  Cops found several books in the basement.  The books were pretty damning evidence since they included “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Living in a Library Basement.”

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

©2010, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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Aug 19

Stiles Files for August 19, 2010

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(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

PreciousTurns out the CIA has videos of interrogations in a secret overseas prison of admitted 9/11 plotter Ramzi Binalshibh.  Apparently they do not show harsh treatment.  Unless of course you count making him watch “Precious” over and over again until he cried.

JetBlueJetBlue’s bringing back its popular All-You-Can-Jet pass that lets you travel to an unlimited number of cities over a one-month period.  There’s also a separate “Fly-As-Much-As-You-Can-Before-the-Flight-Attendant-Jets” deal.

Courtney LoveA management firm and Courtney Love settled a $1 million lawsuit over the profits of the sale of Nirvana’s publishing catalog.  Next up, a lawsuit by West Virginia miners who are suing Courtney for using the name “Hole” for her band.

RingoA PA woman got Paul McCartney to autograph her back with a marker.  Afterward she got it permanently etched onto her body at a tattoo parlor.  In a related story, Ringo wrote his name on a hamburger with a ketchup bottle.

Hello KittyThe US military is in trouble in Japan thanks to baby monitors.  They interfere with local radio frequencies.  It’s not the baby’s they mind so much, it’s just that they could have sworn they heard them say “Hello Kitty sucks.”

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

©2010, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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Aug 18

Stiles Files for August 18, 2010

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(Delayed 24 hours for radio/TV clients)

Robert GatesDefense Secretary Robert Gates plans to leave his job next year.  This is news?  I found that out 3 weeks ago thanks to Wikileaks.

Fred SchneiderBob Dylan will unveil a new set of his paintings in Copenhagen next month.  It’s 40 acrylic paintings and 8 drawings from his “Brazil Series.”  In a related story, Fred Schneider of the B-52’s makes log cabins out of popsicle sticks!

Hot PocketsRachael Ray has a new iPhone app, “Tasty Bytes,” that has recipes, cooking tips, and a shopping tool.  The recipe database is searchable by meal type, holidays, cooking style and ingredients.  Or, it can just tell you which aisle the Hot Pockets are on.

A MI high school football team is holding practices in the middle of the night to accommodate Muslim players.  The 11pm to 4am practice is so they can eat and drink while observing Ramadan.  Can the quarterback only pass toward Mecca?  That would be a pretty easy offense to figure out.

Adrianne CurryFormer “America’s Next Top Model” champ Adrianne Curry called police in Orlando claiming a drunk man reached up her skirt outside a Star Wars convention.  I know I hate it when I run into the ambassador from the planet Copafeel.

Check out Mike’s alter ego, white, middle-aged suburban rapper Notorious D-A-D in his full length CD “Bumpin’ in the Burbs”!  www.notoriousdadmusic.com

©2010, The Stiles Company, LLC
www.mikestiles.com

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